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Can you help me?

I never wanted it to end this way.

The notification that started this all is still saved within my screenshot, those mere seconds of happiness were enough to fill my body with ecstasy. Now all i can do is stare at it and hope that everything will work out. Eventually.

It was just a few days back, before the year started, that i saw this guy hit the favorite button over my tweet. It was a fandom-related post, so I was more than excited to check him out. Seeing his account, it is of mediocre content. I mean, i'm no one to judge but it was a simple account. His face was there on the icon, a totally expressive cover photo *note the sarcasm* on the side and an ask.fm link where the website is supposed to be.

To be totally honest, he was cute. He had a faint mustache and some facial hair going on, it was out of my preference but it was still a pretty handsome face. Out of curiosity, i quickly opened his ask.fm account to see what this he has in store for people.

I have to say, judging by his answers, he is a pretty interesting guy. He gives his own opinion about things, and apparently he shares it on twitter. He is also free spirited and it's pretty overwhelming how he expresses his thoughts. Not only that, but I also find him quite funny though his unexpected dark/slightly sexual humor which i just cant get enough of.

As shy as i usually am, anonymous websites such as this allow me to muster as much courage to ask something. This time, i decided to do the usual fangirl routine

Q: you look cute NOTICE ME PLES

I didnt know if that would work and it would sure be degrading if anyone found out but as i said earlier, ask.fm provides anonymous courage to anyone who needs it.

I doubt he would answer. I mean, the website didnt even flash the green light for activity. Some thoughts went into my mind like 'did he found me out?' or 'maybe he's busy with someone else' or 'maybe he's offline doing something important unlike me wasting my time in this piece of shit'.

Then again, my thoughts get ahead of me sometimes. The moment i lost all hope, my phone buzzed up a notif showing his reply

A: *notices you*
*hugs*

...AHHHH. My brain literally exploded at that moment. I dont know why but still, having someone notice you is kinda fun but i guess my reaction was kinda over the bar. Without a second to lose, i set out another question

Q: WAIT DID U JUST NOTICE ME? AHH BEST HOLIDAY GIFT EVER

After hitting the ask button , the blood already rushed out of my brain and i was as calm as still waters. A few ding dongs later he answered

A: haha i give you the authority to hug me when we meet

AHHHHHH ASDJAFHJAHDSFJSHD yes my brain was exploding AGAIN at that time. Getting a reply from someone twice and getting a free hug in the process? I mean, who wouldnt like free hugs?

Again, after calming down, i thought about what to do next. Looking around his ask.fm profile, his whole name was placed as his username. This is a perfect opportunity for *cough* professional stalkers *cough cough* like me to start working magic.

Tbh facebook wasnt that helpful. After typing his whole name, a result came up and turns out he's at the same school that im going to. Still hyped by his latest answer, i opened the account only to find his course, date of birth and a post from way back 2015.

Atleast i got his course, right? That would give us some new things to talk about. Scrolling by his feed didnt give much but i did get to see his full body. And by that i meant i got to see his arms and legs and not just his face. You perv

Going back to the app, i found that others are asking him too. I guess his twitter publicity aint half bad

Q: You'd hug me even if im a guy? Are you sure?
A: Hell yeah. Hugs are the best

I thought this was cute. He didnt reject the guy, and instead accepted him with an open mind. The only problem was... THAT WAS MY HUG.

Mine mine mine. I dont know why i was so possessive at that point. Maybe it was my inner fangirl role playing or maybe it was something else. I didnt know, i never felt like that before. His personality really standed out, having this clean, good boy look but having a cool, free spirited feel. I just dont know anymore.

Gathering all my guts, i let out a statement to which he replied to

Q: This is my hug, okay ;) i dont want anyone stealing it from me
A: hahaha

While reading his reply, i felt sadder the more i read it over and over again. "hahaha"? That's like two letters from being utterly forced but two letters more than having it sound less expressive. By sadness, again i asked a question

Q: Hahaha? Are you getting bored with me already?

It was a rollercoaster of emotions, okay? And i was really playing out to be on one of those steep hills barely getting back up. He did reply with a booster tho

A: Nah. But do i know you in real life? Why not just pm me

Well, atleast i know he doesn't have a clue who i am. Which is good, because i barely know him either. This was an easy question to follow up, i replied

Q: i dont know who you are either. Besides, im a shy person

Looking back at it now, my response could have been better but if it got the thought across then it's sufficient.

A: Really? Why dont we meet then?

GHAD I WAS SHOOK. I barely knew what would become of me next. I think i may have gotten head over heels with this fangirling biz, but damn getting to meet this guy would probably be great. He's cute, kinda hot and now i know he's interesting af. Not a moment too soon, i asked

Q: Do you have twitter? Or facebook?

Yeah, i already knew his twitter account. But hey, it shouldnt get too suspicious right? Asking his twitter would tend him to think that i found his profile not on his twitter page, but somewhere else. Also his facebook account might be useful

A: [...]

To my surprise, he gave out both of his accounts, both twitter and facebook. I couldnt write it here cause i still respect his privacy. He didnt, apparently

Also, turns out his facebook had a different name, far far from his real name and much resembling his twitter username instead. I checked that out and found that we had tons of mutual friends. He was also really talented, know how to sing, play the guitar, he even writes his own songs!

Seeing this, i slowly took a few steps back and thought about what im doing. Ghad, im in the presence of an amazing person, he gave me the permission to hug him and now im stalking him online. What does this make me? Have i officially... failed?

Refreshing my ask.fm wall, i saw something mildly unnerving

Q: i love you but im a guy 💔
A: haha thanks
Q: So i have no chance, do i?
A: well, everything has a chance

Uhm, i think i may have lost a few gears on my noggin but AHHHHH a chance! A shining brimming chance of... something special. The question wasn't mine exactly, but still. For some reason, i had my hopes up. This isnt like me at all, from grade 4 i defined myself as a straight individual. By highschool i still had a straight mind onset, but now i just feel... different.

After all these anon questions, i decided to try something else.

Q: Hey, can you give me a name? That way, this can be a wee more personal than before

I've got to admit. He's barely creative at creating names. He gave me a nickname of Xenon, prolly just a few letters away from anon. It was far from what i expected, but coming from him makes it feel like everything.

More questions dropped out after this, like pants or shorts, adele or rhianna, pineapple on pizza or no, our college courses, a few personal details like birthday (yeah i already knew but hey), and school year standing. He even started growing interest toward yours truly, as he started asking about me. Everytime he answered, i felt like i was falling for him over and over again.

A day after, i made a separate twitter account naming it after Xenon, followed him immediately and asked him this

Q: Say, if by any chance i made a new twitter account so we can talk out of this, will you follow me back?

I know, it sounds kinda desperate but hey, i was feeling it that time so yeah why not.

A: Yeah sure

At the buzz of my phone, i gained a new follower. AND IT WAS HIM. AHHHHHHHHH If i had ovaries, they would have probably exploded.

By this time, i started to get worried. What am i doing? Do i really want to do this? What if he finds out? What will my friends think of me? I was getting depressed by all these thoughts, and honestly i didnt think this through.

My parents were never really supporters of... uhmm the lgbt community. My mom always believed that being gay runs in the bloodline, and that there are no homos in our ancestry. My dad never really said anything, but i am more than certain that he wouldn't want his son to be one.

I was left staring blankly at the screen. Slowly, i felt my right cheek getting wet. What is this feeling? This must be something else, no something must have happened. Im not like this... Im not im not--

As you are reading now, i have been crying the whole time i was trying to type this events. Sure, call me shallow but to me this was all i had.

Gathering enough courage, i told him

Me: Hi! I would just like to thank you for entertaining my questions and... And i promise never to bother you again. Goodbye

...and that's it. I shutdown my phone, looked up on the mirror and asked myself "what have i done".

I told you i never wanted it to end this way and you know what, it isnt.

It isnt over yet.