My Grievances

I have eczema and asthma.

I’ve always been overweight and not athletic.

I’ve been hospitalized for dehydration and pneumonia, once even for both at once.

My mom had a miscarriage over the summer.

My grandmother had ovarian cancer and died from it.

My uncle has colon cancer.

My friend is dying.

I’m depressed (clinically probably).

My brothers have displayed serious psychopathic tendencies.

I’ve been beaten by my mother for as long as I can remember.

My grades are slipping.

I’m trapped.

My parents want me to be perfect.

I’ll probably have an arranged marriage with someone I will never come to love.

I don’t have a connection with God.

My dad cheated on my mom last year.

My cousins hate my family and stay away from it like the plague.

I’m an awkward loser at school.

I’m socially inept.

I don’t know what’s going on with me.

I hate myself.

No one will ever love me.

I don’t have any friends (anymore).

I have no personality.

I cry really easily.

I’m weak.

I’m stupid.

I’m insecure.

I’m stressed.

I might be schizophrenic.

I’m lazy.

I eat too much.

I exercise too little.

I’m unmotivated.

I have a crush on someone who doesn’t even know I exist.

I don’t sleep properly.

I procrastinate at an unhealthy rate.

I hate being touched.

I get sick pretty often.

I cut all my classes this Valentine’s Day.

I’ve never cut classes before this year.

My parents don’t love me; they love who they want me to be.

My parents are in love with expectation and not reality.

I escape reality by living in my imagination sometimes.

I want to die, but God said I can’t do that.

Plus, if I committed suicide, I’d go to hell.

I’m obsessed with music.

A growing part of me really wants to conform, but I’ll always be a freak.

I’m not amusing or funny or entertaining or interesting or anything.

Some people say I’m a good writer, but I’m bad at that too.

I can’t organize my thoughts.

My first ultimate life wish as a kid was to be a hero.

My second ultimate life wish as a kid was to find true love.

My third ultimate life wish was to find myself… and be okay with who she is.

I’m a fifteen year old failure.

I don’t know what I want to grow up to be.

I think I’m still growing.

Or maybe I’ve stopped and won’t ever grow physically, mentally, emotionally, or socially ever again.

I hate being alone but sometimes people disgust me.

I became really good friends with one of my cousins.

We made a deal; he’d marry me to keep being my friend, and we’d live our separate lives just secretly with a marriage certificate.

That way I’d get to live romantically single, free from my parents’ arranged marriage thing, and keep my friend.

Instead, I found out my friend wasn’t my friend and that he’d been lying about me. Had a secr  et plan to keep me as who knows what.

And here I am, crying at my computer with a teddy bear I bought for myself on Valentine’s Day in my lap, typing out my grievances as Christina Perri’s Human blasts in my ears.

But, hey, no one said life is easy, right?

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Okay, stop freaking out. Before all the "emo" comments start raging about, I'll explain. I wrote this when I was younger and I found myself in a really dark place without way out that I could see at the time. Let me clarify that I didn't post it here for your pity or your hate; I posted it because I know that some people are in pretty bad places right now. Some people think they have it pretty bad, but after reading this maybe realized they didn't have it so bad. Others probably have it worse. It's okay. I wanted this to be a reminder that you are never alone in pain. Everyone suffers. But it gets better. I wouldn't write it if I didn't mean it, that would disrespect my calling myself a writer at all. I'm here to write the words so it must be true. You'll find your way out because if you believe in God, God is Just and He wouldn't put you in a problem without a solution. If you don't believe in God, know that science has proven that science always rights the imbalances of itself. And guess what? Humans are part of nature, so nature will fix whatever ails your heart. Sure, sometimes, the darkness swallows us again, but we need to remember that the light is there and wait for the fog to clear because it will clear.