LEXA:
The ride back to Polis was long. Many of us still injured from the battle at the ridge of the mountain and from the experiments at the hands of the Mountain Men. I uttered no words during the last leg of the journey, not even to Indra. I felt empty at a time I should have been happy. Finally our people were free from the hell of the mountain, but all I could think of was leaving Clarke behind.
Indra could see my mind was troubled by the decision to forsake Skaikru at Mount Weather. The betrayal resting upon Clarkes face before I walked away haunted me. I felt numb inside, I had betrayed her and betrayed my heart.
As we rode through the gates of Polis, I ordered for our healers to take care of the injured and for hospitality to be extended to the war chiefs and warriors of The Twelve Clans. Making my way to Polis Tower, Indra spoke with me. She was concerned by my silence, "You seem troubled, Heda."
I held my composure, not wishing to show any signs of weakness, "Sacrifice, Indra. That's all this life is. Just sacrifice." My serious tone reflected the burden of my decision that night. Loyal as ever Indra offered her support, "You saved our people. The mountain no longer takes from us, the clans will see you as a hero."
Clarkes face once again flashed in my mind, the hurt I had caused her so prevalent in those blue eyes burning though me. I felt angry at myself, "I have sentenced Skaikru to death, there is no heroism in that, no honour." Indra knew at that point no words could ease my mind.
I walked away from Indra that evening to find solace in the privacy of my home. The dawn would bring discussions with Titus and the Clan Ambassadors about the events at Mount Weather. Our victory played out once again, but in that moment I couldn't speak of it.
Entering my chambers, I dismissed my sentries for the night and welcomed the peace. There was already a bath drawn for me of which I was relieved to find. After removing my armour and blood soaked clothes, I immersed myself in the soothing hot water. The sting of a bullet graze I hadn't noticed in the heat of battle flashed across my arm. It wasn't serious, but the pain took me straight back to Mount Weather. Clarkes voice pleading with me not to make my choice, hurt more that any bullet could ever do. I couldn't shut my mind off to the events. They played out over and over until I couldn't take anymore. I lowered my body under the water, feeling it wash over my face, wanting the sensory deprivation to block the thoughts in my head. I didn't work.
The water washed away the blood and warpaint, leaving behind a broken girl. I sat until the water turned cold. Eventually I stepped out and walked across the room to find my robe, water dripping from my body. The candle light flicked as the cool breeze blew in from the night. I approached the open window and looked out over Polis and and the lands beyond, "I'm sorry." These softly spoken words fell from my lips. I hoped the breeze would carry them. Even if she knew how I felt in my heart I suspect she would never forgive me.
I once told her that our ways were harsh, but these choices I've made are as Heda not as Lexa. If I could have lived my life differently it would be my heart that I heeded and not my head.
Watching as the clouds raced past the moon, I felt the wind blowing stronger as the night rolled on. It seemed like a storm was coming. I prayed that Clarke had stayed away from The Mountain, only death awaited in the depths of that place. Part of me knew she wouldnt give up, that she would strive to save her people even if it would cost her, her life. I hoped in my heart this would not be so, I couldnt even process what it would mean to find out she had perished at the hands of the Mountain Men. Her blood would be on my hands. How could I even begin to live with that?
My eyes welled up at the thought. My Skygirl lost to me. I breathed deeply, holding back my tears, telling myself over and over again, 'love is weakness, love is weakness'. Remember your training, Heda. Shut it down, close it off, dont listen to the beat of your heart.
Pulling back my composure I stepped away from the window. Picking up my sword, I placed it upon its stand, blood still visible from the conflict. A stark reminded of what was. I thought about the lives I had taken with this blade over my years as Commander and wondered if there would ever be a time I no longer needed to spill blood with it.
I walked over to my bed and climbed under the comfort of the furs. Sleep wasn't a welcome friend that night. My restless mind and restless heart wouldn't allow my dreams to be silent. Maybe I didnt deserve the nights sweet slumber, maybe all I deserved were nightmares. These demons haunting me, reminding me of my actions. As the shadow of sleep consumed me, words echoed in my mind, 'forgive me, Clarke. Please forgive me'. My soul laid bare, pleading to the night.
