Dutch
(n.) the amusement felt upon thinking about something funny one often is found smiling or giggling all by himself, but it can't be shared with others for some reason
It was an afternoon, my Math teacher droning on about how when you raise a number to an exponent of zero the answer would automatically equal to one. If only that would be the case.
Having a zero but somehow ending up getting one.
It doesn't make sense entirely but what do you do when a girl as hopeless as I am is forced to sit down during a Math class at an hour she could have spent on the internet or sleeping her ass off. Or as hopeless as a girl who pretends she understands everything that is being taught. The teacher looking at her like they have a connection the intellectuals share. The kind where the teacher's eyes say, "I'm just going to look at you because I think you're the only person sane enough to still know what's going on."
And I nod my head off. Looking like the exponent rules were the answer to my life problems. Oh if she only knows, I'm as uninterested as half of the people here in this class is and I don't really care except I do.
I want to pretend I have my life together by simply nodding and acting I do understand.
How fucked up is that?
I take down notes like a robot. Copying every elegant scribble of numbers and random letters on the whiteboard in my own chicken writing because who even writes beautifully in situations like these.
One moment you gaze on the board then look down on your paper to jot down things as quickly as you could then you come back up and see that an entire universe is indeed on that board and you don't know where to start again.
Maybe it was just like that. I look at you plainly like a person. Breathing, walking and talking. Nothing out of the extraordinary I thought. But then I start to go back to my own cave where school and people won't touch me for a vacation because why not. Robots deserve breaks too. People just don't know it yet.
As I gaze back at you of course that's when it changes because you practically turned from being a shitty black and white 70's movie into a 21st century blockbuster CGI-heavy movie and at that moment how could I turn away my eyes.
And yes, as I sit down in this forsaken Math class, wishing to watch a good movie that stars you in it because you're just a damn room away and you're probably going to ignore me again later and I miss yo-
And that's where it stops. "That was the weirdest thing you have said," I thought. "Idiot, you didn't even say it out loud. You just thought of it."
That's another thing. The avoidance and our habit of ignoring each other. We're like two trees standing amidst a strong windy day. Both of us standing way too still so that neither of us would give in to swaying ourselves to the wind because we're both that stubborn. Whoever bites the dust first loses. And of course I'm always the loser because no matter how much I can go with my day without acknowledging you, I always end up desparately wanting to.
You're an annoying piece of loose thread on my pristine clean blouse. I know you're there but I can't always remove you can't I? Knowing that if I do, there is a big possibility of you unraveling yourself more and there I am trying over and over again to remove you. But of course I can't because you're just an annoying piece of endless thread that doesn't seem to want to leave me alone.
I wish you'd just give me the damn attention that I want so I won't have to crave it every damn time you don't.
I wish I'd get sick of you soon because as sick as I am right now, believe me you won't ever be the cure for it.
You actually make it worse.
But do you know what's worse?
That I can't even admit all of these to myself because I'm a coward that is afraid of getting hurt.
If I think you're a piece of shit, well, I might as well be a piece of shit too.
But then I start to doze off again to that distant world of memories my brain creates. It's a slideshow of all the things that makes me hate all the things I like about you.
It's the way you stupidly avoid the rays of the sun at all costs because you're a self-conscious asshole and you can't be contented with what you have. It's the way you'd- what an idiot.
I'm just a hopeless idiot surrounded by other hopeless idiots and that makes me feel better.
