Finding Home

Chapter 4

Before I sat down, the sadness I'd been carrying around with me about loosing my mother disintegrated. All my emotions changed to rage. I would not let this happen. This wasn't going to happen. I was standing in the doorway of us being separated and I was about to change that.
"No!" I shouted. That lady's smile turned to a confused frown and opened her lipstick-coated mouth to reply, but I was too quick for her. "I'm not leaving my Mama! You can't make me! I can't be taken away from her. I know she drinks too much and has a bad temper, but I can't! We can work through those things, I promise. She'll change. Just don't take her away from me!". I paused trying to catch my breath Ina chase that seemed far too unreasonable. I had so much to say, far more that my lungs and vocal chords could possess. I continued, "She's never done anything that bad she's a good person, a good mom. She's never lied to me, well, maybe that's not true, but she definitely hasn't no, I think she's done that sevra, times. I know she's never, well, except there was that one time at Safeway and oh, that other...". I began to mumble off, feeling shocked about how many memories easily came up when the topic of my mother messing up was present. Shocked. I could count more than the number of fingers and toes I had the times my mother had lied to me, forgotten me, simply did un-sensible, irresponsible things or just messed up badly in ways that effected me. The lady opened her mouth again, closed it, glanced at the clipboard and then opened her mouth again, calmly she said, "Anna, please, sit down. I-". I cut her off, I still had things I wanted and needed to say, "No! I love her! She loves me. We, we're  Mama and Anna, always together, never apart. You hear me? NEVER!" I stopped briefly before staring up again," She's my Mama. She's all I have. I'm am all she has...", but then I paused because I realized I wasn't all she had anymore. Now she had Jared. "I mean I'm sure I still mean a lot to her, maybe not as much, but how could you not mean as much and it's not my fault or at least I don't think so. I-I-". Then I looked up at the lady and tears began streaming down my cheeks, but I wasn't sad yet I was still furious. "Were you taken away from your Mom when you were twelve? Huh? Were you? I bet you weren't! You have no idea what this is like. You've never even met my Mama. She's a good person. She's not evil or even bad. She just makes mistakes. We all do, granted probably not as many or as big, but that's not the point! She's still human and I'm still a kid and I deserve a mother!!". I stopped fast because the lady looked hurt. I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings, I just, I, I don't know. All I knew was there were a lot of emotions running through my body right then.
Quickly, she changed her facial expression and said, "Anna, please calm down. I know you love your mother and would do anything for her, but I'm sorry sweetie, but this is done. There is nothing you can do. You need to know that you are not the problem for this, but we need to take charge from here on out.", she kindly explained to me. "You will be in good hands, I promise.". I still don't believe her and didn't then either, but I just nodded, because there was really nothing else I could do. I ungracefully wiped away my tears and runny nose. The lady pulled out a portable tissue box from her pocket and handed it to me. She moved to her desk and motioned for me to as well. I sat her the old, saggy un orchid coloured chair. It was nothing compared to Ms. Lewis's. The lady who's name I now could remember, Katherine Lopez, set down the clipboard, clasped her hands together and looked up at me. "Anna, I don't have all the details of your case but I have gathered quite a bit just from meeting you and scanning your information.". I sat silently. She continued, "I do still need to know some crucial information before we can move forward though. Is that alright if I ask you some questions?". I sighed which translated as a yes to Mrs. Lopez. "Okay then, let's start with the unpleasant ones just to get them over with, okay? Okay. Has your mother ever physically abused you? I know it's an uncomfortable one, but it's extremely critical for moving forward". I looked up at the beige ceiling, sighed again and nodded. Mrs. Lopez made a node on her computer. "Do you have an estimate at possibly how many times a situation like that has occurred?". I though for a moment. "Umm, probably six or seven times in the last couple years. I can't remember past that.". Mrs. Lopez bobbed her head in response.
She went on to ask me a series of 20 or so more questions like that first one about Mama's job (if she had one), relationships, addictions, attention to me and what I thought of her parenting. That last one was difficult because I don't really know how any kid is supposed to answer that question. I replied, "She tries her best considering the circumstances and I know she loves me and would do whatever for me, or almost everything. I-I know she'd never want to lose me. She just needs a bit of help taking care of me, but she has good advice and makes the best banana chocolate chip pancakes on my birthday. She also has the greatest storytelling voice and can make me laugh whenever I'm sad." I finished and was beaming. My Mama was pretty cool... most of the time.
Mrs. Lopez was typing everything I'd been saying and for several moments the click of her keyboard was the only sound in the room. If you could hear people's hearts beating you'd be able to hear mine going a million times a minute. She stopped typing and scrolled her mouse down, "There's one more thing I'd like to ask you.". My eyes stared directly into hers and I finished her sentence for her,"You want to know what I mean by circumstances." I'd mentioned circumstances in almost every answer to every question she'd asked. She nodded, shocked that I'd known. "Circumstances is my dad. He left the hospital right after I was born. Once he saw me he realized he didn't have what it took to be a father. Much less a good one. He still had dreams of becoming a guitarist, traveling the world, learning new languages, finding adventure, that sort of thing. Well, that's what my Mama always would say when I'd asked her, if she'd say anything at all, but mostly she'd say one thing. He was a coward. He walked away. He should have stayed. He saw me and ran. This is why she is this way. I found out from relatives that she wasn't drunk and addicted and abusive when he was here. They loved each other so, so, so much and when he left she broke. She struggled. She never saw the sun even in the brightest days. I don't know exactly what happened, but it was awful, plain awful. She loved him so much and he ran and he left. That's why I can't leave her. I'm all she has left, well was until..." I mumbled off because I still didn't have my head wrapped around the fact that Jared would technically be my father yet. Mrs. Lopez's face when from "now I understand everything" to "I don't at all". I took in a tremendous sigh and said,"This morning I found out my mother's engaged to someone I thought she'd broken up with months ago.". Mrs. Lopez's face appeared a bit less confused, but still very at the same time. I then proceeded to tell her what'd occurred last night and this morning. I had told the story twice now to I luckily had my thoughts clear and knew exactly how to keep what I wanted to say short and sweet.
Once I was finished, Mrs. Lopez didn't even have the energy to look professional. Her face was stunned,  astounded, dumb-founded, taken aback, astonished, all of the above. Finally aware of her behaviour, Mrs. Lopez snapped back to the here and now. "I-I-I, Anna, I-I I'm so sorry. I. We're going to fix this Anna, I promise.". People are making quite a lot of promises to me today. I wonder how many will actually stay promised. Mrs. Lopez continued, "Anna. You are so brave. So, so brave. I'm going to tell you straight up that I've only worked with a couple cases like this, but we WILL get you to a safer environment as fast and efficient as possible.". I just nodded, that seemed it was all I could do. Today was full of nodding. The room was silent for a large amount of time. I just fixed my eyes on photograph and studied it for who knows how long. It was of who I'd assume was Mrs. Lopez's daughter or daughters. One girl was dressed in all black with her hair swiped across her face so you couldn't see her eye. Standing beside her was a girl who was wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry". Both girls were beaming at the camera. It almost made a smile creep up on my face. I looked back at Mrs. Lopez. She looked like she was in a daze. Probably trying to figure out how to get rid of me and my problems. I cleared my throat and that made her raise her eyes to look at me. "Anna. Umm, could you, umm, I just. Okay. Umm. Could you go sit with Ms. Lewis again. I, uh, have, a, uh, thing to, um do. I'll come get you both when I'm finished. ". I stood up and quietly let myself out. When I looked back before closing the door Mrs. Lopez was already back in her daze.

Ms. Lewis dropped the magazine she was holding when I closed the door. I slumped over to her,"She'll call us back in a bit...". I could tell Ms. Lewis wanted to ask more, though she was doing a very good job of hiding it. I picked up a different magazine to avoid the awkwardness of not speaking. This one was clearly for kids. It featured an article about Sesame Street, Fun, Easy, Cheap Halloween Costumes and giraffes. I set it back down. I concentrated on Mrs. Lopez's door, wiling it to open. Wanting to know desperately what would happen to me. I'd heard about this thing called "the force", it was from some movie or something, but I didn't know what. I even tried using it to get the door to open, but it stayed stubbornly still. Bored, I traded the kids magazine for a cooking one. On the front was a picture of a perfectly made summer salad. My stomach grumbled loudly. I hadn't realized how hungry I really was. I peered around the room for some sort of vending machine or food source. There was a large one with a bag of pretzels and sun chips left in it. The noises from my stomach grew intenser. Gaining enough courage, I turned to Ms. Lewis to ask her for a dollar fifty, but before I could get my first word out, a forceful, lusty sound shocked the question right out of me. Ms. Lewis and I raised our heads in the direction of the commotion at the same time. I'm sure we looked like puppets performing in a puppet show. I breathed a sigh of relief while at the same time butterflies were created in my stomach in replace of my hunger. I didn't know those two feelings could occur at the same time.
My Mama was standing, exasperated in the doorway. She was panting for breath with rage covered all across her face. Her eyes were bolted directing into my skull. She began to walk towards me. I felt a new emotion, terror.