Sember (Forestfolk, Book 2)

Chapter 18a

At long last we were on our way. I managed to take it easy for two whole days before insisting that it was time to head out. I was restless and increasingly aware of the passing time. The sooner we got this over with, the better.

Jastin said it would take about two days to get to the cave, so we packed accordingly. I didn't bother protesting when he said he was coming with me because, frankly, I didn't want to go by myself. Plus, I had no idea where this cave was.

My pack wasn't as heavy as when we'd left Foresthome, because we didn't need to bring two weeks' worth of food. Odavik was out of sight now. I had kept looking back to see Goben's figure getting smaller and smaller. I felt uneasy leaving him behind, but was glad he wasn't coming with me on this task. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if anything happened to him.

I glanced over at Jastin, whose long strides easily kept up with mine. I felt comfortable with him, though I still knew very little about him. He never told me about his gift until I'd asked about it point-blank. I probably needed to keep doing so if I wanted to learn anything else about him.

"Jastin, what do people think about your gift?"

His eyebrows jumped up. "You don't waste time on idle chatter, do you?"

I chewed on my lip, unsure if I was being rude. "I guess I'm not an idle chatter kind of girl. It's just . . . I don't know a lot of Gifted. And most of them have a certain talent or useful ability, but nothing like what we can do. We can conjure elements. I think that scares people."

He gazed up at the sparse trees we passed. I thought maybe he was formulating an answer, but then he said, "I hadn't actually thought about it."

My mouth dropped open. "How could you not? It's on my mind all the time."

He looked at me then, indecision crossing the planes of his face.

"Jastin, I'm not a gossip. I'd just like to, you know, not feel so alone. Don't you feel like your gift isolates you sometimes?"

"Yes," he finally replied. His eyes were shuttered, but I thought I saw a trace of loneliness there. Or maybe it was just me, projecting onto him.

I waited for him to elaborate, but he just looked ahead again.

I sighed with irritation. It was like trying to coax a nut away from a chipmunk. "How is it that you talk so much with Goben, but not with me?"

"Actually, he does most of the talking."

That made me laugh. "You're right, he does." I paused, then added, "Sometimes I wish I could be more like him."

He glanced at me. "I don't."

"Well, of course you don't." I gestured toward him. "You seem fine with who you are. I'll bet you never wasted a single day wishing you were someone else."

He gave me a curious look. "No, I meant I don't wish you were more like him. Do you often wish you were someone else?"

I looked down at my shoes as they plodded through the snow. My questions seemed to be revealing too much about myself. "I asked you first."

"Well, technically, you didn't. You assumed my answer, so I posed the actual question back to you."

My lips pressed into a thin line. Why did he insist on evading me all the time? Was I not worth his time? His trust? If that was how he wanted it, then maybe it was a good thing. The walls I kept trying to resurrect were full of holes. Maybe this would make for some good bolstering. "Well, technically, I'm just trying to have a conversation," I said, not bothering to hide my exasperation. "Technically, I just want to learn more about you. But if you think I'm not trustworthy or whatever, that's fine. We don't have to be friends."

I stalked ahead, not wanting to walk next to him anymore. I had been excited to learn he was gifted with the ability to command ice. I wanted to ask him if he practiced, if he had a routine, if sometimes his energy felt so pent-up that he feared it might explode out of him. I wanted to know if people held him at arm's length. If they were afraid to make him mad. Did they avoid him? Did they make stilted conversation around him? Did he feel dangerous?

I guess what I really wanted to know was if he ever felt like an unwanted freak.

But I guess I would never know, because I was talking to a clam.

I was used to spending a lot of time on my own with nothing to keep me company but my own thoughts. What I really wanted to do was run off my frustration, but I had no idea what direction to head in. I was tethered to Jastin, which annoyed me even more. My hands started jittering as the heat boiled inside me. I scooped up a handful of snow without breaking my stride and held it to my mouth, sipping the water as it melted. The refreshing cold soothed me a bit, so I scooped up another handful.

From the corner of my eye, I kept tabs on Jastin to make sure he didn't change direction. I probably should have walked behind him, but I didn't want to look at him. He didn't think I was worth talking to, so I didn't think he was worth another single thought. The sooner I put him out of my mind, the better.

But I couldn't.

I could hear his breath and the steady crunch of his steps. I thought of his kindness when he found boots for me, and his gentle touch when he bandaged my foot. I had been worth his time then. Why not now?

He probably thought better of me when he knew less about me, when all he knew were the glowing tales that Goben told. Then, in the space of two days, I had managed to splash cold reality onto that image. I was rude, temperamental, and hungry all the time. I scorched wildlife into food. I chose independence over friendliness.

I felt it looming over my head again... that garbage pile I carried around with me... all the Things That Don't Attract Boys. It wasn't just boys, was it? It was everyone. It was about me not being a person anyone would want to talk to. It was a pile of Things That Don't Attract Anyone.

Self-doubt is so hard to deal with. She deserves a vote.