Before I even get into the house, I hear the most intense, terrible, blood curdling screaming I've ever heard. It's one of the twins. I know they're both home now. Casen had soccer practice, so he walked home after, but Cameron walked home after school.
Feeling unsettled and unsure how to approach an emergency with neither of our parents home, I cautiously enter the house.
It's coming from their room.
"CAMERON! CAMERON NO!" Blood curdling shrieking. It has to be Casen, obviously.
I run to their room with my stomach churning.
What I see seems to slow time. Seems like everything's moving in slow motion.
"CAMERON!" Casen shrieks hysterically and frantically hits the back of the body on the floor with a closed fist.
"CAM! NO! CAMERON!" Casen seems almost angry. He's hysterical. But the bloodied body on the floor is unmoving. I look around for a minute, petrified. There's a gun on the floor next to the body. The blood seems to be coming from the head.
It's not a person.
It's a body. I don't see a person.
I don't see my little brother.
No.
That's a body.
"GET UP! CAMERON GET UP!" Casen screams.
I suddenly come half-way back to my senses.
"Hey," I say, desperately trying to keep my voice steady.
"GET UP!"
"Casen. Casen come here."
"CAMERON GET UP!"
"Casen." I grab his arm and pull him away, but he fights me.
He screams and pounds on the back of the body.
I get down behind him and grab him under the arms, then I stand up and drag him back. He angrily fights me and kicks the body on the floor.
"Casen! Hey! Hey hey hey!"
"NO! NO!"
"Hey. Listen to me. Listen."
"No!"
"Yes. Listen to me. We're gonna go into the living room, okay?"
"No!" He whines.
"Yes. Come on." I start pulling him, but he becomes frantic.
"No! No! NO! NO LET GO OF ME! LET GO OF ME! CAMERON!"
He shrieks.
"Casen, come on. Come on."
I have to drag him out of the room, kicking and screaming.
I still have to fight him when we get to the living room. He's absolutely hysterical.
"Casen. No. Come here." This is not the brother I've known forever. This is an angry, frantic ball of terror.
I push him down onto the floor and lay on top of him, facing him, so he can't get up.
"Casen. Casen. Shh. Shhh. Hey. Shhh." I tell him.
He finally stops screaming and fighting, so I call 911.
The whole time I'm on the phone with them, he's grabbing my shirt and trying to bury his face in my neck.
As soon as I get off of the phone, I cuddle him.
I put a hand on the back of his head and hold his cheek against mine.
He isn't even crying. He's just desperately trying to be close to me.
He grabs my shirt and tries to hide his eyes in my shoulder.
"I know. I know," I tell him.
I hold onto him and support his head and rub his neck and nuzzle into him.
When the ambulances and fire trucks start pulling up, I try to get up.
"No!" He says frantically.
"Come here. Come here." I get up, and he frantically follows and clings to my side. He hasn't done this since he was about 5. He's 14 now.
I talk to the first responders, and the whole time, Casen clings to me.
I can't even cry right now. I don't know what to do with myself. This doesn't seem real. It can't be.
I eventually just pick Casen up and hold him because he gets terrified every time I try to walk. He acts like I'm gonna leave him. So I just pick him up and carry him with me.
It all seems to happen in a blur.
My parents show up.
My mom crying hysterically.
My dad yelling at the first responders.
Casen clinging to my side, the body being loaded into an ambulance, a note being handed to my mom that was found under the body, and a note being handed to Casen.
Casen doesn't want it.
He pushes it away. He won't look at it.
So they give it to my father temporarily.
Then there's one actually for my father.
Then there's one for me.
Then one for Cameron's friend Jason.
One for Lily. One for Amber. One for Jesse.
Another for Casen. Another for Casen.
One more for Casen.
He gets four.
My dad holds all of them.
