An Ode to a Friend

Chapter - 6

I felt so alone. Everything had suddenly become deathly silent in my world. That's when the voice of my conscious made me face the truth which I had been denying for so long. The truth that she had been nothing but an emotional crutch. A crutch I needed because I thought she was the support that my family had denied me but she did nothing but cripple me further. That was my last straw. After that I never trusted anyone with my secrets, my hopes, my dreams, with myself. I promised myself 'never again' and put up my shields never to be taken down. She had shaken whatever foundation I had but I found something in the ruins she left behind. I found the revelation that I was still alive without her and I held on to that knowledge. I found the voices in my head and they were all the company that I needed. I found that if reality was too much I could delve into my fantasies, fantasies where I was stronger, where the demons could be cut down with the swipe of my sword. From those ruins I built a castle and at long last I could hold my own against the world.

The castle was my safe space but it got lonely after a while. Sure I became nicer to all in general, had people I knew and was doing well enough on my own. But all the pain, the struggle and the suffering, that comes with living as a 'special free gift' which no one wants but gets anyways, I endured alone. It became very exhausting after a while. The façade of 'I am okay' was falling and I couldn't let anyone know. The fear of going back to all the hurt gripped me tight and I kept my mouth shut.

I had spent my childhood in fear and agony thanks to the 'love and support' of my family. I had spent the beginning of my school life being crippled by Sara's 'friendship' and I had spent the rest of it building walls and holding my tongue. And now, in my young adult years, I sit all alone in a wheel chair, when I should be out there having the time of my life. I know life is not particularly fair but I felt this was overdoing it.