A Collection Of Short Stories

An Old Message To Someone Who Once Was Dear

Disclaimer: may contain material than can be triggering to some people. This is entirely true although some places have been changed to past tense and names (blank)ed out. Proceed at your own risk. 

 

I don't know where to start, but I'm going to try. I really hope we can fix this, I really do.

You hurt me emotionally. I know you never wanted to, or intended to, but you do. ever since our last arguement, when you said you didn't have the problem and I did, I have found out things, broken promises, experienced emotional abuse and many other things. I tried to hint at the things so you could notice, and then see what you could do to fix things... but you didn't--you wouldn't--acknowledge the fact we have a problem the we both need to fix.

When you started to ignore me by not replying to my texts, to not speaking to me at all, I had wondered why. Was it because of my gender? You said you didn't care about that and that I was still me, but you seemed to hold it against me. used it as a trump card when you felt cornered. And it made me wonder why, if you didn't care about it, why is this affecting our relationship so much> Is this the problem you said I had? If you truly don't like me being agender, why couldn't you tell me? Would we even have got together if you knew from the start?

Our lack of communication bothers me. You never seemed to text me first; I always started conversations and I feel as if this made me come across as annoying to you. When I didn't text you for days on end, it was so I could wait for you to text me--which you never did--and this hurt. Then in conversations, you'd never reply right away in the middle of them or you would suddenly drop out of them without saying anything when you did decide to some back. Why?

The excuses you make at school are comical. Why didn't you sit next to me? Why did you always make excuses like, '(blank) was there' when there was more than enough room for you between us? And when you did sit down next to me, I was always the one who made contact, be it leaning, cuddling, whatever. You never seemed to hug back, and even waiting for the buses, that would be the only time you hugged back. Never once did you hug me first, no. It was always me.

And I was always rejected when I went in for a kiss--this is very selfish and vain of m to say but still--I would have loved to be that couple that starts the day with a kiss, always say goodbye with a kiss, and yet whenever I worked up the courage to even try to kiss you, I was ignored, rejected and never kissed back, whether it be on the cheek or not. Did you just not like me? Were you disgusted by me?

We didn't even see each other outside of school. I always thought up times when you could come don or I go to your place but it was always a no from you. You always had plans with your dad, but could still have other people over or you go and hang out with them. But me? Oh no, I'm the person you couldn't stand being around, right? I wasn't allowed to meet your family or anything, and you never tried. For mom's wedding, you and your family had known for months before the date and you even had the invitation. I wanted you there just to feel okay, to feel loved, to even just be me. But I was none of that and just discarded like trash. The feeling of being discarded didn't end there. You never tried to go to gatherings or parties or anything when I was going, but you could still hang out with your other friends, right?

I struggle daily to just pull myself out of bed, to remind myself exactly why I am alive. And I make an effort to look nice, smell nice and get to school on time just to see you--just to see the slightest chance of you, if you decided to talk to me or even showed up to school, and yet you could decide when you wanted to show up to school or stay home so casually? Did you just not want to put in at least a little bit of effort for me?

You did realise you could have opened up to me, even if I 'didn't help', right? I was there for you, no matter what. You could have told me anything and everything, things I could have and would have kept secret for you. But you wouldn't do that, so how could I have opened up to you more than I already did? What was the point if I gave a lot and didn't gain a thing in return? I had hinted at things for you, given you the most subtle but obvious of hints that anyone who could 'read people' (like you said you could) would know what was going on.

Ever since I had found out that you had broken our promise of not hurting ourselves, I knew that the promise meant nothing to you. I valued that promise, upheld it and never once broke it because it meant so much to me because you meant so much to me, and to have seen that you broke it, that physically hurt. Do you even know what it feels like to relapse? Do you even have any idea what that was like for me when I dealt with so many fucking relapses for over a year?! And either way, how could I have broken a promise when it already was? How can you blindly follow and uphold a promise that the other side absolutely destroyed? How was I supposed to stay clean? I had at least five accessible blades with me and not even the fucking kitchen knives are counted. But how is someone who needs to do this so much supposed to stay away from doing it when there is literally nothing stopping them from doing it? Do you finally get my hints now? "I don't think (blank) realised he was between two people who self-harm." Would you look at that, PRESENT TENSE WAS USED. What about "maybe if I keep hacking at [my stomach], maybe then it will go away" MORE PRESENT TENSE. And I know you saw the cuts on my arm on food tech, I know you did--how could you not have seen those ones?

There are many more things too, like you comparing me to a three year old, making me feel like utter shit; calling your baby brother your own child--more little things like that which I don't want to bring up Remember the link I sent you to that YouTube video? It's about abuse, and these lyrics especially that describe how I feel about you right now: "You make me happy, you'll make me kill myself"

So what are we going to do to fix this? Will you actually listen to me for once? Will you even try to fix this? Do you want to fix this? If you were doing all of this to send me a message, the  why don't you tell me right now? Buildup the courage and tell me why you did this! You've already hurt me enough, so why not go all the way? I already cry myself to sleep every night, my grades are already rock bottom, I already hurt myself at least three times a day, I'm already all over the place so what's stopping you?! I cannot get any worse than this so just tell me why!
JUST PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY ALREADY! THERE'S  NO POINT IN DOING THIS TO ME ANYMORE SO JUST STOP IT ALREADY!