Deep Cuts {E.D}

{2}

The morning. The rising of the sun. The sunlight creeping through my curtains hitting my eyes and making them flutter open. Every time I open my eyes a sigh escapes my lips because of the 'unknown'. I don't know how this day will go especially when it's a school day. I was able to convince my mom to not go to school for 3 days but today I have to go. I had an assignment due today and it's important, actually it counts 30% of the grade which is a lot for me.

I laid in my bed sighing not wanting to take the covers off of me because of the cold air that would hit my skin and make me shiver from the coldness of it.

After laying in my bed and overthinking everything, as always I managed to get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Other girls my age put so much time and effort in putting makeup on and trying their best to look good but I ? I don't see the point in doing all of that. Everyone sees me as ugly and worthless and a couple of layers of mascara or a nicely shaped eyebrow won't do anything.

When I was about to brush my teeth my eyes landed on the box of blades or what i call them my 'brushes'. I decided to not cut yet. It would take way too much time because if i start my depression and frustration takes over my body and I can't stop cutting and crying at the same time, I'm basically an emotional wreck.

After I put on my outfit and got ready I made my way down to the kitchen expecting the worst. When I entered the kitchen I saw that the breakfast was ready and a note next to it saying ' hey hun, I'm sorry I couldn't eat breakfast with you I needed to go to work earlier. I'm truly sorry enjoy your day and invite Christine if you want you haven't been doing one of your crazy sleepovers in a long time. Love u mom.

By the time I reached Christine's name I was fully in tears. I couldn't contain my sadness and mostly my anger. It just took over me. I threw the plate at the floor making it break just like my heart in that moment. I haven't told her. I mean it's not important she wouldn't care anyway. I took a fistful of my hair trying to rip it out with all the strength I had left. I tried to control my breathing and started to clean up the breakfast not even touching any food like the past few months. I'm not anorexic I just can't get food in my mouth. It has a bitter taste. Like my tears when they fall out of my eyes rolling down my face and finally dripping into my mouth. They didn't taste salty anymore they tasted bitter.

I washed my face and went out. The second I exited the door I felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in my body, in myself, in being alive. I wanted it to end but I couldn't I need to be strong for my mothers sake. I closed my eyes taking in the warmth of the sun. The only time I felt warmth in my body.

I could take the bus to school but I decided to walk. It calms me down a bit, actually taking a walk before school was the  reason why I didn't broke down right there and then.

I feel the eyes, the glares and the whispers on me. I ignore it like I do with everything else in my life. I went to my locker taking out my books and making my way to the classroom.

The other students talk with their friends and boyfriends. They tell each other about their weekend and make plans with them. They laugh and smile. Oh how much I wished I could smile in this very moment. But I can't, I think I will never smile again. The absence of my friends had been so long that their presence no longer matters.

I feel like Christine doesn't even know what she is doing to me. I don't know if she really wants to push this so far or if she thinks that I'm just acting like I'm broken in every way a human being can break.

I just sit there reading my book and imagining that my life is as amazing and romantic as the life of the characters in the books I read.

The bell rings and I snap out of my thoughts. It started good. Wow, a good start into the day. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe one year can change a lot when even a day can change many things. I think I didn't lose hope. I think I just Ignore it. I'm good at it. Probably the only thing I manage to do good or right.

{🥀}