The Ache in My Heart

My First Step!

"Ouch" I yelled.

I was being stabbed by the one we called our love. "Not possible!" I thought to myself over and over again, but it had to be possible and I knew that.

It was like someone ran me through! I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I thought they would just hurt me more if they got closer to me. I had already had my feelings trampled on, lied to, name called, beaten up (both mentally and physically), and the worst of all, I was betrayed by the ones closet to me. One of my good friends was trying to have fun that had lead to rumors which had turned into bullying. Everyone wouldn't get out of my personal life. They were sticking like bacteria that got worse and worse everyday.

All this lead me to now, depression, anxiety, scars and emotion problems. I can never go back to being happy now. But, it's not their fault. I'm the one at fault. I drew myself this small box and played a large blanket over me so no one could see me. Hi, I'm Layla Runaway and this is how I became who I am today.

First the obvious. I was born, year later I was talking, walking, but when I got to kinder garden, that was when it really started.Kids liked to make fun of me, but then one day four girls and one boy saved me from my bullies. Their names were Amanda, Mavis, Daisy, Charlotte and Jack. I thought of them as amazing people, but then four years later I had two other friends that I had been fighting with a lot lately so I decided to go hang out with Amanda, Mavis, Daisy, Charlotte and Jack. When I went to go hang out with them they told me to bugger off. As soon as they said that, that was when the bullying started up again, and it wasn't just my peers at school! My brother liked to hurt me, call me names and stuff like that.
I didn't care about my brother bullying me, but when it was other people that's when it hurt the most. Not only that my grandparents on my Dad's side started to try and stay away from me as much as they could. They would say "Sorry, but I have to go do this job. How about you stay here." Or " Sorry but I can't spend time with you, go do what ever you want."
At the age of five to seven years old those words would make you feel abandon for the rest of your life. It was tough. The bullying, the ignoring, it all led to feeling unwanted. I got used to it pretty quick, though. I was pretty useless back then and I probably am still useless now. I can't do anything properly without someone yelling at me. Its a pain.
In grade three I attempted my first self harm act. My family (apart from my mum) went on a little trip to see my 2nd cousins for a week. It was up in the sun with a wonderful beach that had rocks with sharp deadly oysters on them and not so shallow waters. I decided I would cut my small clumsy feet, then go swimming for the sharks, but that didn't work I ended up going to hospital in my Dad's arms with a bandage to keep the cuts together. It was deep and the doctors couldn't stand my screaming so they left one small piece of sand in my foot.
That was my first attempt, no one was suspicious yet, but I was starting to show to much emotion, too much depression. It was going to start to become obvious to everyone if I didn't do something, so I tried to smile as much as I could, even if I felt like I'd be in blooming tears.
The tears and trying my hardest not to be useless, trying not to show my depression and all that stress of people noticing turned into my anxiety. My anxiety was harsh! My grades dropped, I couldn't concentrate and I was starting to run out of steam. Everything felt like weights piling up and up on each other. Headaches and mental illnesses came in due to the stress of the anxiety and depression. I kept asking myself "Am I worthy of this world? Is it worth it that I was born? How can I face the world if I'm so worthless? Will anyone come save me?"