The Fall and Lack of Rise

And so it begins

3/27
-
I hate being sad.
It's the grossest feeling ever, yeah I don't know if grossest is a word. I'm just going to assume it is because autocorrect didn't try to correct it. I don't necessarily think that's the best way to describe it but being sad is hard to explain, I can try though. Here's goes nothing, when your throat closes because you're about to cry, when you get that heavy feeling in your heart that feels like someone tied a brick to your heart which hurts both physically and emotionally, when you're sobbing at night to the point where your eyes are red and irritated and your throat is sore from the loud sobs. I think that's the best way I can describe my sad, it's not just the emotional pain of constantly hating myself, feeling alone, and contemplating my entire existence it's the physical pain of spending hours crying that even my own body decides to hate me. Is always being sad part of the teenage angst? Did I sign up for this the second I became a teenager? I don't think I'm depressed but I know I'm always sad. I have my moments when I'll be laughing and smiling but they're always short and they're cut off by the sad. Do I do this to myself? Deep down do I actually enjoy being sad? I really need answers but even I don't have the answers to my own questions. I mean I don't have serious reasons to be sad, at least that's what my own mom says. I should be happy ,if anything I should be ecstatic with my life but how? Do people live being truly happy? Is everyone else just as sad as I am? Or am I actually just a really crappy person who can't enjoy what they have in life?