Look At Me Daddy, I'm Alive

Descend To The Dirt

The blue lights flash across my eyes, dazzling me every few seconds. Police tape and emergency service cars clog the road whilst uniformed humans scamper around in some sort of organised panic. Two firemen run past me, "We're not going to be able to get a crane in there, we'll have to drag it out!"

Thick, black smoke billows from the car park, unfurling itself from the ground floor and rising to the sky, turning the stars to darkness. Crowds of people have come to witness the emerging horror like bemused sheep, a sea of white screens light their faces.

A fat police officer stands in front of me, stern faced with his hands pressed firmly against my chest. "You can't go in, sir! Step back!"

"Please," I say, "I need to know if my daughter is in there! My wife will be here any minute, I need to tell her something."

The officer looks at me with professional pity, "Look, there's nothing I can tell you at the moment. Everybody is doing everything they can, okay? When I find out more I'll let you know."

"Just tell me, did you see a blue Subaru in there?"

"I..." he begins, but before he could finish his sentence the deafening screech of metal to concrete fills our ears. We both turn our attention to a fire engine emerging from the smoke. It drags a steel carcass from fire.

A blue Subaru - retail price approximately thirty one thousand, one hundred and fourty six pounds. The metal is burnt and warped across the car. The bonnet has been crushed back into the front two seats making it look like some sort of macabre clown car.

A pale white arm hangs limp from the driver's window.

I feel the blue lights flash across my eyes.

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It's a closed casket funeral, held at the local church where Hannah was christened. Lou and I are sat in the front pew, the exclusive seats for the bereaved parents. Lou shudders as tears silently roll down her face. She clasps her hands tight, watching the priest with furious intensity. She's removed her wedding ring for the occasion.

The rain pours from the heavens as we gather outside to watch the casket being lowered. Inside it, our daughter... or at least what was our daughter. She's not there anymore; in fact, I think she left a long time ago.

Lou's inner strength only lasts so long and I can hear her start to take loud, heaving breaths. She covers her face with her hands. I put my arm around my wife and try to pull her close but I can feel resistance. When I look down I see two bloodshot eyes staring back at me.

"You can't even cry at your own daughter's funeral," she hisses and unwinds herself from my grasp.

I watch as my daughter descends to the dirt.

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A week later, I return home from work in the rental car.

My boss had tried to insist that I take longer than three days off but I didn't want to stay at home and dwell. Besides, I couldn't lose the sales, it would have meant next month would be financially tight. The funeral was expensive- the burial itself cost five thousand pound. The casket was nine-hundred pounds. Venue hire, two-fifty and food and drink around a hundred. No, this was the right idea. I can't be like Lou, I don't have time to waste sitting at home and running through every possible scenario - this is the one we're stuck with, there's no point begging the universe to change.

It's dark by the time I get home, but I don't see any lights on in the house. Maybe Lou went out to a friend? I walk in, drop the keys on the table, grab a beer and head for bed. No dinner has been left out for me, but I don't feel like eating anyway.