Life and Other Gay Things

Cassidy

  Football is my life. Simultaneously, it is also a burden.

  My name is Cassidy Anne Sinclair. My birthname is Chris. I am the captain of Hamilton High's slightly less shitty football team in comparison to the rest of our shitty middle of nowhere Texas county. Yeah, that's right, Texas. Where football is almost as important as God.

  It's not to say that I don't love football. And it's not to say that girls can't play, or that they shouldn't. But try to see it like this: Imagine being that girl on the football team who worked so hard to be seen as a girl, just a girl, and then constantly being called "man" and "dude" and being expected to get bulky and lift weights and being thrown into the boy's locker room. Then multiply that by 100. That's my life. Every. Single. Day.

 Some of you might be thinking, "Why don't you just come out?" My response to that is I physically cannot. Not yet. This town is my home, and I know that I'd be kicked out. So I suck it up, play my heart out, and make my dad proud.

  My dad is a whole other issue. He pushes me so hard every day, like he's living vicariously through me or something. Mom says he is, he didn't even make JV in his time. Now he spends every waking hour either reading, coaching, or talking about football. I don't have an "off season" like everyone else, I'm constantly either training or playing.

  I was planning to come out before I leave for college, but fortunately or unfortunately, I got a scholarship to NYU, full ride. Between football and choir, (much to my father's dismay) they couldn't turn me down. So here I am, trapped again. In this stupid flesh prison that I was born in.

  One day, I finally had enough.

  It was June of my senior year of college when I finally came out. I was flying down to see my parents before finals, just to visit. My football season went pretty well, we made it all the way to finals, but our linebacker got busted for using steroids. That made dad pretty pissed, but hey at least it wasn't my fault. There's no way in hell I'd want to look more muscular and masculine

 It was my mom, my dad, my little sister Kate, and me sitting at the dinner table when I told them.

 "So, there's been something I've been meaning to tell you guys for a while, I just...please listen okay? It's really important that you guys accept me.." I began. Mom was looking at me with concern, almost fear in her eyes. My dad had no expression, which was normal, but also terrifying because you couldn't read him. Kate just looked bored.

"I..." I started crying. Hard. Like almost sobbing. There were so many emotions and I just couldn't hold it all in.

 "Look, Chris, if you failed school or dropped out or something, you can figure it out..." my mom started, which made me smile. I wish that was all it was.

 "No, mom, look. I.. I'm trans."

  They were shocked. My dad started laughing. "That's really fucking funny, Chris. Tell me that's just a sick joke."

 I expected this much. "No, I'm serious. I've been saving money to get surgery and the proper hormones, and I'm going to legally change my name to Cassidy Anne Sinclair. "

My dad's expression drastically changed to angry. Furious, even. "No, you are fucking not."

 My mom looked horrified at him. "Listen, if this is what she wants, if this is who she is..."

"She? SHE?! No son of mine is going to pretend to be a woman. Not today." He stated.

 My temper matched his. "Well it's a damn good thing I'm not your son, and even better that I'm not asking permission. This is what I'm doing. Sorry, Dad."

 "I don't ever want to hear you call me that again. Do you hear me? Get your shit and get out." He said sternly, but didn't yell. That was scary.

I did as I was told, wiping back tears the whole time. I slammed the door, got in my car and drove without a destination. I drove out of that stupid fucking town, out of that stupid fucking state, until it all was a dull, aching memory.

 I'm 24 now, and it's been a year and a half since I've been on estrogen. I've gotten top surgery, and on my driver's license it says Cassidy Anne Sinclair, female. I haven't talked to my dad since that night, but I maintain a close relationship with my mom and sister, who is out as bisexual to my mother. High school and college were a pretty dark time for me, but now that I'm older, I'm so glad I did everything I did. I've never been happier.

Author's Note: While Cassidy is a made up character, her story was inspired by my own life. I'm a transguy who is on the softball team, dominating as of now. Cassidy's dad and my dad are unfortunately extremely similar, as well.