Suicidal~

Suicidal #1

It's because i've been hurt too much..
I can't handle all the pain..
I've been hurt too much..
I thought of killing myself..

I've been deeply inlove with someone and felt happy for it. I told him that i liked him. I told him everything i felt. He told me he felt the same which made me like him even more. Then the day came that we talk to each other every single time. There was not a single time that we don't talk to each other. We also had personal meetings, to have more time for each other. To spend all of it while it still lasts. He would walk me else where. He would walk me home. He would say he misses me. He loves me. He wants to be with me forever. He says that we were meant to be. All the sweet things that a boy would tell a girl...

To easily make them, specifically me, fall madly inlove with him that I got to the point that we would stay outside even though its already dark which is dangerous specially because i'm still a teen. Then my parent's would get mad. There was this time that i escaped just to meet him. So many times that i disobeyed my parents just to be with my fake boyfriend kind of thing.

I did so many bad things, i never thought that i can do, just because of my love for him. Just because of this fucking feeling that made me this way.

Then my awaited day finally came. Our first monthsary, i would like to celebrate it with him. I brought chocolates and a handwritten letter.

I waited for him in our meeting place. I've waited for how many hours. I don't care what the time was. I've gone here and there hoping that he would arrive. But there was not a trace of him anywhere.

Then finally one close friend of mine came. She asked me if what was i doing there in that particular place. Then i told her that i was waiting for this particular person. She said he saw him somewhere here. Then i told her the story why i was waiting for him. Then she was surprised. Then i asked her what's the matter?

Then she told me. She told me the words embeded on my soul, embeded in my brain and i will never ever forget. She told me that this particular guy was with a girl. They were holding hands. And she even saw them kissing!

The feeling of betrayal. The feeling of rejection. That was the very first time i've been deeply inlove. And that was the very first time that i got deeply heart broken. It made me think of things that possibly gotten wrong. That possibly made him feel that i don't like him or i don't have time for him. It made me go crazy af.

When i was watching tv and was also crying i saw a news about a certain person who commited suicide. I thought of it as a great solution to my shallow problem.

I searched for my cutters, blades, knives and other stuffs that i can use for killing myself. It started of by cutting my skin everywhere. Leaving trails of scars on my arms. I don't know but when I started doing it, I somehow loved the feeling of getting hurt physically. I started doing it everyday, even at school I always bring a blade with me.
People from my school got mad at me for doing such a crazy thing but i just ignored them. I don't care what they say, I just felt very heart broken at that time.

One year later, I'm already at second year highschool. I still continued doing that slight suicidal thing. I never stopped it. I never stopped doing it until this boy barge into my life. We were somehow friends during our first year days, but I don't consider him as a close friend.

First day of classes, random seating arrangement, as usual, I sat beside a friend. Then our adviser came we were very noisy, she decided to change the seating arrangement. She decided to have it alphabetically arranged according to our last name and it would be alternate, boy-girl-girl-boy type of arrangement. Our adviser assigned the seats for the boys first followed by the girls. And i ended up sitting next to that first year friend. We were awkward at that time but because I am somehow talkative I kept on talking to him about stuffs that happened in the past. Then days and months passed we were getting close, we somehow got to know each other a little well. On some random day I decided to cut myself again. I pulled out my blade then put it on my skin and slashed it and continued doing it many times. He told me to stop what I was doing. He told me that it was a wrong thing to do and asked me why was i doing such thing to myself. Then I told him everything and for some guy, he understood everything I've shared. He gave me some friendly advice to stop it.

With those words, I didn't notice that I really stopped planning to commit suicide. I don't know what the hell happened to me, What sorcery did he use on me to really make me stop. Days passed I realized so many things. One of them is that I already like him. I don't know, is destiny playing with us? With me? Maybe. But all I want to know is that if he likes me too. Continuously I liked him, I wished that we would be seatmates for the school year so that I could believe that we were really destined for each other. Well we've been seatmates for 3 quarters but we were apart during the 4th quarter. That's when I realized what I really feel about him. He's just not a friend to me. He was something more than that but I can't pinpont what he really is to me. Then the school year finally ended and the faculty of the school decided to have a 'year end ball' for the students. I was totally excited because I wanted him to be my partner. I wished that he could be my partner everytime. Then I finally had the courage to ask him out on the ball. Then he answered "yes". I was really happy I would get to spend that night with him as my partner and also with my friends. And guess what he was my first dance. My first dance in my entire life. We both don't know how to dance to a romantic music so we just go with the flow and enjoyed the night. It was the most romantic night if my life. When we were dancing I decided that I would tell him what I feel about him. But I didn't get the chance to tell him because the romantic song just ended too soon and I also didn't have the courage to tell him. Then the night was over, everybody went home then I received a text from him saying he enjoyed the night and thanking me for the good time. I felt giddy and I felt my face blush. Well that was one heck of a night.

Then the last day of classes, I call it the farewell day. We met our teachers for the last time, completed all of our requirements, and met our friends. Then I finally decided to really tell him. I texted him to meet me because I was going to tell him something. Then he went to the place I was really nervous as I was walking closer to him. Then he asked me what was it I wanted to tell him. But I can't speak, nervousness took over me. Then he told me, "If you're not going to tell me, I'd rather go home." Finally the words I want to tell finally came out of my mouth, "I like you," then I walked away from him because I was somehow scared to find out his reaction. Then I went to my circle of friends and chitchat with them then he came near me I felt the chills again then he told me "Same." I was fucking surprised he just told me he liked me as well. I don't know what to say. I don't know but the butterflies in my stomach rapidly increased. I don't know is this the start if a new relationship? The start for a new me? A chance for me to love again?

Open ending~

I hope you liked the story even though it's boring. Thank you!~