Afraid

CHAPTER ONE

I'm afraid. afraid of love. afraid of compassion. afraid to get hurt. afraid of being bullied. afraid of being killed. afraid of being eaten from the inside out from your "little" words that ring so loudly in my head. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of loss. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of struggling through life. I'm afraid of being the one singled out. in afraid of being different. but one thing I'm not afraid of... is being myself. And that alone scares me the most. Im afraid of most things but really I want to see the pain I feel. that's why I started cutting. I believed all of thier words that were so little to them back stayed in my head till I couldn't think about anything else. "worthless" "stupid" "fat" "ugly" "waste of space and time" "you deserve to die" "go die in a ditch" those words are some I could never ever no matter how hard I tried get out of my head. so I played it off like I didn't care. they noticed. they came back hitting me 10x harder. I wasn't afraid. I was terrified. petrified. they brought up anything and everything. I felt alone sad and tierd. but I never broke down. not infront of them. but behind closed doors that was my domain. All I needed was a razor and beer. I was happy. I loved feeling the blood slip down my arm. the life slowly but surly draining out of me. I was finally free. and that was the worst part. because once I started... I couldn't stop. And I knew I would never turn back.

CHAPTER TWO

I was afraid. the saddest thing was... I was afraid of myself. First cut and I was hooked. like a fish on a line. It wasn't normal how good it felt. how much I needed the blade. like id die without it. I was willing to kill if need be. It was like if a crack head couldn't get crack. I was a cutter on crack. only difference is my crack was really a blade. I needed help but I didn't want it. the pain is what let me know I was still alive. I was so scared. I was scared of myself. and that was the worst part. I wrote all of my confessions on paper just inadequate my next cut was my last. I wanted my family to know I loved them and it wasn't thier fault. I wanted them to know I loved them. and was doing it to protect them. I thought life was easy with the blade. but in the end it was worse then when I started. I was lost and I thought the blade had found me. I was insecure but thought the blade sucked it all away. I thought the blade was heaven on earth. but I was so wrong... but I hadn't noticed until it was to late.