Late at night and I'm still up.
Thinking of what just happened this very night.
End up writing this poetry with no rhyme, or whatever this is called.
Listening to a very sad song, which I often listens to when I feel like hurting.
Am I really hurting?
Or is this just part of me when anger, madness and loneliness consumes me?
Am I just overreacting or was I trying to hide the pain inside?
Anger.
I was angry, at least for a little bit.
I don't think "lie" is the right word, but what I do know is he kept the truth from me.
Was he just being "playboy" or he was just trying to keep me and have me?
Was he been using me all this time?
Well, I know it is.
I've been using him, too.
I've been using him because I am lonely.
I've been using him because I am consumed by my selfish desires.
I've been using him because I'm alone.
I'm angry because I woke up, seeing myself, having nothing.
Madness.
I am mad because I feel cheated.
I am mad because I was so obsessed of the feeling of having his arms wrapped upon me as we go to sleep.
I am mad because I missed the moments of cuddling with him.
I am mad because he was the one who truly makes me happy when making love.
I am mad because I realized that I was foolish.
Loneliness.
Loneliness was always be there.
Loneliness is what I'm trying to get rid of.
Loneliness makes me the person I don't want to be.
Loneliness makes me feel unwanted and unloved.
But I guess loneliness will always find me.
Loneliness looks like want to stay.
I remember the very moment that we broke up almost 8 years ago.
That was tragic, but I believe one of the most satisfactory.
We've been doing "things" that I don't want people would know.
When I learned about the word, that is actually rapidly spreading,
I decided to end it without hesitation.
I know it left him hanging.
I know that he was so hurt.
But I didn't cared.
He was my ex's friend and churchmate then.
He was trying to win me back and give ourselves a chance.
I knew then that I was just using him to get rid of the sorrow that I've been feeling since the day me and my ex's love story ended.
I don't have plans of keeping him, nor loving him.
I, here now, thinking that he might been planning for his revenge the whole time.
As I was writing the previous sentence, tears were rolling in my eyes as if it is about to fall.
Maybe this is not him, seeking revenge.
Maybe this is fate.
