Fragile Lives

I couldn't sleep that night. Usually it was the sound of the faulty air conditioner switching on and off with a loud burr keeping me awake, but tonight it was something else. My mind was switching on and off, turning one thought over the over, churning and roaring like the ocean I visited last summer. Visions of days before flashed through my mind, taunting cat calls from kids I'd never spoke to before in my life echoed through my mind, bouncing off the walls of my mind onto another. Slowly, one tear after the other leaked from my eye, chasing each other. I gripped my sheets tightly in my balled fists, trying to prevent myself from letting the strangled cry escape my throat. My eyes were squeezed shut tightly as I tried to remember what made me this bad, what pushed me this far.

"I crept down the stairs slowly, trying not make a Sound. I had just been asleep in bed, but I woke up suddenly when I heard a loud crash and voices coming from downstairs. " You need to leave, you can't behave this way here." My moms voice reached my ears from the top step. Curiosity filled my senses, and I ventured down another step, straining to hear more. " You can't make me leave. I won't leave." My whole body shivered at the tone of his voice, my moms ex-boyfriends, aka the man I despise so much. He was wretched, I could barely stand to be in his presence. " No. Your going to leave. It's for me and my children, were better off without you. Now leave." As I took yet another step, I heard what sounded like a slap, and then my mother cry out. " I won't leave! You can't make me!" I rushed down the steps then, not caring what the consequences would be. As I reached the last step, I saw my mom, my protector, get slapped again and again, until I cried out, " No! Don't you dare touch her! Get out!" They both turned their eyes towards my shaking form. " Go upstairs, Tiff." My mom whispered, locking eyes with me. "No!" I cried out, " He needs to leave, mom! He can't treat you like this!" I was shaking, tears falling from my eyes, but I tried to be strong. I wiped my face and looked him straight in the eyes. " Get out." He glared at me, taking a step towards. " This doesn't involve you. Get upstairs." That's when I lost it. Something inside of me snapped, I screamed and shoved him back with all my might. He quickly regained his balance though, and shoved me back onto the steps. He then turned around to my mom, attempting to slap her again, but missing. I ran out then, over to my neighbors to call the police. I was still trembling the next day."

I took a deep breath and pushed myself out of bed, trying to shake the memory out of mind. It was traumatizing, sure, but there was still more to why I was the way I am. So.. sad, all the time. I walked over to my dresser, switching on the light on the way. I picked up my favorite candle that was almost always lit up in my room, warm vanilla sugar. I brought it up to my nose, taking In a long breath of the smell of woodsy, sweetly intoxicating scent that always seemed to calm me down. I set it back down on my dresser after a few more sniffs. The tears wouldn't slow down though, they were still coming in rapid succession, and my breathing was ragged, each inhale brought pain to my chest. I leaned against my wall, trying to regain my breathing. I turned my wrist over, tracing my finger over the pale self-inflicted scars I had made not to long ago. If I had cut just a bit deeper, just an inch or two, I would've been dead. At the time, it didn't seem like the right thing to do, but now it did. " What's the point? Why am I here? I'm miserable!" I asked myself. I couldn't see the point in living anymore. Why go on with life, if all I am is sad all the time? I stumbled over to my secret stash, where I kept my razors. I took one out, turning it over in my hand. This one small, shiny, sharp piece of metal could end my life, my problems forever. "Do it!" Something, or rather someone screamed inside of me. "Yes, do it!" Another one said. They kept on, getting louder and stronger the more I tried to block them out. "What is this?!" I asked myself, becoming hysterical. My vision was blurry, there were so many tears, leaking into my mouth until all I could taste was the salty residue on my tongue. I sat down on my floor, holding my stomach and crying, shaking, almost screaming. It felt like something was breaking deep inside of me, and it hurt, like no pain I've ever felt before. It was like I was being drowned, and all anyone was doing was watching. Like no one could be bothered to save me. Amidst all of my hysteria, I had dropped my razor, and I became frantic trying to find it. I got on all fours, crawling around my room, looking everywhere for my lifeline. Finally, I saw it under my mirror, and as my hand closed around the one, tiny piece of metal, I looked up. Anger flowed through me then, as I stared at this person in the mirror that I didn't even know. She was a stranger. Her hair was in a mess, all piled on top off her head, a mixture of tears and mascara running down her face. Words such as ugly, disgusting, fat, all flowed through my head as I continued to stare at her. I watched as she mimicked my actions. A tear trailed down my cheek, I watched as she raised her hand to wipe it away. She picked up the blade, bringing it to her wrist, and pressing down ever so gently. Red peonies bloomed on my wrist, as they did on hers. She locked eyes with me and shook her head, as I raised a hand to my pale lips, and she cried out, her whole body shaking in time with mine. "Why?" I asked her. She didn't respond. "Please tell me why!" I begged her, not realizing it was myself I was asking. "Please," I whispered one last time. We looked at each other one more time, I stood up, and so did she. A soft knock on the door startled us both, and I frantically wiped my wrist and put my razors away. It was just one cut, not nearly deep enough to kill me. Wiping my face clean and readjusting myself, I turned to open the door. "Iffy?" My baby brother, Torian stood there, staring up at me with his curious big brown eyes. "Hey, tori, what's the matter." My voice was shaky, but I tried my best to hide it. "Can't sleep, Iffy." He reached his small arms up for me to hold him, and I picked him up, holding him close to my chest. He was so innocent, so small. I couldn't I imagine him doing any of the things I've done, he deserves so much more. Another tear escaped my eye and fell onto his cheek. He looked up at me with curiosity burning in his eyes. "What wrong, Iffy? Don't cry." He reached up to touch my cheek, swirling my tears with his small fingers. "It's okay, Tori, I'll be okay. Lets get you to bed, huh?" I smiled at him through my tears, carrying him back to his bed. I laid him down, kissing his cheek. " 'Nite, Torian. Love you." " Love you, Iffy." I walked back into my room, shutting the door behind me and leaning against it as the tears were released once again. All this time, I had thought no one cared, I had built up walls to keep people who did care out, because I didn't want anyone to have to feel the way I do, I didn't want them to see me this way. I faked a smile to please people, to convince them that I was fine. I wasn't, in reality. In reality, people cared, I had problems to face, and I had to tell people about them to get help. I realized all this now, and I decided I would begin facing my problems. It would take time, and lots of patience, but I could do it, I believed that now. Torian had showed me that people care, no matter how small. I would never want him to have to go through any of the things I had went through, and I was going to make sure he didn't. But to do that, I had to be alive, right? So I was going to stay alive for Torian, for my mom, my family, and someday, myself. My tears finally stopped, and I crawled back Into bed later that night, staring up at my ceiling. Thoughts of the future ran through my mind, what I could do, who I could be. I had come close to ending my life that night, but I knew deep down that wasn't what I really wanted. I just wanted to be saved. And I was. I was saved.