life can be confusing sometimes.
okay, a lot of the time.
especially when you're someone like me, who can't escape the confusing and uncomfortable parts, because you're stuck in them.
there isn't really anything about me that is intriguing. im just average looking. maybe a bit below average. if you looked at me, at first glance you would say, "there's just a young, dark haired boy. he looks tired." and well, you'd be right about the second part. but you're wrong about the first part. i am not a boy. i may look like one, but i am not a boy. im an alien. a freak. and you can't tell me otherwise because you are not me. so you do not know how i feel. i feel like a freak, like an alien, so therefore i am. everyone thinks so anyway, so why fight it?
my name is jupiter. yeah. you heard me right. my siblings names are venus and mars. personally, i feel bad for mars. i mean, thats not really a name, is it? less of a name than jupiter or venus at least.
im the oldest, venus is second, then mars. let me just tell all you middle kids and youngest kids, you will never understand how hard it is the be the oldest.
ever.
you've got all these responsibilities, your parents expect you to do all the work for all of your siblings, like they're helpless or something. maybe some siblings are in some families, but in mine, both my siblings are just fine.
and when they're not fine, you've got to be there to hold them and tell them its gonna be alright.
but if you're the oldest, who holds you and tells you its gonna be alright?
no one.
im a freshman in high school. so that means people are allowed to hate you without reason. which they do. gladly. jupiter is a pretty girly name, let alone a weird one. i guess no one gets to choose their name, though. if we did, i would make my name something cool, like blake or xander. but, beggars can't be choosers. i just want to fit in with nick and his friends, if im being honest. but i can't fit in with a name and body and face like mine. i look and sound and think differently from my peers. there's not one person i've met like me. and that doesn't make me "unique" or "special in my own way". it just makes me weird.
the fact that i have to go to therapy twice a week makes me weird, too. nobody else has to, so why do i have to? most of the time i'm there, i just zone out, and mom does most of the talking. sometimes i don't mean to zone out, and sometimes my brain just goes all fuzzy and i have this ringing in my ears. except it doesn't go away for a long while. sometimes i do wonder what's wrong with me, but i mostly leave that to the kids at school. its kind of obvious im not normal, if i haven't mentioned that already. i don't get it sometimes. it's not fair. i didn't ask to be like this. i didn't do anything to deserve being like this. i don't want my intrusive thoughts to control me. i want to be my own person. but i guess my brain has other plans. plans of its own.
it's hard having a mental illness, because you're fighting against your own brain. and a lot of the time, your brain wins. i hope you'll be able to deal with all my problems throughout our journey together. i know that a lot of people can't. i know that it's hard to even be around someone like me. let alone be like me. but i don't know anyone who is like me.
do you know how it feels to be alone? not the kind of alone when you have the whole house to yourself, when mom and your siblings are at the store, or when you stay home sick from school. the kind of alone that you know that you're not okay and you need help, but nobody seems to understand how or why. and neither do you. its scary. your mind jumps to conclusions and you do stupid shit. then you regret it. then your brains jumps to conclusions again and you do more stupid shit. it's a vicious cycle. one that scares your family and those who "care" about you. i put care in quotes because they really don't care. you know what they care about? their job. i don't blame them. most people would be the same. but me, if i was in that position, i would actually try to care about the kids im trying to help. maybe then people can actually get better. because i don't know about you, but 8 years of therapy hasn't done a whole lot for me.
don't say im "not trying hard enough"
don't say to "just give it a little bit longer"
don't say that i need to "work harder"
don't tell me i need to "snap out of it"
because, believe me, i've tried.
