The Intruder

Lightning flashed as I turned the wheel and hit the button clipped to my rear view mirror to open the garage door. It slid up slowly, I could fall asleep at any given moment but I'm just so hungry. I slide into my usual parking spot and stumble out of my car. Closing the door as quietly as I can so I don't wake my wife. While making my way to the hallway that leads into my house I hit the lights and garage door switch. The door closes as I walk back into my house; what was the point in closing my car door quietly when that thing could wake the neighborhood? I opened the door and tiptoed in making sure to close it so that no noise was made. I've become a master at coming back into the house after work. The stairs up to my bedroom are right next to the kitchen and I stop there. Staring up the stairs and occasionally flipping back and forth between the fridge and stairs. I'm hungry, might as well eat. I crack open the fridge and peer inside. Nothing really of interest in there. The only thing that catches my eye is the little plastic bag containing burgers. I snatch it and open it up. I open up the cabinet and get some buns and throw the burger in the microwave with some cheese on it. I didn't really feel like doing anything elaborate, preparing a nice burger at this hour seemed ridiculous. I just had a plain cheeseburger, nothing special about it. I removed my cheese splattered patties from the microwave and delicately place them onto the bottom buns before smashing the top bun on.

I walked into the living room and plopped down in my chair, burgers in my lap. What I really needed to go with these burgers was an ice cold drink. I flipped on the TV and put the burgers on the table next to my chair. I swung the fridge door open and poked my head in. The phone erupted into it's beeps and I jumped causing me to bump my head on the top of the fridge. I rubbed the back of my head and picked up the phone in a flurry of anger and looked at the caller ID. It was Dale, why the hell was he still up? I pressed answer.

"Hello?" My voice was gruff and firm.

"Hey Jim, did you see the news today?" He asked as if I had any time for myself.

"No, Dale, I did not see the news today." I stated through clear irritation.

"Oh." He said as if he were disappointed in me.

"Is there something you want me to know about?" I questioned.

"Uh yeah, some guy broke out of the prison today. He was put in there for breaking and entering and attempted murder."

"Good for him, why do I need to know that?" I snapped.

"Our neighborhood is one of the most likely places he would reach by tonight."

"I'll keep an eye out Officer Dale," I said sarcastically, "Bye now."

"Wait Jim!" He protested but I already had hung up.

I opened the fridge again and began looking for something to drink again. The phone started ringing again and I looked at the caller ID. It was Dale again, my lord this guy doesn't know when to stop. I answered.

"What Dale?" I half whispered, half shouted into the phone. 

"I thought I saw someone by your garage window a couple minutes ago."

"Is that why you called?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Yes." Dale's voice was shaking.

"Why didn't you tell me that first?" 

"Just keep yourself safe tonight, man." He said that and hung up.

Only one thought crossed my mind in that moment. If someone is breaking in here they better kill me before they make me stay up another minute more than I have to. I glared at the door leading to the garage. There better be some intruder in there or I'll have to have a talk with Dale about calling this late again. I opened the door and slid through, leaving it open behind me. I tiptoed back down the hallway towards my car when I saw it. My window had been smashed in and rain was pouring in from the outside. Ah, fuck that dude. I turned around and jogged back out of the hallway and turned to go up the stairs. I jumped up the stairs, skipping every two steps and broke through my bedroom door. I ran over to the opposite side of the room and came to my wife's side. I shook her awake and started talking fast. 

"Honey you need to get over to Dale's right now."

"What?" She grumbled.

"You need to get over to Dale's right fucking now, someone broke in I think." 

"What?" She was still failing to grasp what I said

"Someone. Broke. The. Fuck. In. Get. To. Dale's. Right. Now." I explained it slowly.

"Oh my god!" 

Lightning flashed and I used that as the signal to get her moving. I yanked her out of bed and pushed her across the room. I was rough but I had to get her safe. We hopped down the stairs as quick as we could. As we came to the bottom a red glove reached out and clotheslined me. I was swept off my feet and hit my head on the corner of a step. Everything became blurry. I heard my wife shrieking and I struggled to get up. I couldn't get off my hands and knees, falling on the floor at each attempt. I felt a boot press on my back and I was pinned to the floor. The boot lifted off and landed in front of my face. The silhouette of the person walking towards my wife as she continued to scream my name. Lightning flashed and I caught a glimpse at our intruder. Red gloves, striped shirt, matching striped pants, red hair, and a black hat and eye mask. He brandished a knife in one hand and reached out for my wife with the other. He gripped her by the neck and shoved the knife into her stomach. I let out a cry and tried to get back up. He pulled the knife out and thrusted it back in. In and out, in and out. He did this several times before letting her drop to the floor. 

"Why?" I cried.

"You have something I want." The New York accent rang out.

"Who-Who are you?" I questioned.

"Don't ya know?" His voice slightly high pitched.

"Who?" I shouted at him.

"I'm the Hamburglar!" He shouted back and started cackling.

He walked forward and passed me. Opening the the fridge, he snatched out the rest of the leftover burger patties. Then walked back to me. Lying on my stomach I could feel him straddle my back and he held the knife against my neck. He then whispered in my ear, 

"If you come looking for me, I'll kill you in the same way I killed your wife. Slowly, with the most pain possible."

With that he pulled the knife away from my neck and pound the back of my head with the handle until I was out cold. When I woke up I was still dazed. Hell I wasn't sure if what happened the night before was a nightmare. But when I saw her lying there I knew too well that it was real. It was my personal hell. The Hamburglar came to me in my dreams, the haunting image of him stabbing my wife. The image of him stealing my burgers. He murdered her for some burgers. Fucking burgers. The thoughts played in my head on repeat. Why would someone kill just to steal some left over burgers? I guess I'll never know, but I know one thing for sure. Throw away your leftovers burgers.