loosing everything. Janoskians.

12 months later.

10.01.14

It's been nearly a year now since we lost Maddy, its got easier, I'm coping now, for months after her death I would cry but I had Luke, despite being oceans apart he was there for me every night, we spoke about everything, and being honest with myself I fell in love with him, more and more everyday.  Then on the 18th of August, exactly a month after mine and Maddy's 18th birthday the inevitable happened, I sat on the computer one day waiting for him to come online, he never did. I waited for hours that night and weeks after but nothing, it wasn't till two weeks later I got any kind of answer as to what had happened when a picture appeared online of himself with a girl tagged my beautiful girlfriend and she was beautiful, more beautiful then I could ever be, she had long blond hair, tanned skin and bright blue eyes that were sparkling in the Australian sun. She wore a beautiful pale pink dress that fell just before her knee's, it was classy yet playful, it showed a both mature and friendly side to her. 

This allusion that me and Luke would be together one day disintegrated before my eyes just with that one simple thing, the simple realisations that I was and would never be good enough for him. 

16.01.14

The day I had dreaded was here, today marked the one year anniversary of Maddy's death. It didn't feel like it had been a year, every day I still imagine her coming home, just walking in through the door one day, or one morning I'd open my eyes and look over and she would be there in her bed. I wished everything was just a nightmare but as each day past the reality of what had happened sunk in more and now a year one I felt I had finally accepted what had happened. I accept that there was nothing anyone could have done, she couldn't be saved, she was born a angle who was just needed earlier than anyone had expected. 

I walked up the isle of  the church where one year ago today we had all said our final goodbye to Maddy and now a year on everyone gathered once again to remember her. 

One-by-one people took the front of the church telling stories of Maddy and how they had affected their life's in different ways

"Maddy was actually the first person I met when I started secondary school, she was so beautiful and caring, she introduced me to so many people that I found it so easy to settle into a new school and that was all thanks to her" 

"I was bullied before, these girls made me feel so low I didn't want to be alive anymore, I begged everyday that I could just have one person to talk to and one day I was sat on facebook and a message from her popped up from Maddy saying hello, that message changed my life, after that she would speak to me everyday about my problems, she made me realise I am so much better than the bullies and I deserve to be here, Maddy saved my life and I couldn't thank her enough for what she done for me taking time to speak to me whenever I needed her" 

The priest takes the front of the church after everyone is done speaking and begins to read a bible verse 

"can I say something please?" a small voice echo's from the back of the church 

I turn around to see small girl, she was only about 10 standing at the back of the church. She had brown hair that was curly and down to her waist and she was wearing a white dress with small white sandals. The priest nodded and she walked down the church standing at the front holding the microphone close to her mouth 

"No one in here knows me but my name is Isabella Parker and I am ten years old. When I was born I had a hole in my heart, I had many operations to try fix it but when I turned eight it had got a lot worse, everyone began to give up hope that I would survive, I had been on the donor register for years for a new heart but I was never a priority because surgery would always fix it even though it was never permanent. New years day 2013 I was rushed into hospital, my heart was giving up on me, I was to ill for another operation to repair the whole and a transplant was my only option but I was told there wasn't much chance they would find a donor.The next two weeks all my family and friends came to visit me, they said it was just to see me but I knew they were saying goodbye, no one would admit to me that I was dying but I knew. 16 days after being rushed into hospital I was given my miracle, a new heart. Your beautiful Maddy's heart. I can't imagine what it must have been like to lose someone  so special to everyone here but I thought it would comfort everyone knowing that although she's gone she lives on in so may people and she saved so many lives both before she died and after"

There was not a dry eye in the whole church as Isabella spoke those beautiful words about her story and how Maddy had saved her. It gave me great comfort knowing how Maddy had helped many people through life and after. 

I was here by Beyonce played through the sound system, the same song that played a year ago today as Maddy was carried from the church in her white coffin and now it plays again to remember her and the amazing things she done. The lyrics related to Maddy so much 'when I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets, leave something to remember, so they won't forget' Maddy left so much for everyone to remember that no one would ever forget her. 

I placed down arrangement of pink and white roses shaped into a heart onto Maddy's grave, it was so well kept, the grass cut regularly and the flowers laid beautifully, there was so many different bouquets, however it didn't look over crowded at all, it was perfect. I sat talking to her for what felt like hours as everyone left, I told her stories of what had happened and secrets, like we would before she was gone. I told her all about Luke, how he was special, how I needed her when he stopped talking to me. 

'it was hard Mads, it still is, I'd be lying if I said I was coping at all. I miss you so much, I need you. I thought I found someone who could help me but he left me and I needed you, I wanted to lay in bed and cry while we ate ice cream together and you made me feel better. I wish I could be like you, you were always the cool sister, I have tried to live up to what you were like but I could never be you, no one could ever replace you" I brushed the tears from my cheeks using the sleeve of my cardigan when a shiver ran up my spine. 

The temperature was dropping rapidly and soon it was a freezing 0'c and I was shivering frantically however I didn't want to leave Maddy, not just yet. I pulled my small wool cardigan tight around me tucking my arms in trying to savour any warmth I had. 

"I need you Maddy, I don't know how much longer I can cope without you" I felt a hand placed down on my shoulder and a sudden rush through my body and I created a illusion in my head that I would turn around and it would be her, she would be there holding me, ready to comfort me. I couldn't bring myself to turn to see who was behind me, there hand gripped squeezing onto the bone and their fingers caressed against my skin sending a shiver down my spine 

"hunny, it's time to go now, it's late and cold" the illusion shattered before me as my mum's soft voice echoed in the empty cemetary.