Letting Go

Dear Xavier,

Two years ago, you broke me. You took my heart and ripped it into a million pieces and then you threw it in the air like it was confetti.

Why?

You were my first love. The first person i ever trusted. The first person i ever opened my heart up too. Yet, you decided that i was a bitch and a whore and that i could never be good enough for you.

Why?

I remember the day i first placed my eyes on you. It was on February 2nd. You were the most handsome and charming guy i had ever met.

I had accidentally dropped my bag on the floor, spilling all the contents of it on the floor. I was red with embarrassment. I remember kneeling to the floor quickly picking up all the bits and bobs, hoping to get away as quick as possible.

Then you came, and you kneeled down next to me and helped me pick up all my stuff. Our fingers brushed and caused a spark. A deep powerful spark that is still ignited in me.

Did you feel that spark?

You quietly chuckled at my clumsiness and gave me helping hand up. That was when i really focused on you; Your brown ruffled hair, your enchanting hazel eyes and those soft, plump lips. You were gorgeous. I knew from that moment, that you were the one. Call me crazy, but i had that feeling that i could just not shake.

Did you have that feeling?

You asked me if i was okay and i replied nervously that yes, i was okay. You then extended your hand and told me that your name was Xavier. I thought you had the most unique name. I slowly placed my hand into yours and told you that my name was Birdie. You said it was a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. I swear i had never blushed so furiously before.

You did that to me.

We began chatting for a while, before you ended up having to leave.You walked out of the shop, waving at me. I was upset to say goodbye. However, you then came back and asked me if i wanted to go out with you later that week. I had never answered a question in my life so fast before.

I spent the rest of the week thinking about you - thinking about your mysterious eyes and your ruffled hair, which i wanted to put my hands through. I also thought about where you were taking me. You told me it was a surprise. I was so nervous to see you again. My stomach was filled with butterflies.

Was yours?

Then the day finally came. You picked me up from outside my house and told me i looked amazing. We ended up going to the park. You had set out this amazing picnic full of sandwiches and sweets and fruit.

We sat down and began to eat while chatting to each other about completely random things. I was having such a blast. Then you decided we should play a game. We started to throw grapes into each others mouths hoping to get one in. Once the sun began to set, you took me home. On the porch outside of my house, you said you had fun and then you slowly edged yourself forward and tenderly placed your lips on mine. You placed your hands around my waist, holding me close, while i ran my fingers through your hair. It was softer than i imagined. It was the best kiss i had ever had.

Was it yours?

After that day, my life was paradise. We continued to go out frequently, learning new things about each other. For instance, i found out that your favourite colour was green and you had a older sister called Payton and you found out that my favourite colour was yellow and i was an only child.

On our six month anniversary, i told you that i loved you and that i hoped you felt the same way. You smiled at me so cheerfully and hugged me tightly. But, you never told me you loved me back. I thought that it was because you needed time to think about everything so i never pushed you for a reply.

On our one year anniversary, you still hadn't told me you loved me.

I found out that day why.

I was walking to the shops to buy you a present. On my way there i saw you. What i saw crushed me. You had your arms, that were once wrapped around me, wrapped around another girl. You had your lips, which you kissed me with, kissing someone else.

I felt as though the ground had split and i had dropped down to hell.

I began to sob right there on the street. Thousands of tears running down my face. You detached your lips from the mystery girl and turned to face me. I saw shock flash in your eyes but then it was replaced with something much sinister.

You walked up to me. For every step you took forward, i took one back. I sobbed harder. I told you i loved you and that you just stepped on my heart. I told you that i thought you loved me too. At that, you started laughing in my face, telling me how i was delusional thinking that you loved me, telling me how no one could ever love a stupid bitch like me, telling me i was just a game that he had fun playing.

Why did you do that to me?

I ran home crying. I locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep. I remember my mum and dad trying to talk to me and trying to get me to come out of my room and eat something. But i couldn't - I was broken.

You broke me.

I stayed in my room for a whole week before i decided it was time to come out. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I wanted to die.

Slowly, with the help of my friends and family, i went back to my old self but not once did i forget you. I still loved you. I wanted you back even after you called me a bitch and a whore.

Now, two years later, i think its time, once and for all that i forget you and move on. I have cried too many tears and i am tired of tears.

So, Xavier, this is me finally letting all of my feelings out and getting ready to forget about the endless love i once had for you.

Goodbye,

Birdie x