The Seventh

Chapter 6

Richard couldn't sleep, couldn't even close his eyes. He was staring into darkness and the image of Emma crying on her knees wouldn't get out of his head. He hated himself for causing her so much pain. The pain he never realized he was inflicting on her, he was too fucked up back when he left Berlin and his band mates knew all about his situation but Emma was only 11 years old back then. Richard was ripped out of his thoughts when the door opened and Till entered, he approached the bed and sat next to Richard, "how you feelin'?" Till whispered.
"as bad as I deserve" he sighed.
Till fell silent. "Why didn't you tell me about her?" he questioned till.
"you were a mess, you needed time, I didn't wanna cause you more pain, besides I wanted to handle the situation by myself" he said softly and put a hand on Richard's shoulder.
"Turned out I was the asshole who put her through shit and I didn't even know it" he smirked bitterly. "I'm sorry I talked to you like that" he added with guilt.
"hey don't say that, you're here now, you'll make it up to her" Till said kindly. "I will, I promise. I'll explain everything to her. She deserves to know" Richard said. "God... I love her so much, how did this happen to me?"  Richard sighed.
"That's another thing that one day we should probably explain to her" Till shook his head. That dirty dark secret, one day she needed to know.
"She never asks about her?" Richard asked quietly like he was talking about a cursed forbidden topic. "No, never" Till was alarmed. He shifted with discomfort.
Suddenly Emma mumbled something in her sleep, she made an uncomfortable noise and furrowed then clutched harder into Richard's shirt. Richard ran his fingers through her hair and held her closer, worked like magic. She went out cold again. "I better go" Till nuzzled Emma's hair quickly and stood up, then he hesitated for a moment, he sighed and bend down and kissed the top of Richard's head and whispered "never for one second I regret asking you to be her God father, sometimes I think you're a better father to her than I am,  thank you, brother" Then he was gone. Richard was feeling better, he shut his tired eyes and finally went to sleep.

Emma opened her eyes, first thing she noticed was the blinding bright light in the room, she shut her eyes again and then noticed the pounding headache, she whined with pain. She felt a chuckle next to her "It's called being hangover, baby"
"Don't yell" she whined again. Everything from last night was coming back to her, she hardly opened her eyes again and saw Richard looking at her with concern in his eyes.
"I did that, didn't I?" she gasped when she saw the scratches on his face.
"I deserved it." Richard sighed with guilt. They both fell silent then Richard said "come on I'll draw you a bath and make you breakfast, you'll feel better after you're cleaned up and fed. besides you kinda reek" he kissed her forhead again and got up and went to the bathroom, he turned the hot water on to fill the tub. Then got back only to see Emma snuggling to the pillows. "It's ready, come on doll, it's gonna get cold" , he helped her into the bathroom and made sure she got into the tub without falling onto the ground then left for the kitchen. It was early and The house was silent, everyone was asleep. it was Sunday and they said yesterday that they'd do nothing band related today. He started making coffee and some bacon and eggs. Emma entered the kitchen wearing a batman onesie, the hood was like batman's mask, she looked adorable like that, the little geek. Richard put food in front of her and sat across the table holding his mug and looking at her eating like a cave man. The sight was very lovely and comforting so Richard couldn't help but smile. "what?" Emma asked with a full mouth.
"I'm happy you're safe, you scared the Holy crap outta me last night,"
"Sorry... everything felt too much at the moment, I just...I just wanted to know if the grown up solution would work. It didn't,,, really" she sighed and sipped on her coffee.
"How did you get alcohol?" Richard asked trying to sound casual.
"went to Wal-Mart parking lot, this guy left his trunk open to go get something from his car, I snatched the first bottle I saw and then ran,,, it was whisky, I didn't have any money on me so I had to drink it just like that. I sat under a bridge, threw up every half and hour, but I drank half of it,,, it was disgusting" she shivered at the memory. "then I broke the bottle cuz well... I was kinda mad and then started wondering around vomiting in every dumpster I found"
"Oh... Emma,,, oh my God..." he held his head in his hands. "what if something happened to you? What if someone... Oh Juses..." he didn't even want to think about it. He lit up a cigarette and inhaled deeply. "I-I'm sorry... I was..." she trailed of and tried to hold back the tears, Richard sat next to her and took her hands on his. "it's OK, you're safe, it's all that matters, it was my fault. Emma... Baby hey... Look at me please" he took her chin and two pair of blue eyes stared deeply at each other. "I need to tell you something, I need you to know, no shhh just let me talk... About a month before I left Berlin, The guys made me go and see a psychiatrist, I was a walking mess, booze, drugs,,,I was high or drunk the whole time, mutter tour messed me up badly. Khira wouldn't go near me, she hated me, more than she hates me now if it's possible. My only pieceful moments were the ones that you'd curl up to my arms and held me tight with your little hands," he smiled at the memory   "but it just got worse after the tour was over, when I went to the psychiatrist, he... Umm... He diagnosed me with severe depression disorder, he told me that a change of scenery might help me and gave me a bunch of pills. I needed to go to rehab but I didn't want to do this here,,, so I knew I had to leave, I needed to do this by myself which seemed like a stupid decision back then, the guys tried to talk me out of it but I basically told them to fuck off and I left. I wasn't myself back then, I was this big pile of depression and addiction... I had to do this, I hurt you Emma, I know you remember,,, I pushed you away from me, literally, your head hit the table and you started bleeding and that was it for me, you were my child and I hurt you, you were everything to me, besides that was Till's final straw, he told me that whether I'd get my shit together and fix everything I fucked up or it'd be the last time I was gonna see you. I've never seen him like that,,, he never got mad like that again but I mean...he was still my brother and he had every right to be mad, the others as well, Paul and Schneider were like two worried to death mothers for me all the time... Schneider held me every time I threw up my guts and Paul would be there with a blanket and aspirin and he'd make me food, I lived with them for a couple of month before I left, I know you remember all this but I'm just trying to clarify it for you, why I had to do what I did. I left to be myself again, I missed you like crazy Emma, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't talk to you or see you until I was completely over my addiction. It took me six month,,, and the rest of it,,, I'm sure you remember" he trailed of and let go of Emma's hands and looked at the floor. Emma got up and got close to him and without any words she wrapped her hands around his broad shoulders and put her head on his. Richard's head was in her chest, hands around her waist and he wondered how can a man at his age feel so safe in a little girl's arms like that. They stayed like that for minutes then Emma kneeled in front of him and kissed his hand, "hey" Richard said softly and brushed her hair away from her face. "you were so brave through everything... you did all this... You became this strong person again, all by yourself, I get it now, I just wish that I could get it back then" she stared aimlessly at Richard's knee and went silent. Richard smiled and took her face in his hands again. "How are you this amazing and understanding?" He looked and sounded so proud.
"I had good teachers" She said smartly and smiled.
"smart ass" Richard grinned. "come on batman, get up and get on with your breakfast" he took her by the arms and helped her up.
After a couple of minutes the rest of them piled in the kitchen one by one and sat around the table. "Are you OK?"  Till kissed his daughter. "I'm OK, I'm good, I'm sorry I scared you guys and dad I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the school thing" she looked apologetically at them with big puppy dog eyes. "it's OK, you're not a rammstein member until you've had a drunken burst out, it's our thing, really" Paul joked in a serious manner which made it funnier.
"Yeah,,, yours was when Emils mother told you she was pregnant with him." flake said and sipped on his coffee. They all laughed loud. "you asshole,,, you remember yours?," Paul chuckled "it was when Till told you about his idea for buck dich performance" They were rolling around in laughter.
"Do you remember Richard's?" Paul asked the group still laughing. "Was it when he had to wear that red gown thing for du richt so gut?" Emma asked.
"Oh God no, he fuckin loved it, that was when he started wearing red nail polish" Schneider said with a big grin.
"Screw you frau schneider" Richard smacked his shoulder while laughing. "I have no problem admitting that I liked being the frau, at least I got all you bitches on a leash, that was fun" he looked up with a fake dreamy face.
"oh Schneider you didn't just like it, you loved being the frau, cross dressing was always your thing, remember Halloween 98? You wore a purple bra and you couldn't be happier." Paul snorted with every word. They all laughed at the memory.
"Richard was a bride that night, a bloody bride" Schneider said while looking at Richard with an even bigger grin. "we dressed you as a scary baby," Ollie told Emma. "some one painted your face,, um.. Who was it?" 
"Wes Borland I think, he was good at it" Till answered him.
"I got my face painted by limp bizkit's guitarist?" Emma gasped happily.
"I took a lot of photos that night, I'll show you later" Paul promised her.

With saying that, the guys started talking about more serious stuff.