it's been a while since I felt like I was alive.
actually, I don't think i've ever felt like I was living.
it's so monotonous, and boring. nothing out of the ordinary happens and even if I wanted to make it happen, I wouldn't be able to.
but sometimes I wonder, what it would be like if it did change. would I change along with it?
or would i remain the same?
— —
winter is the actual best season and that is nonnegotiable.
no amount of evidence will ever be able to prove that any other season is superior to winter.
i mean, how could you not love it? especially when you live in New York???
the thing i love the most about cold, New York weather is that it feels so fresh. i can't really explain it, you have to feel it for yourself.
the bustling streets add to the beauty of it all and i honestly wouldn't trade it for anything else.
i may not feel alive, but I'm grateful to be alive, and that makes all the difference.
I breathe in the fresh, cold air making my nostrils sting at the intake. It's currently 7:23 am and the streets are still busy as ever. they don't lie when they say it's the city that never sleeps.
i live the farthest away from my high school, so I'm the first one to get picked up. i really hate my bus because its the literal embodiment of hell. every time I go on that bus I'm trying to figure out why they keep sCreaming.
the bus ride usually goes like this: blaring music from the back, screaming children, death threats (from yours truly + others) telling them that if they don't shut up they're getting their asses beat, threats from the bus driver to pull over, and then moderate silence.
this is the daily routine. nothing changes. in all of my 1 (and a half) years of being here it's literally been the same. of course it was exciting at first but now I really want to throw myself out of a window every time I'm here.
we arrive at the school late, which actually makes no sense. the hallways weren't completely empty and even though I've been here for only about a year, i happen to know a lot of people which is kind of weird.
even knowing all of these people I still feel really alone.
but I would never admit that ;)
i motion my backpack to my side as I open my locker door, and a single piece of paper falls out. I watch it fall, stare at it for a couple of seconds, and shrug. it's probably some retarded prank letter, i say to myself.
after unloading all my stuff into the locker I pick up the note and head to first period. I told myself I would look at it later but I honestly didn't care about it.
— —
"hey hazel!"
I looked around trying to detect in which direction my name had been called. the lunch room was filled to the brim with an immense variety of people, and all were extremely loud.
seriously why doesn't anybody shut the hEll uP?
i make a full 360 turn until i can figure out where the sound came from.
near the corner of the cafeteria sat 3 people, catherine, lexi, penelope, and i think there are others but..i can't really see.
"hazelhazelhazel okay sit down." penelope giddily gestured me toward the empty seat next to her.
catherine looked up from her food and eyed my plate. "can i have your cookie?"
"no boi this is mine just go buy one."
she groaned as she took a bite of her food. "i go over this allllll the time i get free lunch and I'm broke. unless you can lend me some money then i guess I'll be asking you for cookies for the rest of your high school life."
"hazellllllllllllllll," said penelope as she grabbed my sleeve.
"ugh." I picked up the cookie and threw it at catherine's face. "take it you hoe."
she winked as she took a bite of it. "love you too."
"h AZELlllLllLll," penelope continued to furiously pull at my arm sleeve until my attention was brought back to her.
"whAt do yOu wAnt oh my god." I released my arm from her grip and she smiled. "okokok so before you got here I was having an argument with alexia about how-"
lexi pointed her finger in the air, eyes attached to her book. "it's lexi."
penelope rolled her eyes and slammed her hands on the table. "ok! I was having an argument with lexi here about how she reads too much and needs to converse more. I wanted to see if you agreed."
"uhh.. I really don't want to get in the middle of your argument. they always end up bad."
penelope huffed and a hair flew off her face and right back into place. "fine. i hereby call this argument to be on hold until further notice and further witnesses agree to join the argument. are you ok with this decision ms.alexia?"
lexi looked over the rim of her glasses and sighed. "you're going to be the actual death of me, you know that right?"
penelope looked at lexi with a baffled expression. "excuuuuse me? you're not one to talk."
and the next thing you know they were arguing with each other again.
I turned my head and the sun illuminated onto my face. I squinted as I attempted to look out over the campus and saw several people running around. are they playing tag? jesus christ.
birds flew overhead and it was such a nice day that I longed to be outside. I rested my head atop my hand as thoughts filled my mind and next thing you know, I was caught in a trance by the clouds that perfectly exemplified my life.
just....there.
