She thinks she is greedy and selfish. But what she was is the opposite.
I saw her standing in front of her grandfather's coffin, trying to hold back her tears. She whispered several words to him then returned to where she sat a while ago. Some visitors thought she needed comfort... They were wrong. I knew her more than anyone else in this room. She wasn't grieving; it was tears of joy.
She was the weirdest girl I met in my entire life. She dances and sings all the time. She faints most of the time, but she isn't diagnosed of any sickness. She cries when she is happy and smiles when she is not okay. She doesn't wear dresses. She prefers rubber shoes and sneakers rather than flip flops and high heels. She is manlier than the guys she befriends. She has a beautiful name but she hates it. But despite all this, I love her because she gives but doesn't expect to be paid back.
"You heard me. This review session is for free. You don't need to offer me cupcakes," she said way back in high school.
She was the top in the batch and probably the most well-known student in her school, yet she was very approachable. She held reviews a week before the exam, gave her classmates several tips on how to solve their assignments, and helped anyone who asked for her assistance in making projects. Many people might have thought that she was just pretending to be nice in order to win the crowd. Yes, she wasn't loved by the people whom she trusted and took care of. And that was the saddest part of her story.
Her so-called "friends" doubted her honesty. They dumped her as if she was just a piece of crap accidentally mixed up in a pile of artwork. She was then left alone in the midst of individuals who were similar to her "friends". It's like the whole world is against her – or probably just the entire school community – until she met this guy whom she thought was the one destined for her. They looked so good together. At first, their relationship was her ideal one. But all of a sudden, her love story was ruined... all because of her girl friend. Yes, another friend.... her best girl friend who took almost everything from her – fame, attention, position, her man, and even her own happiness.
Trusting anyone is the hardest thing to do, admit it. Even though I have known people for such a long time, I still doubt them. I always look for loopholes in their loyalty, and yes, I find several. Some tend to do the same thing to them, thinking that they deserved it. She was not like that before. But after what the ones she trusted did to her, she was transformed into a heartless beast – a creature that pretends to be what she wasn't.
She refused to handle review sessions. She didn't speak when her classmates asked her about their home works. She heeded less about the ones who needed her help. She constrained herself in her own world and did all her best to get back what she deserved to have. And she succeeded.
She was not the person that I used to know. She was not the same girl whom I loved and spent my whole life with. But I felt that deep inside, she wanted to break free from the chains that she herself made. So I decided to finish all her sufferings.
I killed her.
It was the best thing to do. She let me put the blade on her neck and cut her flesh with no hesitation. I didn't mourn for her. Instead, I triumphed for her death. I buried her deeply beneath the layers of the earth, leaving no trace of dug soil, because she wished to be forgotten. And I lived as if she didn't exist...
She stood up again and asked for a cup of coffee. She looked at her watch and realized it was already midnight. She tried to keep herself conscious to watch over the people visiting the funeral wake. But not an hour later, she fell asleep.
When she woke up, she immediately went to her grandfather and whispered the same words she said yesterday...
"Grandpa, I just wanted to say thank you because you became the captain of my ship. You let me learn that I wasn't supposed to take revenge. You helped me reconstruct myself that was shattered a long time ago. You made me realize that all those countless victories I've gained were meant to be shared with the ones I love. Don't worry; I followed your advice to kill my old self. She doesn't exist anymore."
Yes. It was she who killed herself. It was she who knew the girl more than anyone else. It was she who danced, sang and wore rubber shoes her whole life. It was she who had a beautiful name but hated it. It was she who told this story. She was I, and I was the girl at my grandfather's funeral wake.
