If I Could Go Back in Time...

There have been so many moments in my life that have been humiliating or devastating or even so horrible it would make you want to crawl into a hole and die. Everyone has had at least one of these moments in their life. 

My marriage of 20 years has been falling apart. I can't imagine a day without screaming and yelling. My two daughters hide in their rooms like prey, ready to be eaten alive by the volume of the yelling. When my husband, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, is yelling at me and calling me mortifying profanities. The love that I had for this man blinded me. Now that there is no longer any love, a strange pair of glasses called reality have clarified my image. 

"I just can't take it anymore Sarah." My husband yelled at me.

"All I do is work, pay bills, work, work, and eat shit from everyone all day." 

"Stop yelling in front of the children Josh" I yell back at him. I can not wait until he leaves for work so I'll be freed from his yelling. This happens everyday before he goes to work. 

"Shut up bitch. I can't take it anymore. All you do is ask me for money and hand me the bill." 

The children are trapped in their rooms like a prison scared to come out. After he leaves, they come out and complete their routines like nothing ever happened. 

"Mom the yelling has got to stop every single morning" Jade says. 

"This is ridiculous!" Elizabeth streaks.

"I know, I know I'm so sorry girls." 

They take their backpacks and go out and wait for the school bus to arrive. I sit there in the living room alone and start crying.i get my purse and take a prozac to ease my pain. I don't have any money to divorce this man. I can't live by myself. I guess I could ask my mom for help? I am trapped. every vacation that we have, every family event that we have to attend, every holiday, they're all ruined by Josh's incessant yelling. The amount of hours that go that I just sit here and think about a way to get away from this mess is insane. How dare someone think that they have the right to steal someone's life like that? I take another pill in order to forget, but I always remember. 

When Josh and I first met we were both young, full of life, happy and so passionate for each other. I used to love him so much that my heart hurt. the first problem that we encountered was that Josh's parents Frank and Caroline both hated me. They thought that I was never good enough for their son. I should have known. I should have had better instincts and listens to the people that cared about me to steer clear of this troubled person. I wish that I would have known.