Bloom

01.

I continue to drift between sleep and my conscious mind for who knows how long. When I wake, I find that my headache has gone away somewhat but the dull ache in my body is still slowly throbbing, a constant reminder of how I will never be happy again.

I roll onto my stomach and push myself up with my arms, reaching for my phone that lays on the corner shelf by my bed. I ignore the message from my mother asking if I want to go home for Thanksgiving.

I check the clock instead. 5:24 pm. Time feels like nothing anymore, how can it be Saturday night already? I rest my head on my pillow and close my eyes again. If any kind of religious figure had any pity on me, they might kill me in my slumber so I can finally be at peace. Maybe if I was dead the voices in my head would stop.

They are calling me bad names and whispering wicked things to me, over and over, a steady repitition of cursing. I cover my ears tightly with my hands and beg for them to stop. They don't comply, instead mocking me for being a sissy.

My eyes open suddenly and my hands race back to my sides when the door flies open, revealing Alyssa wrapped in a black towel. Her face was still slightly flushed from the steamy shower and her light hair drips onto the carpet; however, her features show a puzzled look. I shut my eyes, only opening them enough to watch her stare in my direction.

"Lex? Why aren't you getting ready?" She asks.

I stay quiet, hoping she'll think I'm asleep. I really don't feel like disappointing her right now. I hear her pad over to my bed and sit on the edge of the black duvet. She breathes in and out before opening her mouth.

"Lexi? You alive in there girl?" Alyssa brushes the hair away from my face that had been matted down with sweat since I had woken up from my nightmare.

"No." I say softly.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything." I turn away from her and face the wall. "Leave me alone. Just go to your party.. I don't want to be a burden on you and ruin your good mood. Go have fun. And happy birthday." My voice cracks on the last note and I continue to fight the losing battle with the knot that's tightening in my throat.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me why you are laying here upset instead of getting ready to party so you might as well just get on with it. And you wouldn't want me to be late to my own birthday party, would you?" She always knows how to phrase her sentences so that I seem like the bad guy if I don't agree to whatever she has stated.

I sigh in defeat. "Alyssa.. I think I'm going to get bad again, I can feel it already. Everything is gone, he's gone, and it's all my fault. It always is though, isn't it? I was stupid for falling in love with him. I was stupid for letting myself become enchanted with every word that rolled off his glistening lips. I was stupid for believing that someone so perfect could ever exist and even love me back. I thought it was real when he told me he loved me. I fell for every one of his fake words that came out of his damned mouth. I am so naïve for thinking that he and I would last and I finally pulled my life together and I could finally be happy. The voices are coming back and everything is hurting again and I don't know what to do because it's all over and once again, I'm left in the ashes all alone. And the worst part, is that I'm the one who destroyed myself. I let myself believe Alyssa. I got my hopes up again just like I promised myself I wouldn't."

"Lexi.." she begins. "You're not stupid, you never were. He was stupid and they were stupid and you don't deserve to be hurting over something that was never your fault. You're letting them ruin you like you did before. They're not worth a single one of your tears. And don't listen to the voices in your head, remember what Mrs. Grace told you in therapy. You can get better if you really try. Now come on, let's get you in the shower and I'll make us some tea, then we can get ready, yeah?" She smiles at me, flashing her award winning, white toothed, perfect smile.

I sit up with tears in my eyes and nod. As I make my way to the bathroom, I hear Alyssa singing to herself. She is always nice to me, even when I deserve to be treated like the absolute shit I am. I don't know what I did to be worthy of a best friend like Alyssa, but I'm sure as hell glad I got her.

When I step onto the cold tile floor of the bathroom, I lock the door and turn the water spout as hot as it can go. My shirt comes off first, my bottoms next. It is only before I get right into the shower that I catch a fleeting glimpse of myself in the mirror. I turn around slowly and tilt my head to the side.

My cheeks are sunken in, my ribs prominent. It has to have been a few days since I've eaten, although the last few days have been a blurry mess so I can't be sure. The bones of my hips are apparent, although only a sliver of the shape peeks out. My skin is pale white, ashy, and growing stubble resulting from my lack of caring about the way I appeared to people. I only saw Alyssa and her boyfriend anyway. My lips are cracked, the top layers peeling away to reveal the raw pinkness underneath and the dried blood that sits around the edges, announcing to the world of my lip-biting habit. My hair hangs in a greasy and limp fashion on my shoulders and a few pieces straggle down my back. The makeup that once covered my face has now been washed away by the tears, the dried mascara is barely visible the still looking as if it flowed down my cheeks like rivers and torrents.

But the worst of everything is my eyes. The lively spark that once radiated from my hazel eyes is gone, the flame behind them has long since blown out. My irises have shifted from hazel to a dark brown, giving away the fact that I had been crying. My pupils are huge in size, almost obscuring the color. The edges of my eyes where my eyelashes sit are red and puffy hinting at the hours upon hours I spent sobbing.

But my appearance is in no way in competition with the way I feel inside. My thoughts are tangled, my heart is beating at a rate of about 30 beats per minute, and I feel as if I'm about to empty the contents of my stomach, if there were any. I look like I fought the most hideous and beastly of demons and then crawled out of the depths of Hell shortly after.

I am a bloody mess.

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A/N

I'm updating before school so I might write later if I have time!!! Tell me what you think of this in the comments! Vote please ily