heal me, my angel...

under water

He listened how the water was pouring down on him. It was almost like the water wanted to drown him. And to be honest he wouldn't mind it that much. He had always hated the sound of running water hitting on the surface of water at the bottom so rougly, so hard. The sound of it used to drive him crazy. But now...now he didn't hate it at all. He didn't like it too. He just...didn't care.

He felt it on his skin while the water in the bathtub was growing more and more. He knew he had to turn off the water when it finally touched his shoulders but he didn't want it. He wanted the water to pass his shoulders, his neck and then maybe hie face too. He didn't wanted to take a bath or just sit in the bathtub. He didn't want to be in the water. He wanted to be under the water. He wanted it to swallow him whole. He wanted to get eaten by the water and never come back to the surface. But his hand moved without his order and turned off the water.

Now it was quiet. So quiet....so quiet that he could feel his own heartbeat and damn it was rough. Being in complete silence. Being left alone with all of his thoughts...

He kept looking at the wall in front of him. He didn't move at all. The water was calm like a cat in his mother's arms. But the person in it wasn't.

Then he slided on the bathtub a bit, making the water pass his shoulders till it hit his neck and stayed in that position for a while.

His legs were hurting. That god damn bathtub was too small for him even though he wasn't even a tall person. He thought about buying a new bathtub but then thought "fuck it. Who knows when i'll use it again." And he was right. He wasn't fond of taking baths. He prefered taking quick showers so the time he was left alone with his thoughts in the water was less.

He slided a bit more till the water passed his neck and a bit of his chin, hitting the under of his bottom lip.

It wasn't like he hated water. No. He LOVED water. And that was the problem. Water was making him feel calm. It was making him feel in peace. Like he could just close his eyes and undo everything he ever did. Like he cold take back all of his mistakes. But of course he couldn't. And it was fucked up. It was fucking him up.

He could handle dealing with his thoughts in his room, in his bed while looking at his wall soullessly but he couldn't do the same when he was in water, all alone with his thoughts. Cause water was making him believe be could do better than what he was doing but it was wrong. Being in comfort, in peace wasn't what he wanted.

He knew exactly what he wanted.

He slided more and lied down. In this positon his legs were outside the bathtub but he didn't give two fucks about it.

Now the hot water was covering all around his face even the corners of his eyes. With just one simple move his whole face was gonna be under water.

He looked at the ceiling and thought. What he thought ? Nothing. Nothing at all. That was his problem. That was what driving him crazy. He was looking at walls for hours, spacing out in classroom, forgetting eating meals but he was actually thinking nothing. And also feeling nothing.

It was weird. Oh yeah it was weird as fuck. He wasn't feeling anything at all. Pleasure, pain, anger, happiness, sadness...nothing. it was like someone took all of his emotions out of him. Nothing in life was giving him any joy. Even that one special brand of chocolate he would die for a few years ago was now just a normal thing in his eyes.

Of course he was doing daily things he always do. He was going to school, meeting with his friends, having sunday breakfasts with his family and even smiling and laughing sometimes. But he didn't feel like he was laughing. He was feeling the laughter for a second but then it was gone. When he eat something he could feel how delicious it was but then the taste went away.

He just...he didn't know what the fuck was happening to him. He didn't wanna be like that. He didn't wanna seem like he was ignoring his friends' messages. He didn't wanna be the one who was just looking at the teacup in front of him when he meet with his friends.

But he was just like that. And it was fucking him up so bad.

Then he did it. He pushed himself under water. He felt how it touched and swallowed his face. His nose, his lips, his eyes. He never felt that good for god knows so long. Maybe if he won't get out of the water it would be better. He was just gonna stay under it and wait till he felt a burning feeling in his lungs and till he chokes for air. But he wasn't gonna get out. He was just gonna wait till all the air in his lungs left his body and till his body became numb. Then he will open his eyes and see that light people was always talking about. The light you see when you're dying.

He knew he was probably gonna go to hell after all the shits he had done but he prayed to at least go to a less burning place of hell then the deepest part of it.

Right when the last air bubble left his nose he heard a knocking on the door. He heard someone forcing the door to open even from under water.

But no he wasn't gonna open the door. Not when he is that close.

But then he heard it. The voice he loved so much. The voice that brings him to life whenever he hears it.

"You locked the door ??? Open it."

the voice waited for the answer for a few seconds.

"Mark ? Mark are you okay ? Mark ?! Mark open the door! MARK!"

Oh just how much he loved donghyuck'a heavenly voice. He could swear this voice was an angel's voice. So sweet, so soft even when he was yelling.

He heard donghyuck was yelling more for him to open the door but he didn't even get his face out of the water. He just smiled and went deeper in it. Donghyuck's voice was sure a great lullaby to send him to sweet death.

Before losing his consciousness the last thing he heard was someone breaking open the door and screaming his name. Of course he recognized the voice. An angel's voice...

"Angel" he said with a smile,feeling the water fills his mouth and then fell. Not like fell asleep but he just...fell...