Forgot

Sunset

And thus the sun set on yet another beautiful day. The thing about sunsets is that they're so absolutely mesmerizing, you wish you could see it everyday. But trust me, I've been seeing the same sunset over and over again that it has just become another 6 o'clock. I learned to take it for granted knowing it's always going to be there. Nothing will change. The next day, I'm still going to see the same sun set in the west. I know it's beautiful and I used to stare at it until my eyes watered but I guess I just forgot how beautiful. 

Our door has that annoying creaking sound every time I open it. I think it has something to do with the screws, I'm not too sure. I'll have to fix that later since Kevin's going to be busy. He's always busy but that's not to taint his reputation, no. Kev's a wonderful boyfriend! He's just so busy with school, has to keep coding and updating his bots since the java thing or whatever updates quite often and he has to fix the commands to fit the new thing...? I don't know. Coding jargon I don't ever hope to understand. Kevin never forgets to hang out with me though. And I know he loves me because--Okay, let me let you in on a cute thing we do. Sometimes, when we're in the same room and we're doing our own thing, one of us says "Psst" and then it's a race on who gets to say "I love you" first. He usually always wins which both makes me frustrated and feel giddy. Frustrated because I'm very competitive and giddy because it makes me feel like he's always ready to say it without any form of hesitation. It's actually really adorable--but you didn't hear that from me. 

"Hey, Kev... Pssst, Kevin!" Oh. That blank look on his face. "I love you...?" And there goes the realization on his face, and with a sheepish smile he replied, "Oh! Yeah, I love you too." I gave him an amused look as he went back to coding. Yeesh. How long has he been coding now? 5 hours? 6? I guess he got too wrapped up in the Javascript that he just forgot.

It's been a month of this actually but tests are coming up and the bots keep breaking down so I don't really hold anything against him. He's brought me so much peace that I can't--for the life of me--blame him for anything, really. He's got a life and so do I--plus work. It's not like he's making me sad or anything. I just miss him sometimes though he's right here. You know that feeling where someone just seems so far away even though you can literally lift your hand up and touch their shoulder? I feel like that sometimes. But only sometimes. I'm not too worried. I mean, it's Kev. He asked me out. I didn't even plan on being with him or even flirting with him like all my other ex boyfriends. He pursued me.

Time is such a funny thing though. You could know someone for a month and feel like you know them forever while sometimes, being with someone for an hour feels like eternity and you just want it to end. Let's see. Seconds turn to minutes. Minutes turn to hours. Hours turn to days, days to weeks, weeks to months.

A month...? 2 months? I'm not sure. It felt like longer. 

Time is so slow when we're not together. It feels like forever and a 10 minute chat with him feels like... nothing. But sometimes, it also feel like it's much too long. It's like the awkwardness makes it drag on far longer than it should've. I don't get it. I want to talk to him. I do. I love him to the moon and back. But why are conversations sometimes so suffocating? We used to speak for hours about literally anything and now I don't even know what to say after a 2 sentence exchange. It's like.. I forgot how to hold a conversation with the man I love.

3 months. Yeah, I'm sure it's 3 months this time. He said he wanted to talk to me. I wonder what about? 

"I'm going for a walk first though, to clear my head."

"Oh.. Sure, Kev. Take your time."

"Thanks, Elle. Give me... half an hour?"

10 minutes.

20 minutes.

30 minutes. It's been half an hour and the words in the book I'm reading start to blur together. It's 9 pm... Where is he?

45 minutes. The door creaks open--I never did fix those screws, did I?--and I hear his footsteps down the hallway. My eyes keep blankly scrolling through the book I'm reading. I haven't turned the page in the past hour, I think. I have to re-read that part again later, I didn't understand a thing. "Elle?" The moment I heard his voice, I jumped and placed my book down. "Kev, in here!"

I didn't realize how awkward it was to sit across from each other. I'm trying to catch his eye while he's trying to look at anything else but me. I wonder what's up..

"I don't know where to start. Can I be honest with you?"

That was the longest--what felt like--hour of my life. I know for a fact that I'm a self centered son of a bitch. I love hearing people talk about me and what they've observed about me. It means they're paying enough attention to me to form some type of conclusion. But this one... This one was more painful than fulfilling even though he hasn't said anything but good things.

"Don't get me wrong! You're still beautiful. No, gorgeous even. And you know me... I don't lie to save someone's feelings. Not even yours. God knows how many times I've made you upset because of how frank I am. I still love the feeling of your hair going between my fingers, your warmth as I hug you at night, the way you smile. I still think you're absolutely stunning. And, my God, your laugh. But I just..." His eyebrows furrowed and he seemed to struggle speaking. I sat.. waiting, like I've been doing for the past hour. "I just don't love you anymore and I have no idea why."

Pfft, ouch! That stung... probably less than it should've. Huh. But my eyes still watered and there was a dull throb in my chest. My hands were clammy and cold but after just a few breaths, the flush on my cheeks slowly subsided. The way he looked at me--Oh, he expected me to cry. To be perfectly honest, I expected me to cry. I wonder why I didn't..

"Loving you.. I guess, I forgot how."

Damn. Now, that hurt. But as I stared at him with my mouth slightly agape, I found myself leaning forward and placing on last soft kiss on his lips. I realized why it hurts now. Good byes always hurt. When you live with the man you love for 4 years, plan a future, only to realize that your future doesn't necessarily involve each other.. It's going to seriously hurt.

"We planned trips and where to build a house."

"I know."

"And a future, heck even children."

"I know, Elle. I know and I'm so sorry. I hate myself for hurting you like this..."

...

"Don't be... We had a goal together and now you've made new ones because you forgot." I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair like I usually do. Dropping my hand to rest on his and giving a reassuring squeeze. The sadness and regret in his eyes must've reflected mine.

"And honestly? So did I."

[A.N.: There are a few parallels from this story to my life so don't be too harsh on me when you give criticism! I actually had a lot of fun--and tears--writing this. This is a real life... foreshadowing for me and I didn't want this story to disappear like all my other ones so I'm going to publish it no matter how small.

I hope all of you guys have wonderful lives and have great days!]

~La Ellexide~