Stay

chapter 4

After the buffalo incident I converted the guest room into my own office so I can have some privacy to work on my journal and to simply cry myself to sleep.

Here I opened Alex's Facebook account. And scrolled through his posted pictures. But I didn't see the one face I was searching for.

I have never used Facebook other than to post pictures and videos of my kids for my mom and my sister to see what new antics my kids were up to.

Never have it crossed my mind I would be using it to stalk my husband. I wonder if other wives are doing what I'm doing? Am I going crazy? Why would I put myself to more pain?

But like other jilted wives I want to understand what he saw in her. Why he decided to cheat and break his vows of fidelity. Why all of a sudden he can throw away all that he had built.

It has been a week since that day I saw him with her. And ever since then I couldn't sleep and eat well. Questions of who she is were foremost in my mind and what he sees with her.

If not for my children I wouldn't have bothered living my life. But  Nanna was also determined to help me through it all.  She never failed to come by every day to check on me.

And she also encouraged me to ventilate my problems with her. If not for her presence and willingness to listen  I would have succumbed to self-destruction.

Ever since that fateful day he had never touched me. But then he hadn't been for a long time. I just never take notice of it because I'm always tired after the days work of caring for the children.

And who wouldn't be when I'm doing all the work in the house too like cleaning, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, planning the menu, watering my plants and the list could go on and on. I remembered Alex once commented that he can't shake me awake during the night.

Then I realized it was only these past couple of months that he hadn't made the effort. Was it because he was tired or was already having an affair?

Was it I who have driven him to seek comfort from another woman? Was I becoming a bore?

Wiping the tears from my eyes I scrolled through the Facebook of my friends and colleagues while I was a teacher at the same school with my Alex. Hoping to know who the woman was with Alex.

I also checked the school's official web site and looked at their posted pictures of parents and teachers school events.

Scrolling at the latest pictures of the school faculty I finally have the name of the woman Alex was within the buffalo hotel.

There were a couple of pictures posted of them together. The other one appeared to be a stolen shot of them seated together in the faculty lounge. She was seated too close to Alex that she was able to prop her elbow on Alex's shoulder.

The other picture was with Alex holding a cup of coffee and in the act of giving it to her. 
This picture reminded me so much of what I have with Alex that it hurt and more than confirmed what I feared.

I was glad Nanna had taken the boys with her today. I promised not to cry anymore but I have to be a superwoman not to with my discovery. Is Alex invested in her?

After I dried my tears away I sat back down in front of the computer screen I moved the mouse to scroll for her name and to know more about her.  She's newly employed in the school as their new English teacher and her name is Gwyneth Adams. So this would explain how the two of them seemed to know each other so well. Because that was the impression I got when I saw them together. Like they've been a couple for a long time.

Rising I went into the bathroom and throw up and cried once more.

The knowledge that she's not just any random girl he picked up along the way. Or the saleslady that may have flirted with him when he do our groceries had me hurting so much.

This had crushed me farther to the pit of darkness. It had dampened any hope that maybe this whole thing was just a passing fancy and eventually he will choose his family over lust.

I could feel a headache coming but I couldn't stop searching for more answers to my endless questions. When did they start to see each other? How many times have they done it?  Were they always at the buffalo hotel?

The school website stated she started teaching four months ago. So does it mean they've been together for four months now?

Alex had started taking on tutorial classes three months ago by Mr. Adams private tutorial classes. How is she related to him? Was it an excuse to meet her?

Wait she's friends with Beth on Facebook. Beth's celebrated her birthday two months ago. And once again I scrolled through the loads of pictures she had uploaded of her birthday. It showed photos of her guests interacting with one another. There were also pictures of them in the kitchen or in the living room.

I scrolled further and I found Alex in Beth's gazebo seated next to him is the girl. It appeared harmless and if I have stumbled upon these pictures before I wouldn't have put any meaning to it. With an aching heart I scrolled further. I don't know why but I want to see more pictures of him with her.  Am I a glutton for punishment?

I don't know but at this point all I want to see are more and more pictures of them together. So I would know for certain how he really feels about her. Maybe because I still hope that he will come back to me? And so I kept scrolling and scrolling until I stumbled upon another set of uploads. This must be the first set of Beth's uploads.

In the picture Gwyneth was mixing some kind of a drink and handling some to Alex. And another with Beth seated next to Alex while Gwyneth seemed to steal the show by appearing behind their back and squeezing herself between them and putting her arms around each of them. 

There is another post of the same picture but this time with Alex looking behind his shoulder at Gwyneth. In all the Gazebo pictures taken Gwyneth was always seated next to Alex and it also showed pictures of Gwyneth leaning her shoulders next to Alex.

From all the pictures taken it seemed that Alex and Gwyneth have been together for the whole time of Beth's birthday. What could they have talked about for three long hours? 

Alex actually looked happy and carefree in all these pictures.  And he's leaning a little bit towards Gwyneth too. Was this the start of their attraction. Or were they having an affair already?

I heard the kitchen door opened and the voices of my children coming in. I hastily dried my tears.

Nanna came into the office with her baked cookies and strong coffee.  While she had settled the children in the living room to watch TV. 

She looked at the pictures on the screen. And pointed at the girl seated next to Alex. "Is that her? "

"Yes." I choke on my reply.

"When are you going to confront him of his infidelity?" Nanna asked.

"I won't be confronting him anytime Nanna."

"And pray tell why? Are you not hurting enough? Have you looked at yourself? Tell him to stop his affair. Stop this foolishness of his. Stop playing you for a fool. What are you trying to do? What more do you need? You don't any evidence to throw in his face.  You were there for goodness sake! You caught him with her. Isn't that evidence enough?"

"And what will happen after our confrontation, Nanna? Will it change his feelings for her? And what if he will ask me to release him? What will I do then?  Nanna I can't afford a divorce right now.