A/N: Just so everyone who reads this knows, not everything I write represents what I've been going through in my life because there a lot of times where I just take someone's life or situation and imagine myself to be in it... so I could write something. :)
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How can I ever blame you?
You had an open wound that stings in every move that you make. Your eyes were sore from crying almost every night. And you were bleeding from that fall - the kind of fall you wish you never have taken. Yes, I saw right through you. You were broken and hurt. I understood why you're too scared to pick up the shattered pieces of your own heart. Another cut would mean another a scar, a reminder of how shattered you were... and you already have more than enough to remind yourself for the rest of your life. So you just let it be on the ground, scattered and vulnerable even more.
Then, our paths crossed.
I saw how ruined you were beneath that facade of yours. I felt a trace of pain on your touch. I heard the bleeding from within no matter how much you tried to distract me away from it. So without even knowing your past, I picked up those broken fragments with my bare hands... even if it means risking myself of getting hurt. I didn't mind, though. I was your friend afterall and I couldn't bear to see you trying to live with the pain... because that's not how it was suppose to be. You should be picking yourself up from where you fell and take a step at a time to move on from that dark spot. But you can't do it by yourself and maybe that's the reason why He gave me to you. I tried to put each piece of your broken heart back together with utmost care, as if it was mine.
And seems like I did it right. No, I have perfectly done it right. You had your smile back again - that gummy smile of yours that lights up the whole town. Your deep set of eyes that never failed to detach me from this world to our own. Your loud voice everytime you laugh after you make the lamest joke ever. Srsly, it's lame. Ha.ha.
Lastly, as you said, you learned to love again.
You started to ask.
You started to wait.
You started to care.
For me.
Then, I started to get used to being asked.
I started to get used to being waited.
I started to get used to being cared for.
I started to get used to YOU. All of you.
Everything you do.
Everything you say.
Every single day.
Yes, I started to believe that you really love me. I admit, I was a newbie to this kind of feeling because you were my first but I wasn't scared to give you my full trust. Besides, I was too innocent to doubt. And you were to good to be playing games with me.
You loved me. You kept on reminding me that.
But then every single time you say that, I felt like there was something missing from that sentence, as if these words ain't right. And just now, I have finally figured it out.
It's not that you loved me but you tried to love me.
You tried to love the only girl available all the time you needed someone to comfort you. You tried to love the girl who loved you without hesitation nor expectation. You tried to love the girl who's dating rules relies solely on what her heart felt and not what the society tells her what to do. You tried to love the girl who was willing to bleed just to see you whole and shining once again.
Now that makes more sense.
You TRIED.
Just tried.
And you failed.
Because no matter what I do, I wasn't that someone you're willing to do more than what you're asked for. I wasn't that someone you can never resist to call every night. I wasn't that someone you're willing to make a priority over other important things in your life. I wasn't that someone you're interested to spend your day with if you have other better things to do. I wasn't that someone you want to introduce to your family and friends.
Because I wasn't her.
Yes, it is still her.
And I guess, it will always be her.
I've always known this after quite sometime. I noticed every tiny detail of everything you do or say and I can already sense there's something wrong. But I didn't say anything against you nor ask you about it because I always thought you were honest with your feelings to me - that everything you have said were what lies in your heart. I always thought that everytime you seem disinterested, which is often by the way, was just your personality. I mean some people do look disinterested but really are interested, right? And I always thought everytime you say I should try getting my hair long (tho u know I like short hair), try wearing floral skirts because it will look good on me (tho u know I don't like the girly kind of outfit), try wearing sleeveless shirts (tho u know Im conservative), try losing some weight just to be a bit skinnier (tho my body was perfectly normal) and even trying to do some make up to hide some blemishes on my face (tho u know I do hate make up)... was the normal thing you say to your partner since you care.
But SHIT! (sorry for the word) Later did I realize you were trying to make me like her. You were trying to change me to be like her. And you know what? Of all the realizations I have right now, that's the most painful af. I mean you made me feel so damn low. Is it really hard to love me just as I am? Or am I just too plain for you to fall for?
Nonetheless, there's nothing I could do and I'm not willing to do anything anymore. I had given enough - enough to make you whole and broke myself instead. I willingly put you back together and honesty is all I'm asking for. If you can't love me, you don't have to. I wasn't asking for it in the first place. All I wanted was to see you happy and free from that painful past... but seems like I just wasted my effort since after I gave your heart as a whole again, you're giving it back to the girl who broke it in the first place. When will you ever learn to never come back to what broke you?
But still, I can't blame you. You loved her and to be brutally honest, people tend to be a fool for love. I know, because I've been there when I loved you. The only difference is that I know when to stop. Not stop on loving you but stop on making myself a fool for someone who never really cared. And I hope someday, you will too.
But as of now, pursue her. If she is the only one who can make you happy, then go for it. I just hope and pray she won't break your heart again. Because if she does, I don't know if I can still fix yours while I'm busy mending my own.
And maybe by that time - when you come back running to me - I can already blame you for breaking your own heart.
☺
