Quotes That Touched My Heart

08

This is what I say to myself when I feel helpless :)

My pain is so tangible; I can reach out and touch it. It’s everywhere; consuming me. I don’t even realise how long it’s been eating away at my insides until I finally cave in and crumble helplessly, crashing, spiralling down, hopeless and helpless.

The terrible tightening in my chest, the constriction of my lungs, the deep shuddering breaths as I try to hold back the inevitable - but I break.

I always break.

The painful wracking sobs, screaming silently, my damaged self- seeping out through the cracks that I flimsily repair each time I fall apart, countlessly over and over again.

Although; this time those cracks have split wide open; leaving gaping holes in my own body.

I wail for a long time, weeping pitifully as I cry myself a pool of self- sympathy, until I’m empty, benumbed and finally turned completely inside out.

The actual, physical ache that I feel in my chest and in my bones when I’m so sad is fucking awful, and it will never go away, despite how much I push my emotions aside and believe that I’ll be a stronger person in the long run.

I think about the hurt people go through when relationships or friendships break down and fall apart. How we’re expected to just get on with things and be okay when we’re barely capable of a thought or memory that doesn’t involve the other person. When you really care about someone, genuinely and deeply, it doesn’t just vanish, no matter how terrible the ending is.

I really think that the whole reason things can become so terrible and so messed up is because we care so much. We don’t know how to deal with losing something, or a part of ourselves that once made us happy. We don’t want to. I can’t speak for anyone else but I know that I have definitely wished that I could simply erase whole portions of my life or people from my memory at several points throughout the years, even recently.

But I’m so glad that I can’t.

Once I finally reach the point that I’m no longer sad or angry, I love looking back on the happy times, and that ultimately I am stronger and my resilience, and pro longed self-reliance is what has kept me functioning for so long.

I love being able to pinpoint my mistakes and learn from them.
I love being able to remember the parts of that person that were good for me and the parts that were bad for me so I can throw up red flags the next time.

In the end I feel like the happy, pleasant memories far outweigh the brutality of the others.

I don’t even remember the fights or the nastiness from neither friendships; nor my dysfunctional constant family problems and abuse from them; mentally and physically.

All of my relationships with certain individuals broken years ago; however every now and then I’ll get a random memory of something wonderful that happened with those people. I’m still processing many disgusting things that have happened to me, and though I’m still a little messed up, I’m in a much better place and I will always remember how a human being can be, and how wrong you can be about them; how people can so easily mislead you, especially manipulate you when you’re at your most vulnerable.

I’ve learnt from many situations in my lifetime of 19 years, and initially most importantly how good everything felt before it all turned upside down.

I no longer want to “erase” anything, I want to be happy and I want them to be happy, despite how much I wish every single one of them was dead for raping me.
I wish that they were all dead.

For every situation; for every rape that had occurred, more than once from each individual person. I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly be so stupid for allowing something like that to happen? And to be brutally honest, I don’t know why, although I do tell myself it’s my fault for each one of them that touched me and did such unbearable things that I can’t even begin to comprehend, to the point where I resent myself day in and day out.

There are some things I will never talk about unless I am asked. The pain, or perhaps the memory itself, is too fragile and will never be strong enough to be vocalized. You may see my suffering, but you will not hear of it beyond what I’m willing to show.

I’m so fucking sick of saying I’m sorry when I’m the one collapsed on the ground.

I’m lonely.

What kind of loneliness?

Every kind, I feel disconnected; abandoned, as always.

So what now? So what?

At first, I just wanted to run away. Now I have nowhere else to run to, nothing to run from. I don’t belong anywhere, I don’t want to go anywhere, and I just want to be happy and to never have to feel this pain again, to not hate myself in every way, shape or form. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel violated of my own body, of what every single one of them did to me.

You know what the worst part is?
I trusted them all, him the most.

And yes, the statistic, it’s true. Most rapes do happen from people you know, or trust the most. You can never predict when it is a gang rape at a party you believe you’re protected at, or when it’s supposed to be your close friend who is meant to be ensuring you are safe from other sick bastards, however evidently he just was exactly like the rest. Some sneak up on you, creeping in slowly, willingly making you their target for whatever their sick mind desires. Others, you already know, so well that you’d never expect for them to ever do that to you.

I’m becoming more silent these days. I’m speaking less and less in public. But my eyes, god damn, my eyes see everything and frankly, I’m the one who ruined me; I did it all to myself. I put myself in these scenarios, for being stupid and naïve.

Although, what I’ve learnt is that I must stop blaming myself for other people’s shitty doings to you. They fucked up. Not you. Human beings can be terrible; they can ruin your life and commit actions against you that you thought you’d never even be in.

But just breathe. I’m going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.

That’s what matters. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Perhaps not immediately, but sometime soon; they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again.

This will pass.
I promise it will pass.

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I came across this article in a Facebook page. And it touched my heart so deeply. I hope you like it as much.

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