You Have No Idea

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          7th grade. One of the worst years of my life. Ill try to stick to just 7th grade cause I will save 8th for the next chapter. 

          You know how I said that 7th grade was in of the worst years of my life...?  Yeah well that because 8th grade was the worst. But yeah, 7th grade. This was when I was questioning everything. I was wondering why I was liking at girls and not boys and what was wrong with me. So that lead to depression and to the stupidest thing I have ever done.... I started cutting. I didn't know why but I never saw anyone doing this and I never saw it on YouTube or anything I just started doing to cause I thought that was better than dealing with the assholes. But like I said it was the stupidest thing I ever did.

          At the beginning of my 7th grade year I remember trying so hard to be something I wasent. I was trying so hard to be a girl. everyone around me would always push me down no matter what I tried to do. I always tried to just fit in and I tried wearing make-up and I tried wearing dresses but I tries to fool myself into thinking that I was happy doing this, but I knew that I was never happy. I didn't know it at the time but I did have major gender dysphoria. I hated the things on my chest and I hated what was in between my legs. I knew that I wasent a girl but everyone else said (in my family) that I was so pretty and that I was such a beautiful girl that should be happy by the way they look but no. I never saw that, and I never will because thats just not who I am. I thought that I had to do what everyone else wanted and I thought that I had to do what made everyone else happy even if it meant that I was miserable. My parents saw a happy girl that loved wearing "girly" shirts and dresses. But what they didn't know was that I was dying inside and that I was scared and I had nothing but sadness in my life. 

          Near the middle on the school year there was this boy on the bus that for some reason started to talk to me. Everyday he would sit with me on the bus and everyday he would tell me how pretty I was. I didn't know it then but I now know that he was and still is a fuckboy and I feel bad for every girl he gets with. But anyway, he was sitting with me and he would always keep his arm around me. It would be this way whenever we saw each other. (I forgot to mention that he was junior in high school and I was a 7th grader). He would always grab my but and act as if I was his everything. Looking back at this I have no clue why I fell for it and I had no clue why I gave him everything he wanted. But I did, I gave him exactly what he wanted. 

          One day when he got me alone, he started kissing me, well that's an understatement, he started making out with me. I really had no idea what to do so I just let him do it. He started going harder and faster and he started touching me and again, I didn't stop him so he kept going. I was very uncomfortable but I never said no and I never stopped him so it wasent rape or sexual assault it was just weird and awkward. I didn't like it but I didn't want to piss him off and tell him to stop. It was weird like I said. He kept going and I never stopped him and that was the night I lost my virginity.  Not exactly the way I wanted to loose it. So after he got what he wanted out of me he left me and acted as if nothing had ever happened. If I was ever around him he would act like I wasn't there. He had blocked me from every social media that we were following each other on and he just threw me out the window sort of speak.

          Needless to say, more depression and everything followed that incident. And then came 8th grade after the worst summer of my life.