"Quiet Contemplation"

Panic Attack

Sadness courses through my body,
like seeping hydrogen
between the rocks of a man made river.
Tears come, and go like the waxing and waning
of the moon.
And there you are.
Silent.
Still.
Afraid.

You don't know what to do,
so you call me irrational, and say this is all my fault.
Nothing makes sense,
and you just stay in your corner.
But here I am,
alone.
unhappy,
and afraid.

Every day,
I make an excuse,
why I can't go out.
and you call me lazy,
and I sit and cry
you tell how horrible I am,
how I'm no fun.
but you don't understand.
you never will.

So you pack your bags,
and you tell me you're leaving.
and then you're gone.
I hear the front door slam,
and for once, I am not upset.
I am not afraid.
but tears still fall from my face.
Like raindrops falling heavy from a leaf, after a long hard thunderstorm.

but I brush myself off,
and walk into the bathroom,
I stare at myself in the mirror.
"Why are you like this?" I ask myself.
and my reflection stands there,
I watch my reflection for only a moment
before falling to my knees, tears streaming from my face.
I can't think straight, and my breath feels like it's being pulled,
unwillingly from my lungs.
I curl up into a ball.
I curse, and shake as I sob.
liquid defeat combined with my snot melt together,
and I cannot tell which is which.

He left.
I needed him.
but I was boring.
I wasn't enough.
This was all my fault.
I didn't ask for this.
I didn't plan to be this way.
I'm sorry, is never enough.
I'm sorry was never enough.