You

Lonely Soul

"You're just sitting there."
"Why's that?"
"I don't know. You're the expert of yourself."
"Okay. And?"
"Okay! Enough with the small talk. I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
"I don't think this is working out. The relationship needs to end."
"Oh.."
"I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you this weeks before but I didn't want to hurt you. It's not your fault. Trust me. I'm just not happy anymore."
"But I've done everything for you. You just sat there in the relationship."
"It's my fault. You probably hate me. I've been depressed lately because of this. I never want to hurt you. You were going out of your way to help me and all I did was push you away. I  was making myself distant though I knew you could ease my depression. Plus, my ex wants me back. I missed him. Yeah, I acted like he didn't mean shit to me, but really, I freaking love him... But I love you."
"Out of all the times you could've said that, you say that now!!"
"I'm sorry...."
"Why didn't you say this to me when I was alive?"
"What do you mean?"
"I was reincarnated out of a hell I couldn't stand to live in. When you came along you brought me out of hell. But now, I'm dead. I no longer exist anymore because  you were the one with the gun with the finger on the trigger."
"I... I don't know what to say."
"Thanks for the hurt you've caused. It's gonna be here awhile. You should get an award for making me feel like a piece of shit."
"Goodbye..."

She walked off in tears. All I heard was the lamenting. She's crying her eyes out, but it doesn't phase me. Sometimes the people who hurt you for the same reason, with the same excuses, you begin to not feel anything. I don't feel anymore. On the way home, friends were wondering what was wring with me. I gave the look to leave me alone. At home, I stayed in my bedroom. That night, doubts of what love is was creeping in. My only friend was the darkness. Demons come lie in the bed with me to comfort the depression living inside this mind that wants to die. Nightmares of people leaving and not coming back ,forcing me to cry in my sleep. Nothing was the same.

The next day, I walked to school because I didn't want to be around all that PDA or her. I noticed that today felt different than yesterday. Maybe because I'm used to all that lovey dovey bullshit and feeling it. Maybe I missed her.. Not!!! I ignored any questions or attachments I had with her and tried to forget it. The school bullies were subtle about showing themselves as bullies. To be even more honest, it's like you're bullied by everyone, whether if they're your friends or anyone else. You're bullied by everyone. Besides me sidetracking, the only feeling I have is hate. You never want to feel hate, but sometimes, it comes to you when you don't come to it.
You shouldn't hate the person you used to love. It happens though. You can't give bad and receive good. Life doesn't work like that. She should've known that.
     During class, I had to write an essay about my week. This hits home. I should write about how she hurt me and how much it affected me. Nah, I shouldn't. Adults don't care about teenagers' feelings anyways. We're kids. But whatever, I wrote it anyway. The words on that paper were strong. So strong you can feel the profoundness with your heart. The teacher read my essay. She looked concerned, and she asked the question, "Are you contemplating suicide?"
"Hell no!"
"Language!"
"Why do you think I want to commit suicide!?"
"Your writing was depressing. Good but depressing."
"That's a little judgmental, don't you think?!"
"Yes, and I am sorry if it comes out as judgmental."
"You're fine. Just don't cross that line again."
"Understood. And again, I'm sorry."
I sat at my desk waiting for the bell to ring, but this "special person" disappeared so there's no point in getting all happy for someone you barely see. You only see her whenever she wants to hang. Its been two months since the friendship and only a few weeks of the relationship. It only brings memories of her, so I forget her. But the harder I tried to, the more I thought about her. It's a lose-lose situation. She saved me from taking my own life. She talked me out of it.
"I have to forget about her. This isn't helping me just by me thinking about her. It's hurting me."
"Sure it is. Let it. You're addicted to me. You're used to having me around anyways. You're addicted to your self destruction."
"I know that. Don't remind me."
"I have to. Just to make your day worse.  You don't care anyways. You go with the flow."
"Yeah. I know."
"Just stay depressed. If she really loved you then she wouldn't have left. If the relationship didn't work it wasn't love. She didn't love you. End of story."
"Yeah. You're right."
"I'm always right. Now go on with your day."
"Ugh. Fine."
A friend came to see if I was okay. I didn't want to talk about it to him.
"Dude, you've been acting weird lately. Is there something going on?"
"No... I'm fine man. I just need to think."
"Oh. Okay. Well, if you need anything I'm always here."
"Okay..."
I wanted him to stay longer, but depression wanted him away from me, so I left. When I got home, I stayed in my room. The loneliness was a killer too. I'm used to her just being in the bed waiting foe to bring snacks and turn on the TV. Since she's gone, I can't really sleep well.  Mom was in her room as always, asleep. She goes to sleep early so our conversations are short. About nine or so she goes to bed. I don't really talk to mom about any personal issues. I go to bed late, because of some art stuff I have to do.
"You can't handle the fact that she's gone."
"You don't have to remind me."
"Well, that's my job dumbass."
"I know."
"Then quit acting stupid. Ugh, don't let her go. She's the reason why you're all sad and not letting the breakup go is making me stronger. I'm corrupting your brain and heart. Kill yourself. You can't handle it. The pain is intense. Your sadness is so....so strong. I NEED IT!!  KILL YOURSELF TO FULFILL MY TRUE POWER...."
I go to get a knife since I'm close to the kitchen. I held it to my arm and sliced my arm. I passed out crying. I was dying. Nobody was around to save me until my mom saw me.

Then there was darkness...