Pain, Love & Anguish

Dearly Loved

2/26/16
I skipped a few days writing in my diary. We were attacked.. Wait let me rephrase that these men were attacked and I just happened to be here. I think Arturo is coming to get me or atleast trying. Nico doesn't think my safety is in his best interest but I'm not exactly sure it's in Nico's either. Like I said it's been a few days a lot has happened. Nico took me out and cooked at his place then we shared a kiss. Yeah a kiss. A beautiful, hot, passionate, sexy kiss. God I was so attracted to him. But I had to leave he's not good for me. This is not good for me. Falling for this criminal. He kissed me again in his garden. After that I realized I had to get rid of him at that moment or else I would never let go. Nico would become apart of me. Nico would become my life.

Leo. I have to go fill up the car. Can you take the baby please?

I didn't really reply I just nodded. I had to take the baby. So I did. The baby didn't cry, didn't whine, just looked at me.

That child sat there and starred into my soul. I looked to the left of me at the recently empty seat, but was now occupied by Amora's beautiful glowing body and frame.

A light hand touched the baby's head and she leaned over and kissed the child. I knew she wasn't real. But my tears were. She sat up and she looked at me. Her hand caressed the side of my face and she kissed my cheek.

This was what was supposed to happen. She was supposed to be here, carrying my baby. She's nothing but a ghost now and memories that turn into tears when I'm alone. I failed her.

I felt the car shake and I knew Leo was done with the gas so I wiped my tears quickly, no one ever seen me cry but her. When we were in the shower and I told her about my aunt. I don't even think she realized I was crying.

The door slammed and Leo got back in.

Leo. Do you want me to take him?

Nico. Her

Leo. Excuse me boss?

Nico. It's a her

Leo. Okay Nico, let me drive

I didn't even argue. I didn't say anything. I just got up and switched seats with him. I held the girl. She reminded me way too much of Amora.

Leo. You gonna be okay?

Nico. Yeah

Leo. What do you want me to tell everyone about Juan?

Nico. That I killed him.

I didn't really care if people knew the truth. If they knew I killed him they would fear me more. I need to be feared. Everyone should fear me. Amora, she should have feared me.

We pulled back up to the syndicate. I didn't say much more to him I just left the baby in my arms. Everyone looked at me when I walked in, even Lorenzo shot me a confusing look. But I kept walking. Up to my office and locking the door.

I tossed my bag on the floor and sat on the little couch with her. I wonder what her name is, I wonder what race she is, was she planned or an accident? She's here by accident. She's an accident like me.

Just by the way she looked at me I could tell she was tired. She's like Amora was when she was alive. Amora would look at me and look and look and look until her eyes got lower and lower and lower until they slowly closed. I would place the blanket over her just to her shoulders so that I could watch her sleep.

I put my sweater over the baby who was now sleep on the couch. Then I got up and sat at my desk intending to do work but I didn't. I just sat there and I watched her sleep as if she was the love of my life.

So peaceful, so beautiful.

A gentle knock at the door disrupted my moment of peace. I opened it and it was Lorenzo. I was expecting to see him after I walked in with the little one.

Nico. She's sleep

He took a peek into the room and saw her sleeping.

Lorenzo. So... what's the plan?
He whispered.

I just shrugged.

Lorenzo. I know you are not thinking about keeping her

He said sitting in front of my desk in a chair.

Lorenzo was always like my voice of reason but I couldn't stand to listen to this right now. Today.

Nico. I don't know what I'm going to do with her yet Lorenzo, I killed her mother and father so what do you expect me to do with her ?

Lorenzo. There's all kinds of options Nico. The women here love kids and I'm sure would love to take care of her.

Nico. We are talking about a baby here, I can't put that kind of responsibility on someone else

Lorenzo. Adoption

Nico. I don't have time for this right now Lorenzo

I said looking down at my desk and flipping through paperwork to make it look like I was busy doing something.

Lorenzo. You are stalling

I saw him look back at the little girl on the couch.

Lorenzo. But you will come to your senses you are just hurting right now, your heart is breaking and you're trying to find anything to fill the empty void.

Nico. You can't break what you don't have Lorenzo. Is there anything else?

Lorenzo. No I guess not, I know it's not really safe for you to go anywhere else so you can still come back to my place after work.

Nico. I appreciate it

And with that Lorenzo was gone.

"Can't break what you don't have" did I really mean that? Do I just not have a heart anymore? The pain it isn't even pain anymore. It's numbing my body and mind. I can't think straight. I could have stopped before I killed that woman today I didn't.

I could have let Juan walk. I didn't. And I don't feel bad about it at all. There's no empathy, no care in the world. Even though I kill for a living, it used to still weigh heavy on my heart but it doesn't anymore. I feel nothing.

Then I look at her on the couch and all my emotions rush in. Like this baby was a reincarnation of my lost love. Like I have a second chance.

I must have fell asleep there, in my thoughts, in that chair. I opened my eyes to the little on squirming around on that couch. But I also spotted a few groceries on the ground. Someone must have been in here, didn't I lock my door?

I got up and walked to the bags. Bottles, bibs, clothes, food, milk, diapers and a note.

"Until you figure out what you're going to do"
-Lisa

I appreciated this dearly. I think she might be waking up because she's hungry. Then she began to cry. I had to read the directions on that formula bottle more than a few times to make it right. But I finally did. Then I sat down on the couch beside her lifted her and put her on my lap.

*Flashback*
Nico. My love don't cry

I said to her while she was laying on the couch crying.

She never did answer me. So I got up and I sat on the couch and lifted her and put her on my lap. So that she could cry on my shoulder. So that she felt loved and protected. So that she knew I would do anything to fix her problems. To fix her broken heart.

*End Of Flashback*

Yeah I remember that. I took her back to my office after Arturo's death. She never stopped crying that night but she did let me stay with her.

I looked down and realized I was cradling the baby in my lap. Staying with me she will be dearly loved... dearly loved... Amaia. Amaia is French for beloved or dearly loved. I think Amora would have loved it.

Nico. Okay.. Okay.. Amaia