The Voices

Entry 1: Introduction

Hello diary. My name is Emma Johnson. I figured I should start keeping a diary or journal, which ever people call it, to record my daily events. I don't know much on how to keep a journal, but I'll try my best to get to everyday. If I don't then oh well it will be fine. I think I should start off by telling you a little bit about myself. I grew up in a small town with not many friends. I had some friends but they mostly annoy me by either being loud or doing stupid stuff so I kept mostly to myself. I've struggled with the thought of suicide before. I figured everything would be better if I just ended it. No one would ever be able to cheat on me, lie to me, hate me, not need me, or talk about me anymore. But I can't bring myself to do it. All of the things I've heard about heaven and hell......I just can't bring myself to it. The only thing standing between me and death is my fear of the unknown and what would happen to me if I killed myself. Would I go to hell? Or would I just float around in a meaningless void for eternity? I don't know and that's why I'm not dead. Anyways, when my mom died I thought that would be my breaking point. The push I needed to just do it and get it over with. But It wasn't. I don't know what it is keeping me here but I can't take it anymore. I just can't. The reason she's dead right now is because some psychotic bastard broke into our house and stabbed her to death. It turns out she was just at the right place at the wrong time and she paid the price for it. After it happened I just kept thinking it should've been me, it should've been me. It happened maybe 15 to 20 minutes after I left for school. Dad was already at work even though he had an hour before he was supposed to get there. "Early bird catches the worm" he would always tell me. After he left, it was just mom and I sitting at the kitchen table by ourselves. My mom was eating pancakes and bacon and I was eating a big bowl of Lucky Charms, my favorite cereal. I didn't feel good when I got up that morning. My head hurt, I was sweating buckets, and I felt light headed. Almost as if I awoke from a hangover, except without a lot of nausea, but that couldn't have been it because I haven't drank an alcoholic drink in awhile. The only things I had the other day were a piece of toast, lunch at school which included a bottle of water, a banana, and a bowl of salad, and when I got home I had a donut. So there was no reason for me too be feeling this way. I told my mom and she said to take some medicine and I would feel better once I got to school. Then I told her I didn't want to go to school so she said I didn't have to if I didn't want to, but then I started thinking about all the work I would have to make up so I just decided to go to school. I hated myself for that decision. I kept telling myself that if I would have been there, then maybe, just maybe, I could've saved her. I took my shower, put on some faded blue jeans, a black hoodie, some kinda dirty white converse, brushed my hair and put it in a messy ponytail, brushed my teeth, grabbed my book bag, shoved my half finished homework inside, kissed my mom goodbye, jumped in my car, and headed off to school. I know that was a long list of things but that was all my last morning with my mom consisted of. I regret everything I did that morning. I just wish I could go back and tell my mom how much I love and appreciate her. Anyways, this has been a long entry, so I'm going to go now and rest my hand. Bye.
Emma

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