My First Time(Mature Self-Harm Warning)

My First Time

My First Time

It didn't change the simple fact, she'd made a mistake. As if the world didn't hate her enough, AJ rolled the roll of paper towels around her hand until she had an amount she felt sufficed. Pushing the paper towels hard enough to stop the bleeding for just a second, she let the tears fall. They coated her face, and on her face, was the look of shame, of anger, of guilt. She'd heard of the term before, but never knew what it really meant. Why would someone want to cause that kind of damage? Then again, people did drugs, and drank until they blacked out. But of course, any physical damage done to skin from one's own hands, that was much worse.

If she'd only known a moment like that could follow her into her adult life, maybe she'd never grabbed the razor. To this day, she still doesn't remember what caused such a reaction for her first time. At the young age of 13, she should have known the psychological damage something like that would have done. Of course, being in psychology classes now for college are the only reason why she even thinks back, trying to reflect on the actions she thought would make her feel better.

It wasn't until she stood in a freezing cold shower, her friend trying to bring her temperature down from the alcohol she'd consumed, she realized she'd made a mistake.

The alcohol wasn't just making her think slower, but she was becoming emotional, and didn't know how to stop the onset of tears.

"D-Don't look at my b-belly." The scars. Even though in her own ears it sounded no louder than a whisper, she knew she had to have been shouting. The liquor already in the toilet, she could feel the swimming feeling in her head starting to leave.

"You look at me right now AJ. You are beautiful." Her friend grabbed her face making her look at her brown eyes. She saw that look many times before when she'd admitted her problem.

Shaking her head vigorously, she just kept crying. The water was almost like ice, and she shivered. But she couldn't tell if that was because of the alcohol, or the stress of her crying.

"YES! Don't be ashamed..."

With the rest of the night more of blur than not, she gave up trying to remember the rest of the conversation.

How would she have turned out, had she not made the mistake of scarring for the first time? She could only assume, but unless she could go back in time and stop 13-year-old her from plummeting into depression, she would never know.

Most people might be able to change the mistake they made, apologize, and it'd be as if it never happened.

But for AJ, even if she did apologize, how could she forgive herself?

She couldn't.