loosing everything. Janoskians.

him.

19.01.14 

I isolated myself from the rest of the world for three days, I had no contact with anyone except my mum who made every attempt she could to try get me to get out of bed, I just couldn't bring myself to face everyone again, it felt like it would be back to how it was when we first lost her, people staring, talking about me and right now I couldn't face it again. I wanted to be strong but I just couldn't when I felt like I had no one to support me. 

20.01.14

Another day passed before I even dared pick up my phone to see what damage I had done in these four days, messages filled my phone screen but one stood out more than the others, sent four days ago

Luke Brooks: I am sorry I haven't been there for you today, I promised you forever and didn't keep that promise. Be the strong girl that I know you are and get through today with a brave face.

A tear raced down my cheek as I read the message from Luke, it brought back so many memories from before, a part of me was desperate to message him back, I just wanted to talk to him, in my heart I knew he was the only one who could make this better, but he had moved on with his life now and I had to accept that despite it breaking my heart.

I went onto Luke's twitter although I knew I shouldn't, I didn't want to see pictures of him and his beautiful girlfriend,  but I wanted to see him. 

@luke_brooks: Today marks the one year anniversary of the day a beautiful girl was taken from this world too early. Please everyone spare a thought today for Maddy and also her sister Emily who is one of the strongest and bravest girls that I know. If you're reading this Emily I am sorry I let you down when you needed me most but I promise I will make it up to you no matter how long it takes. I hope you're ready. 4 days ago. 

I gripped my chest, holding tightly as my heart beat so fast, I felt myself start to cry again however my face was dry like I had run out of tears. I had cried too much in these four days and now I was empty. I'd isolated myself for four days and had missed all of this. 

 I didn't know if I could open myself up to him again, I gave him my everything and he dropped me like I was nothing. I had felt used and unwanted and I was unsure if I could set myself up for that kinda pain again. 

There were no recent pictures of him and his girlfriend, the last one was from three weeks ago but they looked so happy I doubted that they could have broken up since then. However his tweets had been very simple recently, things like 'on tour' or 'with the boys' nothing that let anyone into what he was really feeling and he was normally quite a open person. At least with me he was. 

My mind raced, I was coming up with every possible scenario as to what could have possibly happened recently and what made him write to me again after all this time. The one person I needed to speak to now, the person I know would have the best advice, Maddy. 

I quickly pulled on some clothes and headed down to the cemetery, it was only a short walk and I was relieved to get out the house. I sat down in my usual spot at the end of where she lay so I was staring directly at her head stone where a engraved picture of her featured at the top. For once I was speechless, I didn't know what to tell her anymore, the only thought running through my mind was what Luke had said, well tweeted. The words I hope you're ready ran circles through my mind. I was intrigued as to what he really meant. 

I led down beside her absorbing the sun light. It was unusual for the sun to be shining like this in England so me and Maddy use to take every opportunity to top up our tan when it did on the rare occasions and today would be no different.

A hour past and I was yet to say a single word, instead I lay in complete silence beside her just watching the clouds pass over us. I decided it was time to leave, I wasn't ready to go home but I couldn't stay here any longer with nothing to say. I headed down into town, it was a small local village however this didn't fulfill my erge to get out so I headed to the train station and got onto the first waiting train. 40 minutes passed and my journey was soon coming to a end as we approached the final station covent gardens, London.

This was a new adventure for me, something I hadn't down before especially not on my own. The station was so busy,  nothing like the one where I live, there was several different platforms with hundreds maybe thousands of people passing me in every direction, barging and hurrying around. It was so different from my little village.

I walked through the streets of London jumping on the tubes and travelling around different parts of London admiring the city sights; big Ben,the London eye, the aquarium and so much more. The final point of my travels was Hyde Park, from what I've heard, it it just a large open area in the middle of London. I got off at the station Hyde Park Corner and followed the crowd of people to the exit. As I reached the top a loud roar of screams echoed through every corner of the station. 

I followed the tunnel to the end and soon I was stood on the corner of what I guessed to be Hyde Park where thousands of girls stood screaming obviously waiting for someone. I walked down the path past all the crowds further into the park away from all the people. I soon was at the other end of the park beside some big gates. I sat down on the cold grass running my hands through the daisies, picking them and making a chain as I watched the clouds pass over my head. Soon my silence was interrupted by the deafening sound of a police cars sirens pulling up beside me followed by two black range rovers with blacked out windows. ThePolice were the first out the cars and walked to the side of the range rovers were I could hear parts of their conversation "if it gets too out of hand we will have to stop it, we're doing this for you boys safety" 

The talk continued for about 5 minutes after that as the officers explained the risks of the situation and what things would mean they had to shut it down so I continued with my daisy chain looking up regularly intrigued as to who was hiding behind this van. Another 5 minutes passed before the officers walked out from behind the car followed by three large men dressed in black suits then my eyes darted straight towards someone as I lost my breath and it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. My eyes couldn't leave him, he was tanned, dark hair with a quiff with a strip of green through the front and a sleeve of tattoo's on one arm. It was Luke. 

He gazed over to me then quickly looked away before his eyes darted back to me so we were staring directly at each other. A smile grew across his cheeks as he mouthed 'Emily' to me and I nodded back to him as I bit the corner of my lip trying to control my overwhelming need to smile and run to him

"Emily!" he said loudly before breaking away from the group and rushing over to me, I quickly stood up just as he reached me, wrapping his arms tightly around me, lifting me as he span me round in a circle 'I have missed you so much' he says lowering me to my feet and staring directly into my eyes 'I can't believe its you' he says hugging me tightly again 

"Luke, we need to go" one of the officers from behind shouts but he ignores them 

"Luke, you need to go" I whisper and he shakes his head 

"No, I need to stay here with you" he says sternly "I'm staying here" he shouts to the people behind him 

"No Luke, you're coming! what will the fans think if you don't come?" the officer replies 

"You have to go Luke" I softly kiss his cheek then step away from him so his grip on me releases 

"Come see me later, please? here take this" he says handing me a card "room 57, please come later, I need to see you"