Finding Home

Chapter 5

I'm still not positive about what happened after Mama showed up. It was all a blur and frankly still is. There were some security guards involved and a large amount of yelling. I do clearly remember my Mama yelling at the security guards and Mrs. Lopez who'd come out of her office when she'd heard the commotion. The one thing that had firmly stayed in my memory was something Mama shirked with top vocal chord capacity,"She is MINE! You hear me? My daughter. I raised her and you're going to take her away? I don't think so!". Mama proceeded to push everyone trying to protect me from her out of her way, but she failed immensely.
By this time Ms. Lewis had wrapped her arms around me, and by instruction of Mrs. Lopez, she was as quickly, but as quietly as possible under the circumstances was escorting me out a back door that I hadn't noticed before. Mrs. Lopez was following us along with a large amount of security guards, some looking back at the scene and others staring at me like their lives depended on it. The last thing I heard or saw before being taken away into a plain, black car was Jared sauntering up to me in the parking lot. All he ever seemed to do was saunter. He called out to me casually like he was walking over to me on the playground or something, like we were and always had been best buds. He seemed to be unaffected by the current events, "Anna! What's hanging?". I didn't even have time to roll my eyes before he too vanished from view.

The car pulled up to a building that looked used but still rather new. The car ride on the way had been uneventful. Nobody told me anything other than to not worry and that everything would and is fine. I unbuckled my seat belt very attentively and opened the door. I was followed again by a group of security guards and Mrs. Lopez. Ms. Lewis scurried up to the scratched, repainted black doors and held one open for me. I stepped in and was greeted by a surprisingly good aroma. It smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven mixed with a lovely, homey smell, one I couldn't quite identify. All I knew was they both made me feel less sad and angry and more calm. I was told to sit down and I picked a love seat that looked far more used than was intended. There were many things going on after that, but I couldn't concentrate on any of it. People talking, other people dashing off to different rooms, food being taken to another room, the door being swung open with a gust of the outside air being let in and Ms. Lewis's worried face change from worried to anxious while talking on her phone. I was only focused on one thing, one question that was bugging me. I didn't know whether to hate my Mama or fight for her. My mind kept going back and forth, making a mental pros and cons list. She's trying her best, I should too, but she ditched me for her sauntering boyfriend, well now fiancé. A shiver ran down my back, fiancé. Fiancé = soon to be father to me. Another even larger shiver.
I went back to my list, she's been though so much and lost so much, she doesn't deserve to loose me too. Then again, if she didn't have parties and had a job this would've never happened. On the other had she's been trying super hard lately, but that party... that's not trying at all. Now she's going to officially loose me, something I never thought would happen, but she has Jared, she'll be fine! But I'm not gaining anything, I'm loosing ... everything. I'm loosing my Mama, my mother... but I don't know what the next thought in my head would have been because I hit the round, birch wood coffee table in front of me and my vision went black as midnight.

My eyes flickered open to a dim, apricot orange light. I sat up fast, too fast. My head wailed with pain and I collapsed back onto my fluffy as a cloud pillow. I rested my eyes and head for several minutes searching the corners, back alleys and deep depths of my memory for what had happened to me. I was sitting, waiting and, what had happened? Ah! That's it! I came to the realization that now I'm alone... I stopped thinking for a minute, paralyzed from that thought again. I am alone. No more Mama. No more A.J. Even no more Jared. I was, and am now on my own. I began to cry, not big, ugly crying, but soft, silent sobs. The tears trickles down my face like rain down a window pain and collected on my pillow. I have no one. I have no one.
I continued to repeat that sentence until my body couldn't keep itself awake anymore and I drifted back into one of my favourite places to escape, dreamland.
I'm being swayed, gently back and forth. A women's face is gazing down at me, she has kind eyes and I can see what a good mother she is. I giggle and a smile creeps up upon the woman's face. I reach my hand out to her and my tiny fingers wrap around on of her fingers. I smile my toothless grin at her and she is accompanied by a man. The man has the same kind eyes and a big goofy smile that covers his face. He sticks his tongue out and I laugh. The man and women look into each others eyes. I can see they love each other very, very much. After a second, they turn back to me, taking something, I assume me, in. I don't know what to do, so I just smile.
I flash to a beach we're I'm standing in an ocean, waves calmly lapping by my knees. I twirl in the water, watching it below. After about ten twirls, feeling dizzy, I stop and face the gorgeous, golden sun. It beams down on me. I look back to shore and see the same woman carrying a little baby who is fast asleep. The man is bending down to kiss the child on his forehead, I smile. He then turns to watch me. I yell out, "Daddy! Daddy! Come play with me!". He nods, grinning and kicks off his sandals. Once he's reached me, I'm being raised high up into the wonderfully, blue sky. The man throws me up higher and then I come crashing down, hitting the waves feet first. I shriek with contentment and swim back over to him.
Flash again to a birthday party. I'm surrounded by loving friends and family. I'm at the head of a long table. People begin to sing, they're singing to me! "Happy birthday to you- Happy birthday to you!". I'm smiling and laughing so hard. The woman sets down a huge cake I hadn't realized she was carrying. It is covered with violet icing and has a big number ten on it. Someone yells to make a wish and I blow out my candles. Everyone cheers. The woman and man take over and begin cutting and dividing the scrumptious desert. A giant piece is set in front of me along with several scoops of vanilla and chocolate ice cream. I can't wait to dig in! Then a younger boy who must be my that same baby from the beach, hollers out four words that makes everyone laugh, "We can't miss presents!!". The woman assures him we won't and hands him a piece of birthday cake. He sits right down on the floor and dives in.
I'm taken again to another scene. That same woman is sitting at that same table as the party across from me. There are no other people, cake or party hats. She has a series of cards in her hands. She reads one side of the card and I respond with the definition of the word she said. She is helping me study for a test. She reads another one and I frown, I shake my head, "How am I ever going to get this?". The woman comes around and hugs me. It gives me a surge of persistence and we continue on.
Severally minutes later, a younger boy and a toddler girl run into the room. The woman calls for her husband and he escorts them outside, the sun is shining brightly and they start a game of hide and go seek.
I don't have enough time to turn back to the woman when the scene in front of me changes yet again. I'm carrying boxes and bags and placing them into the trunk of a navy blue car. The woman and man also come out of the house holding boxes. The two younger children from the scene before run out of the house behind them, they are now older. The boy is a teenager and the girl is maybe seven or eight. They are both holding onto something as well. Gifts. They reach them out to me. I smile and ask them to help me unwrap the presents. We open the first and it is a picture frame for my new room, one with the woman, man, boy, girl and me. I'm all grown up, smiling bigger than ever. The second is a journal. I love to write and they know that.
Once the car is loaded, I give them each a strong, tight hug, pile into the car and wave. I will miss them. They-"Hey, Anna. How are you doing?". It was Ms. Lewis. I didn't understand. Groggily I stammered, "What? Where's the woman and that sweet boy and girl and man? I miss them. I-". I stopped because reality had kicked in. It was a dream. It was never real. That wasn't my family. I wanted them to be my family, I wanted that family. Ms. Lewis smile sadly, "Aw Anna, everything's alright. It was just a dream.". I sighed and nodded. Just a dream. Why couldn't for once my reality not be this? Why couldn't I wake up to that family? A family that would protect me, help me, play with me, cherish me, hold me ... love me. I wanted that.
Ms. Lewis helped me into an embroidered armchair to the side of the room. I looked around the room while she fussed with something in the corner. It was a decent sized room. Almost bigger than my own, but not quite. The walls were covered in a fading, pale peach wallpaper with a hint of a design now completely gone. There was the bed with a white comforter, an ancient wooden desk and chair and a medium sized window. The window had navy curtains put off to the side to let the sunlight in. Beside my chair there was a small side table that matched the side table by the bed. I could see a door to my left that must be the bathroom. My things had been set on top of a light wood dresser along with towels and toiletries.
I sighed, this is now my home. For who knows how long. I'm stuck here. I leaned my head back and almost groaned out loud. I was so annoyed. This can't be all there is for me. There's gotta be somewhere I belong. Someone who will take me, protect me, love me. Just like in my dream. I would gladly fall back asleep and dream that dream over and over again, anything to escape my reality nightmare.
Ms. Lewis came back over to where I was seated and pulling the desk chair with her. She sat down and handed me two circular, burgundy pills and a full glass of water. I swallowed without question and downed the rest of the water along with it. Ms. Lewis took the glass back and smiled bittersweetly. "Gosh Anna, I don't really know what to say. It's been quite a day for you, hasn't it? All I can say is I'm so, so sorry sweetie. You are such a brave, brave girl. I couldn't have gone through half this day the way you have when I was your age. You truly are such a special girl and you deserve better. You will get better, I can make that promise to you.". Ms. Lewis paused and I didn't know what to do so I just nodded. "Do you have any questions or things you'd like to talk about? That's really what I'm here for.". I shook my head, but then thoughts started popping into my head like corn popping into popcorn.  Ms. Lewis had started to get up when I startled her by half shouting, "Wait! Uh, I don't really know where to begin...". She slowly sat back down with a concerned face. "I, uh, I ... I don't know what to feel.", I quickly blurted out. Ms. Lewis's face went from concerned to distressed right after the sentence left my lips. "Anna, what do you mean you don't know what to feel?".
"I, umm, I don't know whether to hate my Mama or fight to be with her.".
"Ah, I see. That's definitely a tricky question.".
"Which side would you be on if you were me?".
"I, I don't know. I, well, if it was my mother, I definitely would want to fight to be with her, or some part of me would want to, but of course there'd be the opposite side as well. If my mother hadn't proved to be a good mother, I'm not saying yours is Anna. Please don't get me wrong. You're mother is, I'm sure a wonderful women, but if mine had mistreated me, of course I'd have negative feels towards her. This is all up to you though and please don't feel obligated to side with your feelings. Your feelings are important and can't be dictated. Do you know what that means?".
"Um, sorta, could you explain it though?".
"It means your feelings can't be told what to do. You can control if you feel sad or if your mad, just like you can't control if you currently dislike your mother or if you want to fight to be there for her. Do you understand?".
"Yes, I do, but I still don't like that I feel a mix of the two.".
"That's completely understandable. You might feel both for a while and eventually side closer to one. Or you might continue to feel mixed feelings. Both options are okay. Don't feel you have to push one or the other.".
"Okay". I was still confused, but is was comforting to know that what I was feeling was completely normal.
"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about Anna?".
"Um, yes, actually. Uh, what happened to me while I was sitting on the couch? I think I fainted, but I've never fainted before so I don't know, it just doesn't feel like something I would do.".
"Well, yes, you did faint. The thing is Anna, lots people have never fainted even when they're old and then suddenly they do. It can be the cause of many reasons, yours, I assume was caused by fear and feeling overwhelmed. Am I correct?". I nodded and didn't say anything so Ms. Lewis continued.
"From our last conversation, I gather, now this is just a theory, but I wonder if you were thinking about "which side" you should be on. You were feeling scared and overwhelmed from what had just happened and what is going to happen. Am I close?".
"Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking." I quietly said. Ms. Lewis should become a mind-reader, she would become a millionaire.
"Yes, your faint was caused by too much too fast, but don't you worry, they're going to take good care of you here. It's one of the best foster facilities in our town.".
"Foster facilities? Does that mean I'm a ...", I gulped, "foster child?". I'd read about foster kids in books, but never pictured myself as one.
"Yes, yes you are, but it doesn't mean you'll stay that way. Things will get better, Okay?".
"Yah, okay." I sighed doubtfully. Suddenly Ms. Lewis's phone buzzed and she picked it up and put it to her ear, "Hello, Margret Lewis speaking.". There was silence in the room while the caller on the other end spoke. Ms. Lewis nodded a couple times and finally answered "Yes, yes she is.". Silence. "Okay. I understand.". More silence. "Of course, I will tell her that. Thank you.". Then again more dead, noiseless, air. "She'll be right down, Thank you. Okay. Have a nice night too.". Muteness for a second longer, "Okay, goodbye.". Ms. Lewis slid her phone back into her pocket and looked back at me. 
"Anna, I have to go. I'm sorry, I'd love to keep talking, but you need to go to supper and I have an important engagement. I promise I'll come back later tomorrow and we can continue to talk.". Ms. Lewis smiled sweetly and because I adored her so much, though it hurt me to do it I said okay. I wanted someone I knew to stay with me, I couldn't be alone. Not in this lonely, unfamiliar place.  
Ms. Lewis got up and when she reached the door, turned and opened her arms wide. I got up and flung myself into her. She hugged be back tightly. It felt so good to be held. Just like in my dream, only this was real and it felt even better. It had been such a hard day and to be hugged felt, truthfully, amazing. Then Ms. Lewis left and I was officially alone. An official foster kid.