THE ADVENTURES OF THE MOST AGGRAVATING MAGE IN SKYRIM (A Skyrim Fanfiction)

Chapter one: I Fucking Hate Cold Shit

Dear clump of papers I stole off a big talking cat that I hope didn't see me,

I hate the cold. I hate Skyrim. What's a good word for hating something a lot? Detest it? Yeah, I DETEST Skyrim. Sure, Breton was cold. Mountainous as hell. But Skyrim is even colder. And Snowier.

Well, I guess I'm being a bit unfair. All I've seen so far is Winterhold and Dawnstar. And it's very snowy. Pretty much all I remember is snow. And some shit about stormcloaks, long live the Nords, blah blah blah. I don't like the Thalmor either, but hey, elves are pretty hot.

OF course, none of this would matter if the College was all it was cracked up to be. Yeah, that's right. The College of Winterhold. The most esteemed college for aspiring mages, which happens to be located in the middle of nowheres-hjaalfalkniringarshardingerhinger. Something Nordic like that. I even heard there's zombies 'n shit in some of the ancient Nordic ruins around here. Of course, when I asked the barkeeper down at the inn in Winterhold, he just gave me a dirty look and said they're called "Draugr," not zombies. I guess I can get pissed off the next time someone calls me a wizard. I'm a "mage."

Okay, well, not a full mage. I fancy myself a spellsword. You know, alternating between magick and weaponry. I dualwield swords in battle, though there isn't much trouble to be found in Breton. Skyrim has been rather dangerous, in all honesty. I was almost mugged TWICE on the road from Dawnstar to Winterhold. I'm just lucky I specialize in conjuration. It was kind of funny watching my pretty little spectral wolf, (oh I'm sorry bartender, I mean FAMILIAR), bite that bandit in the ass.

Do I really need to introduce myself to a diary? I suppose so. My name's Sirena, and I'm about eighteen years old. I'm a Breton spellsword. You've probably figured that much out. Right now, I'm waiting for Mirabelle Irvin to stop flapping her gums with some creepy Thalmor woman. Maybe I should walk over and introduce myself.

"Hey there," I say in the most amicable fashion. I try my best to smile, but I probably look like I'm passing gas. Funnily enough, I am. I get gassy when I'm nervous. I should stop writing down everything I think.

"Excuse me, novice, I don't think you have the right to interrupt me," the nasally-voiced Thalmor lady barks.

Shit, shit, shit. My father told me to always be as polite and friendly as possible so that I can make connections within the College.

"This conversation was over anyway, Ancano. I'll deal with her," Mirabelle interjects.

I look between them confusedly. Ancano is not a very girly name. Ancano senses my confusion.

"What?!" She demands. "Why are you staring?!"

I give her the onceover. I feel rather stupid.

"You're a man!" I exclaimed out loud.

Ancano and Mirabelle stared at me for a few moments in confusion. Finally, he spoke up.

"I didn't know I required proof. I hate newcomers."

He angrily stalks away to the Hall of Attainment. I am entirely unphased.

"I'm glad I didn't tell him his dress was unflattering for his figure," I said happily to Mirabelle, who just looked back at me with pure disapproval.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head and sighed. "Nothing. Listen, you're new around here, aren't you? We haven't met. I'm Mirabelle Irwin."
I nod. "I'm aware. I've been waiting for you to stalk talking for a while."

She blinked at me. "Yes, well...I'm not sure how to respond to that. I believe you're the last new recruit to show up for the day. Sirena, is it? The Breton?"

"Yep, that's me!"

Mirabelle finally smiles. "Brilliant. Now, will you need a tour of the College?"

I shake my head. "Nope. Some very nice lady named Faralda took me to the Hall of Attainment, and I called dibs on a bed. I also drank some guy's alto wine. It was just sitting there. I think the note said Erwin? Ervin? Something like that. I'm sure he won't mind."

"I don't particularly like him, so I'm going to forget you ever told me that. The other recruits are already here in the Hall of Elements with one of our most esteemed professors, Tolfdir. If you ever need to know anything about alteration, he's the professor to go to."

"Thanks for the info, I'll head on in."

I opened the giant metal door leading to the Hall of Elements and walked on in. An old dude who kind of reminded me of my grandpa Sherman was lecturing a boy my age, an elven girl, and a big fluffy thing. I already got an excited feeling in my stomach. I bounced over to the group.

"Tolfdir, we've had enough lectures on safety!" The elven girl argued. She had a novice mage's hood drawn over her angular features and grey skin. A Dark Elf. I'd never seen one before in Breton.

Uncle Sherman, er, Tolfdir, replied in a raspy voice.
"You can never be safe enough when it comes to wielding magick, my dear!"

The girl squinted at big fluffy person.

"What do you think, J'Zargo?" She asked.

"J'Zargo would like to become a very powerful wizard. Learning magick will help J'Zargo do so. So, yes, let's move past safety."

A Khajit! I could barely see past his mage's hood. I'm glad I noticed before I went over to pet him. I love animals. Except when they're trying to eat me. Though I'm not sure what a Khajit would classify as.

"I agree with Brelyna," a dark-haired Nordic boy chimed in. A cute one, at that. "I worked really hard to get here, and I'm sure everyone else did, too. We're all waiting to learn from the best."

Tolfdir seemed rather flustered. His eyes landed on me.

"Ah, the fourth recruit!" He beamed, probably hoping I'd save him from his own students. "How grand of you to join us! Would you care to introduce yourself?"

I kicked in my suave instincts. "Why, yes, my good man. I'm Sirena Arcae, from Breton. The brightest mage of the mountain, which is actually saying quite a bit, because everyone and their mother in Breton practices some form of magick."

Tolfdir nodded uncomfortably. "Yes, well, that's great. What say you on the whole safety debate, Sirena? Do you recognize the value of safety when it comes to practicing magick, or are you as headstrong as your fellow students?"

Oh, boy. A power play. Side with Tolfdir on safety and everyone hates me. Or, I go with these blokes, and I end up getting on his bad side. And staying neutral will make me look weak, and I know how uppity those nords get when it comes to cowardice. (I'm pretty sure the cute mage guy is a Nord).

"We should learn something practical," I reply. "Makes everyone happy. We get a magick lesson, but it's a spell that'll keep us safe."

"See, she agrees with us!" Brelyna the Dark Elf pipes up.

Tolfdir nods. "That's a fair request. Alright, let's practice a ward spell. Sirena, since you offered, do you know any ward spells?"

I shake my head. "I'm not very good with wards. I do know one lesser ward spell, however."

"Not to worry! I can demonstrate one now. Stand right over there on that roundel please." Tolfdir gesticulates towards a metal circular plate on the floor. I walk over, passing by my fellow recruits on the way.

Brelyna and I nod at each other and smile. She seems nice, we'll likely be friends. I pet J'Zargo on the head. He seems equally satisfied and horrified. However, when I get to the cute Nord boy, my excellent flirting skills that have won me many a date back home (kind of lying) kick in.

"Hey there, sweet buns," I say suavely, and crack a smile. The Nord boy backs away.

"Talos help me."

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE SAME BRASH FASHION