ENLIGHTENED

FIVE

            A loud sigh echoed across the dark room as Qifen sat on her bed, looking over the window with her knees close to her chest. Days were usually very long but it wasn't until earlier when things went a little out of hand. At one moment, she was happy he was there. He came to see her and took a walk with her. He even taught her how to write a character with finesse. But all of those enchanted moments left when she caught herself dumbfounded, unable to respond the moment when he confessed how he felt about her. How she wanted to drown herself in the lake for making him feel bad. But it wasn't because she didn't like him; she was just too shy to tell him how she feels. If only she could bring back the lost time and the lost moments – unfortunately, things wasn't going her way.

She looked at the rose pin lying on a crumpled piece of parchment across her bed. Everything flashed back at her, the memory of how he gave it to her under the lantern-lit cherry blossom tree. She was ever so happy when she saw him, but moments later, everything came falling as if autumn has come all so suddenly.

The chilly spring wind came sweeping her face, it gave her chills. Yet the memory of the prince was just too painful for her, making her feel remorseful.

She never felt anything like that before, given that she was housed inside the Peach Palace for years. She was deprived of the things that any girl in the country would have enjoyed in her adolescence and being born a Xu, one of China's most powerful families, life at court was inevitable. Her two grandmothers had been Royal Consorts from the previous dynasties, and for the last two generations that the Xu family never had a female heir. She was the clan's pride and joy that for the past 40 years, finally, there was a female Xu. She was brought up to uphold the family values and the welfare of the country before anything else. And now that she's with around fifty other girls in the Peach Palace, she found herself different from others. Unlike her, they had amusing stories to share – experiences, emotions, and even the kind of affection she never had from anyone else aside from her family. Even Suyin had much to say about it most especially about that foreigner from a place called Goryo. Such feeling was a stranger to her, and right at that moment, she blamed herself that amidst her being so knowledgeable in so many aspects, being affectionate was something that she was lacking so much.

Her sighs of hopelessness coincided with her tears as it silently fell on her face and on her robes.

Then the door creaked open and Suyin came in bringing a platter full of fruits in one hand and a large stack of bamboo trays on the other.

"Suyin..." Qifen said as she wiped her face with her sleeves while Suyin was placing a candlestick on the small table. "What are you doing? Why are you still up at this time?"

"My conscience has been disturbing me for the past few hours and I cannot bear it any longer," Suyin replied, placing the platter and the trays open on the table and arranged them accordingly. "I feel so guilty like I'm a mother not being able to feed my child."

"Oh dear... did someone see you? Look at all those food!" Qifen was amazed by the amount of food her friend brought with her. It was like a feast.

"Teacher Yanyu already saw me the moment I stepped out of my quarters." Suyin replied, taking a steamed bun and took a bite at the edge. "I was supposed to tell her that I was just going to the washroom but it would look strange if I lie," of course, Suyin goes really weird whenever she lies. "So I told her the truth instead."

"Aya~ I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be this burdensome-"

"It's fine, I didn't eat much at dinner too," she replied as she sat on the pillow comfortably and took a grape from the platter. "Why don't you come here and sit down with me."