Craving Love

Jellybean

"Annnd, There is your babies heartbeat! Congratulations!"

I look up at the little screen and frown. Is the baby really only that big? how can there be a heartbeat and the baby is only the size of a jellybean?

"Now you'll have to book an appointment to come back in a few weeks to do some blood work and a check up, but you can do that at the front desk. Do you want a print out?"

What am i supposed to do with a baby that small? What am i going to tell my Mom? where am i going to put a baby? How did this all happen? I mean i KNOW how this all happened, but how did THIS all happen? What-

"Are you alright? do you need me to call someone for you?"

I finally pull my eyes away from the tiny screen and look at the doctor and i cant help that my frown deepens. She looked so concerned, i probably didn't give the reaction that most expecting mothers do. But what can i say? i'm eighteen and having a baby! I bet most expecting mothers aren't like me.

"No, im fine. Can i get up now?" I take the paper towel she hands me and start cleaning the jelly off my belly and doing up my pants. While im doing this i hear a printer hum to life and then watch in silence as an even smaller version of the tiny screen gets printed out and a copy of the little jellybean looking baby is handed to me. For a few seconds all i can do is look at it. A baby. With a heartbeat.

"Its fine to be scared you know. Most young and single Moms are. But i just want you to know that there are options. If you think you're not ready, or adoption-"

"Im going to keep the baby." I have to cut her off. I cant let any of the sweet options set into my head.

"O-okay. That's fine. But if that's your final choice then you need to know that it is very important that you take the vitamins we give you and that you must make it to all your appointments, or at least call in and rebook if something comes up. Maybe next time you come, you can bring your Mum or a friend." she bends her head to write something down on a clip board and i cant help but see the shiny wedding ring gleam on her finger.

"I wont be bringing anyone. It'll just be me."

"Alright then. That's all for now. Ill be seeing you in a few weeks then right?" She hands me a card to use at the front desk and we shake hands. I book the appointment for the 20th of the month and leave in a hurry. I don't want to be seen by anyone i know, so i rush to the nearest bus shelter and stand inside waiting to the bus to come. The card is still in my hand, but i don't notice this until im on the bus and looking down at it. I must of never but it in my pocket. On it, it says my name, the date, where i was, the doctors name, what i was there for and how far along i am. Its that part that catches my eye.

Six weeks.

Im only six weeks and already there is a heartbeat.

A part of me wants to drop the card on the floor of the bus and walk away and pretend its not really happening to me. Another part of me knows that that's a stupid idea because, A) someone would find it and they could look me up on Facebook, and that person could be someone i know. And, B) even if i dropped it, walked away and pretend like it wasn't happening, it still would be. It wasn't the card that confirmed it. It was the tiny screen, in the tiny room that showed a tiny jellybean baby inside me with a tiny heart that was already beating with life. Throwing away the card would change none of that.