9:43pm Wednesday
Dear no one,
I like to pretend I'm alright. I've gotten so good at it that it feels real. But once I think about it. I notice it's all fake. A charade I put up. I'm fake. I'm not mean bitchy fake but emotionally fake. All my feelings are bottled up inside I don't know how to express them. I am not ok and I need to accept that. But I can't. I'm the strong one. The one who deals with shit. Just laugh it off. Inside I'm at war with myself. Most of the time I don't notice it but sometimes it's really strong. It feels like my whole world is ripping at the seams. My mind is clouded with darkness. All I can think about is when I get to be alone. I used to be a pretty good people person. Now I don't even like interacting with them. If I could I would place myself somewhere lonely. I like quiet. Sometimes I find myself wondering what if I just had that one person who swoops in and saves the depressed girl. Simple answer but no why can't. I ? I'm too young. If I was going to be saved then it would be years from now. But why don't people notice my depressed or messed up state. Simple they don't look threw the cracks. I'm broken. Not from love but from neglect or self hate. I have willed myself to not cry ever. I'm a crybaby. Always have been, I hate my sensitivity. I'm a pathetic excuse for a daughter,human,being. I'm a mistake . Why do I want someone to notice my self hate but at the same time I don't want anyone knowing what torture I go through. Fake smiles. Fake happiness. I hate myself. And that's ok .
Thank you for listening even if you don't care.
All my love
Nadia0.o
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