Yellow Emotions and Fraying Mentality

chapter one: is where im told i start

my life is a complete vortex of complexity and simplicity and happiness and sadness and other oxymorons that make more sense in my head then on paper. but in my head, like every thought, they kind of block up everything and make me feel claustrophobic coz I can't think about anything in particular. its like the parts of my brain I like are finding it increasingly hard to breathe, like they're drowning in the other thoughts.

my dad used to call me a hoarder when I was younger coz I would keep everything i was ever given or found. i gave every item great sentimental value and treasured it, never daring to throw it out. thinking back that might have been the start of all this sentimentalist shit but ill get to that later. i am a hoarder. of things too but of memories. don't get me wrong, i do NOT have a photographic memory, though I very much wish I did. i mean I will fall in love with memories and
replay them again and again and keep them and refresh them and never let them go, because isn't the past always better anyway? I'm sorry its much too early at night to get this deep with you but do u know what I mean? for example I replay the feeling of my best friends head on my shoulder before I go to bed because it reminds me I'm needed. those are the good memories I hoard, but I also keep the bad ones.

times when I have majorly fucked up and that I still claw at myself when I think about. the times when I hurt people around me, especially when I hurt people with my words. ok no I'm done I can't.

ugh no enough. I'm done with this chapter.too short? deal with it coz its my book in sorry I'm just jetlagged and upset and a mess. I'm going to start fresh on another chapter coz why not. Also disclaimer, I understand my problems are small and so many people have it worse then me. i know that. this is just my way of dealing with what's in my head.

~jay