Lost N Found

Funny running in to you here

I grabbed the tag with my name on it and slowly smoothed it out on the front of my shirt. Looking around I tried to take in everyone else that was being forced to come here. These people, they were all like me, we were all having the same problems. We were all in the same boat, the boat that was slowly sinking. And I doubt that a single one of us passengers knew how to swim. Not that any of us cared, no not at all, we had people around us who "cared". Or at least that's what we keep being told. With a sigh, I turned around to get something to drink, hoping that I can just swallow the anxiety. But I was instantly stopped in my tracks by who I saw. You. You. You. No matter how many times I thought it my mind just can't process it. You, how are you here, no, more like why are you here? No, still not what I meant to say, why are YOU here, out of all the people that could've volunteered it had to be YOU. Then, while I was busy mentally jumping off a cliff, you turned to me and smiled that smile that started all of this, the one that used to give me reason and the one that took reason away. Then you started walking over with the confidence that you've always had and I've never gained.
" Funny running into you here" The way you said it, as if we were old frienfs, and all that ever happened between us had never started. That things never ended the way they did. You, with one sentence, one look, one step in front of the other, one smile that used to be my reason and my life,  with one little glimpse, and part of you had proved that you had successfully moved on through life. It hit me then and there. The reason that you so easily moved on through life while I was stuck behind being swallowed up by it was one. Simple. Painful. Reason.
You had never actually stopped. I was nothing but a pause, a glitch, nothing but a flicker in your never ending life. But for me you were what stopped time completely, what made everyone stop blinking because they were afraid that if they did they would miss you and they wanted to witness every single thing you did. But that the bitter sweet thing about it you never did any thing in front of the pained waiting eyes. No. You waited till they had to blink to do what they had been waiting for.
Your entire existence was surrounded by this one bitter sweet game, this story, this same old song that you play on repeat. And before I can stop it, the memories are playing through my mind.
" What are you doing, silly, " your voice rang out to me through the haze in my mind.
"If its not self explanatory then I don't know what is" I told you with a lopsided grin, and a spark in my eye that I only get when in my memories.
"Your such a dork" and then your laugh that was bright even in the darkest times came out.
But now that bright laugh pushes me into its shadows and only proves to darken my day.
"I'm sorry to do this to you but we both knew that this  would never work out in the end. We should both just go our separate ways."
I put on the fake smile that should have been easy for you to see through. But you didn't instead you simply turned around with a self satisfied smile like you had just gotten a first place price in kicking me to the curb and walked away. All I could do was stare as the last sliver of light in my world walked away leaving me encased in darkness.
That smile you gave me in that moment permanently stole mine away.
"YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF, YOU HAVE FAMILY WONDERING WHETHER YOUR EVER GOING TO LEAVE THIS STUPID APARTMENT AGAIN!!" My own brother yelled at me.
"....shut up Derrick..."
"NO YOU LISTEN TO ME"
"Shut up Derrick"
"AND ALL ABOUT A STUPID BREAKUP!!!!"
" I SAID SHUT UP DERRICK!!!"
It was the first time in a month that I had raised my voice to anything above a whisper.
He sighed heavily after a moment of shock and said
"......look there's this meeting I want you to go to. Please, just please, none of us can stand to see you like this."
I gave him something that barely passed as a smile and said
"OK Derrick, OK"
Now I'm here. And your there. I'm here and your there and I'm freaking out. I'm completely frozen in this infinite moment were everything is paused the meeting, time, my thoughts are the only thing speeding by me and hundreds of memories of when thing s were good things were right. Before the first hello and the last goodbye. Before the I love you and before it was a lie. Before I made that accidental rhyme.
How? How? How do you do it? How do you pretend that all the wrong never happened and that all the right was just a dream that left an implant as a memory? How can you stand right on the edge and pretend that you don't see me drowning right here right now? No, I've always been drowning, the only thing that ever changed was that you had taken pity on me and stuck your hand out, allowing me a few moments of sweet sweet relief, giving me my first breath if air in a long long time .....but then you went and let go, no not just let go. Maybe if you had I wouldve still been able to catch something, ANYTHING, but no instead you reached out again just to dunk me back into the frigid waters. Drowning me once more. And of course now that I'm trying to climb out on my own, your here, you showed up, its like you get some sort of sick pleasure from watching me fail. Like your barely holding a laugh in. And I'm glad you did because if you would have, then I would have laughed to, then I would slowly start falling again, you wouldn't catch me, you'd just push me the rest of the way so that I could shatter again the moment I hit rock bottom. And that, my good sir, is what started this whole thing off. Me thinking I had something, someone, that was out of reach this whole time. I dont know what shocked me more, the realization, or the fact that time still felt stopped. The second one honestly scared me a little bit. I couldn't do it. I can't go through with this. So far I was wearing my heart on my sleeve. No more. Nope I'm done. I'd rather fake it than have to look at you this happy. With that time resumed and my emotions stopped. Faking a smile on my lifeless body, I said,
"Yeah, really funny" as funny as the pain is. With that I turned around and walked off. Away from the meeting, from the passengers, from the anxiety, and the most painful yet, away from you. I just hoped Derrick wouldn't be mad. I just hoped that I had enough time left for him to be mad. I just hoped I would make it.