Soulless (Justin Bieber Love Story / Fan Fiction)

XXX

XXX.
__________
Song of the chapter:
Mess Is Mine by Vance Joy
__________

For the millionth time that night, my heart felt like it was going to come out of my mouth. It was no secret that Justin had a lot of girlfriends-- everyone knew that-- but nothing was ever out of the ordinary until Justin and Jessica broke up. That was when everything seemed to go downhill for Justin. I was too blind to notice.

I was finally getting somewhere. He hadn't told me exactly what he does to all of the girls that made them react the way that they did, but it seemed that I was discovering the root of the problem: Jessica.

He didn't say anything. It was as if his mind was racing, but his stare was blank. He was staring at me. It was obvious that he wanted to tell me, but it was difficult. Something was holding him back.

"Justin, you can tell me," I encouraged him. Though I was confused and undoubtedly hurt by the fact that he was trying to pursue me while he was with someone else, I wanted to know. "What did you do to her?"

"Nothing, Kennedy. I didn't do anything to her. Why would you think that?" he asked. "Please, just-- just stop assuming that I'm the bad guy. Like you said, we don't know each other that well. You can't assume shit about people. It's not fair."

He's right. Although I've heard a lot of terrible things, he's never done anything to me. He hasn't hurt me. Yet.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I shouldn't have assumed."

"I understand," he shook his head. "Just, please don't do that. Not about this, at least. This isn't something that I meticulously planned out or whatever it is that people think I do."

I nodded, wanting him to proceed. I wanted to know, but I was afraid. Whatever it was screwed them both up pretty bad. Jessica was vacant and quiet and barely around, while Justin was, well, Justin. I felt bad for him.

"You know how Jessica used to be, right? So nice and outgoing and all around just a beautiful spirit. Anyone she talked to, it was like impossible for them to be sad. She had this way of carrying herself that no one else did," he began.

He was talking about her like she was dead. It made my stomach hurt terribly. It was kind of like she was. The nice, outgoing Jessica died and whatever it was that she turned into was just a hollow shell of a person. I didn't know her very well, but she was always very nice to me. The grace that she used to walk through the halls with was gone, the sparkle in her eye was gone, and her personality had vanished. She was figuratively dead.

"I can still remember the exact day and everything about it. It was one of her family parties that her parents always threw in the summer. They were so much fun. So many people came. We all played games and drank and had fires and all that kind of stuff. It was just good, clean fun all the time. School was almost over in our junior year, and the party was on a Saturday. We were all sitting around a fire around 9:30. Some people were drunk while others were just soberly enjoying the atmosphere. I had my arm around Jessica. I was a little buzzed, but not drunk. She was the same. We were both completely coherent. That's why I kick myself for even letting it happen. I had no excuse."

My stomach flipped again. I had no idea what possibly could have happened to her, but for some reason I was gathering ideas in my head.

"Her cousin, Sam, was so fucking cool. I liked him a lot. I considered him a friend of mine, actually. He was older than us, twenty I think, but he was such a nice guy. We had gone out with him and his girlfriend a few times and had so much fun. So when Jessica went inside to get another drink for both of us and Sam followed, I thought nothing of it."

Oh god, I thought. He raped her.

"I was so fucking stupid. She was gone for thirty fucking minutes, and I didn't think anything of it. Sam came out of the house alone. I asked him where Jess was, and he said she didn't feel good and went to bed. Immediately, I knew something wasn't right. She was fine earlier," he quieted down. "I insisted that I check on her, but Sam told me not to. He said that after she threw up a few times, he got her to sleep. And I fucking listened to him. Shortly after, I left. I didn't even go upstairs and check on her. I just left."

Oh my god.

"She didn't tell me until the next day. She called me and sounded awful, which of course, I assumed she was sick. But she wasn't. I went over to her house. She still had the same outfit on and she appeared blank-- almost like she was actually dead. She told me what happened. She told me that Sam raped her. Her own cousin raped her less than fifty yards away from all of us! And I--" he stopped, nearly choking on his breath. "I left. I didn't know. I swear, I didn't know."

I gulped. "Did you guys report it?"

He shook his head. "No. No, she didn't want to. She didn't tell anyone other than me. Imagine having to hold that shit in, Kennedy. The person you love gets sexually assaulted, and you can't help them. You can't--"

"It's okay," I consoled him by placing my hand on his cheek as he lay beside me and tried to keep himself from falling apart. I couldn't blame him. "So, why did you break up? What happened?"

"She broke up with me," he whispered. "She told me that I shouldn't blame myself because I didn't know, but every time she looked at me, all she could see was Sam. She could no longer be intimate with me. I'd try to kiss her and she would start panicking, thinking it was Sam. She had nightmares and panic attacks almost daily. I couldn't help her. I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't. It was fucking terrible, Kennedy. I wouldn't wish that shit on anybody."

I suddenly forgot about everything that happened between he and I before. I felt so sorry for him. It made complete sense as to why both of them were so fucked up. The situation was absolutely fucked up.

"Justin, I didn't know," I shook my head.

"No one does," he exhaled. "That's why she is the way she is and I am the way I am. We all cope differently, right?"

Though I didn't know Sam, I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I couldn't imagine how Justin felt about it.

"Is Sam--" I began slowly.

"Walking around freely? Yeah," he laughed dryly, though the situation wasn't at all funny. "I haven't seen him since. I think he knew that Jess told me. It's better that he doesn't come near me. I would kill him."

I wanted to ask why Jessica didn't report her rape, but I knew already. Girls who get raped are blamed for it more often than not. The girl is asked what she was wearing at the time or if she was drunk or if she simply just regretted the sex and wanted to blame it on someone. Though it was her cousin, I understood her fear. It was terrible.

"I tried everything, you know?" he continued on. He disregarded my hand on his cheek. "I was so patient and caring and supportive, but it wasn't enough. She needed help. She still needs help. Every time I see her at school, I just feel sick. I feel like it's my fault--"

"No, Justin. It's not. You didn't know. How the fuck could you have known that her own cousin would do that to her?  That's not something people think about. It's just not."

He didn't cry. He appeared lifeless-- soulless. It was like he had thought about it constantly and thought about things he could have done, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

"I loved her. I mean, I still do, but how can she be with someone who makes her think about her rape? How fucked up is that?" he breathed out.

"It's fucked up. It really is," I rested my head on his shoulder, lowering my hand to his chest. "You did what you could. You're a good person, Justin."

It all made sense to me then. I still didn't know what exactly he did to all of those girls, but it didn't seem important then. I finally knew what made him the way he was, and it was a start. A start to knowing who he was, and potentially a start to us being closer.

__________

a/n: this is short, but it was kind of more so "find out wtf is up with justin and why he is the way he is"

💛 please vote and comment 💛