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I can remember the day,like the back of my hand. What day, you may ask. Well the day that my eyes turned blind and my world was doomed.
Year one He was standing right across from me, right there and I knew I've seen that face before, you know a face you can't forget.
Year two After many great adventures and many dangerous future risking events , we were the best of friends or were we? I was future driven, I had my life planned out, I was a straight A+ student, and then I met him. I guess you could say it was my fault, you know, how I was digging my own grave. Well that didn't matter to me at the moment, but now I wish it had. We got into so much trouble , but it didn't matter because we were having fun. But all that cost me. Now I wish I cared a little more, now I wish I hadn't even spoke to him on the first day we met. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut for once. He left
Year three I guess you could say, I should have noticed when my grades started slipping from A+to B+. I guess I could have noticed when he started smoking weed and I were just sitting in a corner scared that he was gonna die and he wasn't listening to Me. Well know its year three. My first year without him. I guess you could say its hard. I guess you can call me a baby and suck it up. I guess you can scream at me and tell me, how everyone else has it harder than me. How I have a home and a loving family and there are people who are getting abused and nobody cares about them. This year I realized, how I was so focused on him for the past years, how I never stopped to ask friends how their day was going, or I never spoke to them unless I was rambling on about something we did. And for some reason it breaks my heart to write this. I can't go through one paragraph without crying. But I hate the fact that he knew and he played. He played and when he was tired he left. And I sit here thinking about all the nights I spent crying and staying up hoping he wasn't dead the next day. I stayed up thinking what new excitement was waiting for us tomorrow. But now I stay up late , writing in my journal, not diary, about how I hate my life , not because of him but because he opened my eyes to the horrible things in life , I stay up cutting my legs, and wash the blood off with my tears.
I could never put it in to words why I was so heart broken, but I realize that he was the first person to truly make me feel abandoned. Throughout the next years I have remained silent, realizing how i was already abandoned to start with. I think i missed his presents the most out of everything, now theres no voice, or laughter, or smile or anything to fill up the emptiness that fills the room. I now fear abandonment. Because now i also realize that silence is loud.
But this is not me, this is a part of me, i am not mopping around all throughout my life, i will let you guys actually know a part of the true me. I am smart, a book lover and I like to live life to the fullest. I debate till i get my point across and until i win. I am so much more that i haven't even discovered yet but there is another part of me.
So if there was one moment I would change if I got the chance would be never meeting g him, because there's only so long you can fake a smile.
