Restlessness [Yugbam] (boyxboy)

Restlessness

Yugyeom felt as if his brain had been beaten with baseball bat before being squished back into his skull.  The tall  makane could feel his heart beating so fast that it hurt to breathe.

Yugyeom didn't know why he felt this way, he had everything he could ever want.  He had the bestest friends he could ever ask for, he had an amazing and successful career, hell he even had girls all over the world that would love to be with him.  

Even though he had the world at his fingertips, Yugyeom was tired.  So tired of keeping up a happy facade when inside he could feel himself slowly dying.  He could feel his insides churning; his mind was full of so many thoughts, he thought his head would explode. 

Why did he always have to be happy? Why couldn't he be himself for just a few seconds without being looked at any differently.  Yugyeom wasn't happy, in fact he had been holding his emotions inside for so long that if he didn't let it out, he might not ever be okay again. 

The tall makane hasn't been able to sleep for days. He just stared up at the ceiling, wishing for morning to come. His mood began to falter as his state of mind got weaker with each passing day. Soon, the rest of the members took notice, but they felt like if they were to say something about it, then Yugyeom would break.

Around and around in a circle he goes, the thoughts of self hatred and the physical effects of exhaustion weighing down his shoulders.

Then suddenly, one day, Yugyeom snapped.

It all started as the members decided to have dinner together in the dorm. Yugyeom just stared at his plate, picking at his food and not eating. This caused Jaebum to ask if the makane was okay. Then suddenly, Yugyeom exploded and all of the emotions he had held inside came out all at once.

"NO HYUNG! I'm not okay, I've never been okay. I hate myself, I hate the way I look, I hate this stupid mole under my eye, I hate how tall I am. I've never been good enough to be in Got7! You guys would probably hate me too if you knew about my sexuality! Guess what? I'M FUCKING GAY! How funny is that," Yugyeom chuckled humorlessly. "Oh you know what else? I can't sleep because every single time I close my eyes, I think of throwing myself off the roof. I can't eat because everytime I even think of food, I want to throw up. I haven't eaten or slept in 5 freaking days, Jaebum-hyung. So am I okay? HUH?!"

With that, Yugyeom stormed up to his and Bambam's shared room. Once he had entered, he locked it and sat on the edge of his bed, processing what exactly he had just done. His words circle through his head on repeat. Like a crappy pop song that just won't go away.

'I'M GAY'

The phrase rings through his skull, causing him to flinch and curl into himself. Yugyeom's hands tugged at his hair, and tears started streaming down his face. He knew that his members hated him now. They had to.

"YUGYEOM!" There was a knock on the door.

Yugyeom ignored it and curled into himself, falling onto his side. His silent crying soon turned into full on sobs as his tears soaked the bed.

"Yugyeom open the door..." He heard Jinyoung's soft voice over his sobs, but once again, he ignored him.

Slowly, Yugyeom cried himself to sleep, drifting off to dream land for the first time in days.

-

When Yugyeom finally woke up, he felt like a ten ton truck had run him over.  He had a huge headache that made him grip his head in pain.

As the makane sat up in his bed, he looked to the left, at Bambam's empty bed.  Bambam had probably slept in Jinyoung's room last night. Yugyeom rose out of bed, stumbling slightly, before begrudgingly heading to the door so that he could get some pain medicine.