Almost Feels Like Always (COMPLETED)

HUDSON (THIRTY THREE)

...love and let it kill you.

-Charles Bukowski

***

AND so, here we are now...

Face to face...

Not knowing what to say to each other...

Or where to start...

"I-I already ordered for the both of us. I hope you don't mind."

Tiningnan ko si Autumn but she immediately looked away. It was like she's avoiding any eye contact with me which is absurd because we're here to talk. Paano kami makakapagusap ng maayos kung hindi siya titingin sa 'kin?

"I don't mind." Maikling sagot ko.

Tumango siya at muling nag-iwas ng tingin. She looked nervous. So am I. Pareho lang naman kaming kinakabahan sa kalalabasan ng paguusap na 'to.

Ate Zi and Kuya Gibbs arranged this dinner so we could settle things between us. Itanggi ko man ay talagang kailangan ko rin naman 'to. Kailangan namin pareho ng closure. Baka kasi closure na lang talaga ang kailangan para makaalis na kami sa kung saan man kami na-stuck.

Wala pa ring nagsasalita sa'min hanggang sa dumating na ang mga pagkaing in-order ni Autumn. We eat in silence. Nakikiramdam lang ako sa kanya. Naghihintay. Ganoon rin siya. I glanced at her. Nakayuko siya sa plato niya. She wasn't eating. She's just playing with her food.

"How are you?" Tanong ko nang hindi na ako makatiis sa awkward silence. I wonder if all exes who wanted closure go through what we were going through now?

Ang hirap kasi. Ang hirap mangapa ng sasabihin. Ang hirap makiramdam. Kailangan mong maging maingat sa mga gagamitin mong salita kasi baka magkasakitan na naman kayo.

"I'd be lying through my teeth if I say I'm okay because I'm not. I'm not okay for the past three years." She said without looking at me.

Natigilan ako. I didn't expect her to be this honest. Kahit noon ay nahihiya itong magsabi ng totoong nararamdaman. I just know things through her eyes. Hindi ko malalamang nagseselos siya kung hindi ko mababasa sa kanyang mga mata.

She tilted her chin to meet my gaze. She smiled. Her usual smile that never reached her eyes. "How about you? You seemed really good."

If you only knew... I was happy because I thought I have no choice but to feel okay. Because I thought I would be able to escape the pain if I force myself not to feel hurt. "I am..." I answered instead.

Tumango-tango siya. "Good for you." Sabi niya na halos pabulong na.

There was the awkward silence again.

"What happened?" Sabay na tanong namin sa isa't isa nang wala pa rin nagsasalita. Pareho pa kaming natigilan. Lalong bumigat ang atmosphere.

Autumn was looking at me the way she looked at me before and I was staring at her like a complete stranger. But isn't she a stranger now? Matagal na panahon ang tatlong taon. Hindi man namin gustuhin ay talagang estranghero na kami sa isa't isa.

Yumuko si Autumn pagkatapos niyang sumimsim ng tubig. I kept staring at her. She was still beautiful. So beautiful. She still had the face that I fell in love with. The same face I love to wake up to in the morning. My heart hurts while I gaze at her.

"What happened to us, Autumn?"

Nakayuko pa rin siya pero nakita kong kinakagat niya ang ibabang labi niya. "I'm sorry, H... I'm sorry if I messed up. I'm sorry if you ever felt like I cheated on you. But I didn't... I never did."